AIBU I’m thinking that this reason enough to LTB?

[Carravaggio]

DH is grieving the loss of a parent. I have posted about this before. He is sad, angry and depressed. However he is taking it out on me. With lockdown he’s home all day - where I would have only had a few hours of dealing with his moods previously when he was working.

I am struggling. He can be so loving then switch without warning to being so horrible to me.

Yesterday I asked him what he would like for dinner, then if he needed help ordering some materials online. One of these questions tipped him over the edge without me realising. When I walked out of the room he threw something at the door I walked out of.

I am furious. Our children were in the room when he did this. I had no idea he was angry at me until I heard the bang! What kind of crazy person has he become?

It has been months of walking on eggshells and letting it go when he’s nice again. The Moods Of being nice or nasty can last up to a week. I’m exhausted.

I’d like to fix it as I do love him and our family. But another part of me feels that I’m not willing to be so anxious about his feelings ALL the time.

Would a separation even work? If I’m not there to be the verbal punching bag will he deal with his grief in the right way?

I can’t ask him to move out as we have a sick child that needs 24 hour care. I’ve cancelled all carers and nursing during the crisis. I am also completely financially dependent on the cranky bollox.

I wouldn’t let me daughter be treated this way. And I don’t want her seeing it happening to her mother.

I don't have any advice but I didn't want to read and run xx

Does he have somewhere else to stay?

You and the kids stay where you are, he needs to leave ASAP

are both kids his?

You can apply for benefits so your not financially reliant on him, also just because your financially reliant on someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them when they are violent in front of your kids.

Go to nurses and carers and ask for them back or make do yourself until then.

Kick him out

Thank you.

He could go to his mothers house and yes both kids are his.

Benefits wouldn’t cover the mortgage. DS is very sick, I need to stay in this area for the services etc. Thankfully the house and everything is in my name.

I feel like he’s crossed a line this time.

Has anyone successfully separated but lived in the same house?

It has been months of walking on eggshells and letting it go when he’s nice again.

So it is has been several months since he was bereaved and he is still behaving like a total arsehole? I can understand that when someone has just lost someone they are close to that you might feel the need to cut them some slack when it comes to emotions and moods - but this shouldn't run to abusive behaviour. For him still to be acting like this several months on is unacceptable.

Go to the CMS website and figure out what his financial obligation would be. Also if your child has additional needs you could be entitled to additional funding (no experience myself but have friends who have claimed).

Yes, this is reason enough to LTB. Its a form of emotional abuse. Throwing things at you could escalate to physical abuse, and in front of the kids.

Could he get grief counselling over the phone? Would he agree to it.

Ltb
My DP recently list his mother (6 weeks ago) he was a bit withdrawn but would never treat me in the way you are describing.
This has crossed the line into abusive behaviour.

OP, I'm so sorry. As if things aren't difficult enough right now.

You ask if anyone has successfully lived together after separating - would this help the problem? You may not be together emotionally anymore but you'd still be together physically - he could still talk to you exactly how he does now?

@SleepingIsOverrated I’m wondering if I take myself out of the relationship will he be so quick to turn on me? He thinks I’m always going to be there as his wife. I’m not if he’s abusive.

@LouiseTrees I’ll suggest it to him. He’s considered counselling before lock down. He needs anger management too. It’s not normal to flip so quickly.

He is sucking the happiness out of my life.

if you tell him you’ve had enough and you want a divorce and he needs to leave, would that give him a kick up the bum to get help? You can’t carry on like this. It’s not acceptable behaviour from him. You’ve got enough on your plate. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with a sick child. Have you worked out what benefits you’re entitled to? Because of corona mortgage companies are giving mortgage payment holidays. You could consider this?

When you have spoken to him about his behaviour how does he respond?

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, it is inexcusable, but have you spoken to him about this?

This is very textbook abusive behaviour.
Call women's aid

I lost my dad two weeks ago. I can’t imagine any point in the future where I would want or need to take that out on anyone never mind behaving like that to my husband. No idea for your current situation but definitely make plans for getting rid when lockdown is over. Being snappy and angry at the loss is understandable, taking it out on you is not

Explaining to my husband very seriously that I would leave him the next week due to his behaviour was a massive wake up call. He knew I was serious.

I think he (and maybe you?) are blaming the relatives death, it's sad and hard BUT it's no excuse for that behaviour.

You're in such a difficult position with a child that's not well, I'm not sure how you move forward under lockdown when you need his help.

I hear what you're saying about if you make it clear you're no longer his "wife". I really hope that works.

Post lockdown when you can get your carers back, then he needs to move out!

Why has the bereavement affected him so badly? What's the backstory?

He's being an arse

He needs to leave for everyone’s sake. That behaviour, grieving or not, is unacceptable.

Research what you’re entitled to, what he’d be paying in CMS and make sure that you are claiming everything you should be. Entitledto.com is helpful and CMS have a calculator that in my experience is pretty much bang on accurate (as long as he’s not self employed as that can complicate things).

So he's grieving and it's the middle of a pandemic, I can see why that would turn some people sour in the head, and you want to leave because he threw something at a door in anger after you had left and the children saw it? It doesn't sound that crazy but I guess it depends what kind of a life you've had, I've had my nose broken by my abusive ex partner, held down and punched so hard I was left with bruises so in my mind seeing my partner angry in this stressful time wouldn't phase me, it would start a lot of arguments don't get me wrong, I would give as good as I got right now but I don't have children so I don't understand that part of this issue, maybe it does make it a cardinal sin and you should leave him for it.

I've had days where I've been angry and snapping at everything recently, my partner spoke to me about how much it was upsetting him and I'm trying to work on it and be less reactive, you're under a lot of stress right now too so I'm not shocked that you're both running on high emotions, no one but him gets to decide when he's finished grieving though, it took me about a year to get over my nan (basically raised me) dying, have you seen him greive before?

I spoke to him about it, not very calmly at first unfortunately. But then I did explain that if he hates me and living here so much that he can leave. I cannot spend another 40 years living in misery. We need a break to see if we even want to be together but I won’t take any more outbursts.

He’s still here and hopefully processing what I’ve said.

I am not afraid of him. But his moods dictate our whole day and make me anxious.

@NekoShiro I’m not sure why him throwing something was such a trigger. I grew up in a peaceful home and want that for my children. DH grew up in an abusive home so maybe it’s something that I’m hyper sensitive about. His siblings all talk about how it ruined their childhood and they hated their father.
I want my children to be happy

I hope your talk (no matter how heated, stuff happens) gets through to him and you can work together and come out of the other side of this stronger, this is a high stress time and people arnt thinking clearly, so he should be able to pull himself back or atleast verbalise to you when he's getting overwhelmed or upset so the both of you can talk him down, could you try finding a counsellor, relationship or grief maybe, who would do phone session or over video call?

How are you, OP?

Has anyone successfully separated but lived in the same house

My ex refused to move out and we were under the same roof for 5 years.

It was, without doubt, the worst 5 years of my life. If I'd had any way of finding somewhere I could take my dogs, I would have moved out, even though the house was solely in my name.