AIBU to feel uncomfortable? (Cultural heritage)

[AncientRainbowABC]

Name changed for this thread, but I’m a long term poster on multiple boards here. First AIBU though, please be as gentle if you can.

I was born in the UK to European parents. Had a fairly typical British childhood and I’m now a pretty average grown up. Very few people I meet ask where I’m from, or even notice that I’m “not from around here, genetically” - I don’t really stand out as “foreign” or “exotic” (all quotes once applied to me by a creepy boss 😕).

Growing up, we were brought up with two cultures at home, so I am fluent in another language and the accompanying cultural references. None of that is obvious. To be honest, I don’t fully identify with my parents’ culture, having never lived there, apart from maybe over certain holiday traditions which were part of my own growing up here.

The AIBU - I have an acquaintance (English “born and bred”, much as I dislike tags like this) who is about 10 years older than me. She briefly lived in my parents’ home country on an exchange in her youth and it is that other culture that seems to draw her to me, despite multiple other things in common like our profession and a hobby we share. For the last year or so, every single (weekly-ish) interaction with her has started and ended with either how typical I am of that culture, or how something I’m wearing/have in my home/think is “so very much” of that culture. It’s usually over really mundane stuff - it’s not like I’m parading around in national dress or anything! There are also times when this acquaintance messages about something she’s done/cooked/felt and insist she’s being “so very much” of my parents’ culture by doing that.

DH says the acquaintance is just feeling nostalgic or something. It’s true that there is no malice there. But each time all I feel is kind of used and not seen as a whole person, more like a zoo animal. Each interaction just makes me feel uneasy. However I am also mindful of the fact that maybe I’m over-sensitive because of that awful boss experience years ago. Help me understand, lovely MNers! What is this? How do I go forward?

YABU = she’s being friendly, toughen up
YANBU = it’s a bit weird

It's a bit weird.

I lived for a year abroad at uni. I am trying to think if I would comment like that and I just wouldn't...

If they came out with something that was very unique to that culture then yes but I can't see that it would happen apart from specific traditions around Christmas etc.

So she's done this over 50 times
Why are you still bothering with her?

To be fair, my adult children do things very similar to me; our houses are decorated in the same style, we have the same family customs, eat similar foods etc. You are probably very like your intents, and their customs etc are from their country of birth.

I think that it's uncomfortable because you feel reduced to just being from X culture. When you are from a different country people seem to think that everything you do, say, eat etc you do because you are from X country. Yes it does make you feel like a zoo animal!

She sounds like an insufferable bore. Ditch her. Why spend time with someone who makes you uncomfortable?

YANBU.

Have you talked to her about how this is affecting you ?
She may not realise.

That's a bit odd. It sounds like she categorises people by one aspect & has decided your culture is your category to her. If you want to keep her as a friend start ignoring any culture reference & change the subject: & if she still insists, distance yourself.

Is she only making reference about it to you privately or is she using your relationship to virtue signal to other people about how cosmopolitan she is?

Yanbu, she is trying to be friendly but also trying to remind you how special she is to know xyz about your culture. She just wants to demonstrate her knowledge to you all the time. Annoying and nauseating. She is reducing you to an example of that culture and I totally get your zoo comment. Maybe just slowly phase her out.

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

I have tried changing the subject to other things - work, politics, children - but she will do polite/superficial comments on that and then revert back to the cultural stuff. Our interactions have been getting shorter and shorter for that reason.

I’ve never told her it all makes me feel uncomfortable, can’t think of a polite way to do it and there are some vague professional ties there.

I don’t know whether she’s doing any virtue signalling to others about me, I’ve never been aware of it. Now I think if it, she has previously told me and DH about being invited to someone’s home to break the fast after Ramadan and was kind of gleeful about it. Maybe gleeful isn’t the right word, but there was an element of “aren’t I special”. So perhaps she does the same about us elsewhere. She’s been asking to come over for food and, of course, could it please be traditional food. The more I think of it, the more I don’t want to carry on. I think I’ll just let this go slowly.

