WWYD - reluctant DS on holiday

[JeanBodel]

Let's start with the premise that one day we will all be able to go on holiday again.

My husband sees a holiday as a chance to live the student lifestyle of his dreams: up drinking all night, get up around noon, never leave the house. Whereas I would like to get out and actually see some stuff. Skipping over the entirely justified criticism of my life choices to date, the question is: what do I do about DS? Because he is like his father in this respect - he wants to play computer games all day and never leave the house. (May be relevant: DS has Asperger's).

Do I go on holiday with DD only, have a great time with her, and leave husband and son to fester by themselves, or do I force DS to come with me and make him get out of bed and into the fresh air? If he was 16 I'd be all for leaving him, but at 13 I feel I should be making more of an effort.

Husband is obviously a lost cause and ideally I will leave him behind either way.

WWYD?

Can you afford to do a fairly relaxed holiday somewhere with both children where you can mix trips out with chilling and then maybe do a weekend city break or something similar with DD so you can see all the sights?

Thanks ChazP - I suppose it's all about how far we travel. I don't want to travel up to Scotland, to take a not-random example, then spend a week sitting in the cottage. We don't go abroad. What would be the point?!

I’d go and allow DH and DS to go their own thing, while you and DD go out.

My youngest tells me his favourite vacation was a short mountain retreat we took. It’s not really far, and was just a mini break. He went white water rafting, mountain climbing, and rode ATVs with his father and siblings. I’m not an action/adventure type.

Perhaps your son would enjoy something physical?

We quite often used to holiday separately when younger albeit my mum and I would go somewhere warm and sunny and my dad and brother would go skiing, for example. It worked well but we did also have a family holiday in the summer too. In your situation, I'd just go with DD and leave the males to fester but I really like holidays.

Does DS enjoy the days out once he gets into them? A lot of DC are like this - my DSis was practically surgically attached to her laptop at that age, and would complain if she had to come off of it, but she did enjoy getting out and doing things once the day was underway. I was similar myself too, and yet it's the holidays, family days out etc that I look back on with fond memories. Though the PP's idea of a "mixed" holiday - days out mixed with chilled days and downtime - sounds like a good one.
Obviously if DS hates every minute of being out then that's a different matter, and a separate holiday might be better.

Have you had separate holidays before - would DS feel resentful or rejected if he was left home? (And can you leave DH at home and go with just the two DC?)

I'd ask DS if he wants to come outlining that you will be doing activities every day and leave the choice to him if you are leaving your DH at home.

I'd pick my destination carefully making sure there are lots of age appropriate activities. Probably more city based at your children's ages.

Oh god , I’d be so upset if dh was like that about holidays .
I think I’d just take dd if 13 year old was really adamant he didn’t want to come , what’s the point in making all of you miserable.

Make DS go. My DS was the same, never keen to go in the first place, often had to be forced reluctantly do go on outings, but almost always ended up enjoying, at least enough to come back home talking about it with excitement.

I think he would have really missed out of what has become great memories if we discussed them and he wasn't part of it. DS now says that he is glad I forced him to go.

I’d definitely ask Ds what he wanted to do, then it’s his choice. Just being left behind could be very hurtful even if that’s what he would have chosen anyway!

Thanks all, lots for me to think about. I do think DS enjoys himself once he's out and about - it's just the monumental effort of getting him up and dressed which I find draining. But you're right, it would be worth it to create lovely memories.

Hire a villa? DS can bring his own stuff from home, your DH can chill, you can go site seeing?

I have a 15 year old with ASD that would never leave the house ever again given half a chance. He likes lockdown!

I'm lucky though because Dh likes holidays and exploring new places so I only have one reluctant person to deal with.

At the moment Ds always manages to come with us. At times it's difficult because he is also highly anxious but I hope he does benefit from our travels. We are just mindful of his anxiety and sensory needs and that he always needs downtime if things have been busy. He has told me that he will never travel again once he is an adult.

If Dh really doesn't want to go I would just take the kids.

Go on holiday do stuff with your daughter and let them crack on although your husband sounds a pain i n the arse you have a family and he is being lazy and selfish family holidays are supposed to be give andtake.

Does your DH drink on his own all night? I am completely perplexed. Going away with mates and having a wild night makes sense but on your family holiday on scotland in a cottage on your own? I can't get my head around it, sorry if I have misunderstood.