"your dad might die, but he might not" how to tell this to young kids?

[PirateSwash]

My friend has 3 young kids between the ages of 3 and 8. She is separated from their dad. He's had 2 strokes and wouldn't stop fitting after the 2nd so has been put in a coma. He has covid-19 and is on a ventilator. She'd been told to expect the worst, even before he had c19. She asked hospital staff what to say to the kids and they referred her to The Stroke Assoc site, which doesn't help. How can she prepare the kids for the likelihood that he'll die, but there's an outside chance that he'll live? All they know at the mo is that he's had a fall and banged his head......

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there isn't meant to be a vote on this, i clicked the wrong button

It's a completely different disease, but the ideas behind the advice on how to talk to children about a parent with cancer, is a good-enough starting point

be.macmillan.org.uk/Downloads/CancerInformation/ChildrenAndYoungPeople/MAC5766TalkingtochildrenE2.pdf

My only experience of this is to be honest as soon as possible. But my experience is very limited.

This charity is very good and may have some advice for your friend. www.winstonswish.org/

for you both.

I think they need to know more than 'he fell and banged his head' because that would be very scary for a child if they made a link between falling over and dying.
I think they need to know that he is very sick and that most of the time doctors and medicine can make you better again but there are just a few things that we don't yet have the right medicine for.

I would second asking Macmillan. I contacted them to understand the progression of a terminal illness in a relative and they were really helpful, they offer a wide range of support for the whole family.
The other thing I have heard of is making memory boxes with small items, photos etc. which help with the grieving process.

thanks all. I'm on to the winston's wish stuff. It's the uncertainty in the interim that we need support with and this is not the first time that i've found it hard to get the right resources in a time like this. I'll have a look at the cancer stuff.

We were in this position. DH was ventilated and we were told to expect the worst but hope for the best.

We told the children gently that he was very ill and may not live as he was very poorly but we were going to take it a day at a time and see how it goes.

DH pulled through (v.lucky). But we were sympathetic to the ages of the children, and also used very simple language.

to your friend. I’ve been there - it’s a very scary and honestly quite shit place to be. I wish them all the best

So sorry to you and your friend. I like what Avebury suggested, about not always having the right medicine to treat everything. So tough with young kids trying to strike the right balance, so sad. Really really hope he pulls through.

I don't have any experience directly in this, but the advice I've been given, and always followed is to give children the barest truth, and wait for them to ask questions. So perhaps in this case 'Daddy's very ill at the moment, he's in hospital, and the doctors and nurses are trying to get him better, but they don't know if they can.'
And then wait for the children to ask questions themselves. So if they ask 'Is Daddy doing to die?', then reply 'I don't know. He is very ill at the moment, but he is being well looked after, and he's in the best place right now, but we don't know yet if he can get better.'

Basically don't overload them with information that may not have occurred to them. Let them voice what's on their mind, and take the lead from them.

So sorry to hear this.

The three year old won’t grasp any of it properly. So really you’re talking about what the 8yo and the 4/5/6/7 year old will hear.

I would just say he is very very poorly and the doctors are trying their very best to make him better.

If the children specifically ask whether he will get better, I think “I don’t know and the doctors don’t know yet” is the best answer, because I am also an adherent of the idea that you answer what the children ask and no more because if children can formulate the question then they’re ready for an age-appropriate answer.

I wish you all strength

Honesty is best in an age appropriate way, reassurance too. What a horrible situation, lots of DC are really scared and expecting the worst for their parents, they might worry their DM will go too.
I hope he recovers.
@TooMuchBloodyChoice I'm glad your DH came through it.

I would explain that he's very very unwell and the doctors are doing their best to help him but there's a chance he may not pull through. I would tell them what's wrong with him too. Always tell the truth but you don't need over explain as that's too much for kids to take in. Just answer their questions simply. I hope he gets through it.

I hope it does notncome to the point where you need this resource, but Good Books For Tough Times has very good recommendations for storybooks which can help DC deal with death, loss and difficult feelings

www.partnershipforchildren.org.uk/what-we-do/resources-for-parents/good-books-for-tough-times.html

When my dc were 10, 5 and 4 their grandad suffered a massive stroke. I was able to explain more honestly and clearly about the stroke to my 10 year old, he knew he wasnt going to get better and it was just a wait. With the little two i explained that there were lots of wires that carry blood round your head and that the wires had gone wrong, the drs were making sure that grandad was not hurting but they couldnt fix the wires, the 5 year old did ask if he was going to die to which i said yes he is but we dont know when. Ive always found children understand and accept more if you explain simply but honestly.

Have you heard of Winstons Wish? They are organisation specialising in helping children and young people to cope with issues around bereavement and coping with terminal illness in their family. Might be worth telling your friend about them. They have a free phone line for advice. I have referred patients before who have young children and are struggling to know how to discuss illness and death of a family member and I've heard positive things about the advise given

Honesty is the best way to go, from my experience as a child, I didn't know at 9 that medicine couldn't save everybody until my dad died and I developed a horrendous anxiety of medical professionals for a while.

The 8 year old is likely to know that dying means the end at their age so explaining to them he might not get better is a good idea. The younger children might not understand dying yet but it still good to be honest in simple terms with them.