Yes, some people can get abit like that. I’m Swedish and there are sometimes people that obsess over my looks/clothes/home interior all of which are pretty average tbh. It’s like they zone in on it and nothing that’s ME matters, just the Swedish bit.
My dh who is black (British) gets it too. “Oh I love jerk chicken/ Bob Marley/the care free nature in the Caribbean/whatever.
But you know what. I’ll take it over racist or xenophobic people any day.

Sorry cross post

Sounds like living with your family had a real impact on her and that she loves your culture. Also sounds like she want to feel like part of your family.

She sounds a bit... thick? Like, all she can associate with you is this heritage thing and is unable to see you as anything other than “X nationality.”

How you respond depends on how frustrating it becomes. I think I’d ignore it, but I wouldn’t blame you if you feel you need to address it.

It sounds like she is acting out and working hard to show off that she is not racist blah black and making such a deal of it that she is actually proving the opposite.

Actually FlaskMaster out it better.

Trust your instincts. It’s making you uncomfortable for a reason.

Liberals, who think they are oh so liberal....

just distance yourself.
it's her problem if she sees people as categories/ tokens.
don't let it become your problem.
reduce to a professional only association, polite but not affectionate.

Oh how tedious. She's trying to show off about how immersed in your parents' culture she became, almost as though it's now become second nature to her. It could be that she has very little going on in her life and nothing in particular she feels confidently knowledgeable about so is clinging on to this as a way to show how cosmopolitan she is, as BestZebbie said. It could be that this exchange trip was the most exciting thing to ever happen to her and on her return she could have received a lot of attention so is still banging on about it now. It would bore me to tears. It must be so mundane for you. Can you imagine texting her every time you have a cup of tea, or calling her 'so typically British' every time she has one?
Maybe one option would be to just look confused next time she tells you that you are so typical of your parents' culture. Just look confused and explain that there is a rich diversity within that culture, just as there is in Britain, so you find it hard to equate what you do with being typically of that culture?

She's weird. You are right to distance yourself as much as possible. It sounds like it's about her. Is she very proud to know someone she considers foreign? Because it seems she pays fuck all attention to your Britishness.

It's like some bizarre sort of racism whereby she values knowing you (not you, or your friendship, but knowing you, like someone she can tick off her 'foreign people I know' list) purely because of your background.

She’s a tiresome cultural tourist, and you’re Exhibit A in her personal zoo.

I’m also going to guess that in fact she’s spent very little time abroad since her time in your parents’ country, so has no other yardstick apart from ‘How Things Are Done Here’ and ‘Exotic Stuff’ from Your Parents’ Country’.

I had an interaction with a friend last week which left me feeling annoyed/upset, so I was going to post on AIBU.
Then I realised that this wasn’t the first time I had felt this way about this friend. So I have decided to cut her out.
What I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is if she is making you uncomfortable it doesn’t matter what we think, go with your instincts.

It sounds pretty tiresome! I think you need to decide whether this is worth saving....

So to me, the choice is, say something or back off completely.

I've had this a little bit... As having that "fantastic British sense of humour" (whatever that it...), and being 'typically British' .

I would be sooo pissed off is this was the one thing people focused on EVERY time we met!

Sit down and talk with her about it. Seems a shame to lose a friendship if it's not done through spite and it's maybe ignorance. It doesn't seem malicious and she may be a good person in other ways. It depends how she reacts - if she's horrified and says she'll stop doing it, then maybe you can get the friendship back on track, but in a new way, without any problems. If she gets defensive or doesn't want to change - knowing that it bothers you - then you have a different problem.

• Obviously this would have to be done via the phone given the current situation.

Thanks everyone for the further comments. This thread has been so helpful in clarifying my feelings about it all and I will, gently, phase her out. Time to break out of the zoo! I don’t have the bandwidth to try and fix it.

Those who said that this person hasn’t got much going on/not seen much - absolutely right. While this is someone truly at the top of their game work-wise, and impressively so, they have no partner and few genuine friendships. Also right that, although she’s travelled a bit for work, there isn’t really any deep understanding of other cultures through that, all feels a bit caricatured and maybe even superior at times when she talks about it. Perhaps this comes from a lack of connection with actual people in those places, though that’s just speculation on my part.

Writing it up like this does make me question why I’ve plodded on with this so long! I guess I’ve always felt I might learn something. But not at any sort of personal cost, life is “interesting” enough as it is at the moment.