“Doting grandma” MIL

[BeagleBabyMum]

So as not to drip feed, I have been with DH for 10 years, and have heard many negative stories about his upbringing and about MIL’s failings as a mother (think child neglect). Due to this, DH has never had much contact with MIL, and she hasn’t really bothered to initiate contact so no love lost. To add context, MIL is a very heavy smoker and drinker.

We have recently had DS, and since then, MIL has put more effort in to ring DH, maybe once every few weeks or so, mainly to ask about the baby. Now this is not her first GC, and with the others, she always acted like doting grandmother, putting photos and posts on social media, but not putting in any effort.

Since lockdown, DH checks in on her via FaceTime a few times a week, and she always asks to see DS, which is fine, but sometimes it seems like she is shouting at DS to try and get his attention, which lets be honest, at a few months old just isn’t going to happen.

Anyway, this all makes me feel quite uncomfortable, and it has come up a few times before where DH has suggested that if need be, his DM could babysit - this is a massive NO for me.

So AIBU to put my foot down on the matter should it ever come up? I trust my own parents 100%, however I don’t think I’d ever feel like DS would be safe left alone with MIL for more than a few minutes! I think DH would understand where I’m coming from, but unfortunately doesn’t like to hear a bad word said about his DM, regardless of whether it’s the truth or not.

is he on glue?
ask him.....

he admits he doesn't have a positive relationship with her due to abuse, she has never been a part of your lives and is a virtual stranger to you....and he wants to leave his child in her 'care'?!!!

I'd dignify this with an answer only once - "No. I suggest you first work on YOUR relationship with your mother if you want her in your life. Then depending how that goes, we can revisit this conversation.....in a year's time"

Had a similar situation with my DH. We would argue about it & he wouldn’t hear anything said against his DM.
In the end he needed to realise things for himself, no one could tell him.
He has realised now & is non contact

I would frame it that "If need be" will never occur.
In most circumstances your parents will be on hand. If they can't then aunty sue, if she is not available you will stay home.
My dpils were wonderful parents and grandparents but too old/infirm/scary by the time our kids came along. I didn't have an argument about it, it just never happened.

Scatty not scary!

Your DH has an attachment disorder due to his poor upbringing and can't be objective about his mother. I have the same situation and have said very little but have never left my DC in PIL care, it's just never been convenient.

I don't know. Mil is a very heavy smoker and drinker what does this mean? Is she an alcoholic or does she smoke heavily and drink occasionally? Does she have problems with drinking?
If yes, then babysitting is a no no.

However, you can't have issues with her speaking to your dh on the phone? So what is she calls your baby's name on FaceTime to get his attention? Why is that "making you uncomfortable".

I think you need to allow your dh to have some sort of relationship with his mother and consider that you can't block her entirely from your son. I'm not saying let her babysit but just be civil and keep in touch, visit occasionally.

Think carefully about making your parents the grandparents who can do no wrong, and making the mil the grandparent that can do no right.