I know I’m being Unreasonable

[Ijustcomeheretorant]

So here’s the thing, I have 3 children all under 4. 2 with special needs and a stepchild.

I have been with my husband for 6 years nearly 7.

I have reluctantly decided that I should end things and go my separate way.

We are currently living in a 5 bedroom house which he owns, and I drive a car that he owns. He pays most of the bills, I do my debts and bills including car insurance and petrol and childcare and food and pay 312 towards the mortgage.

I would like to note that he is a devoted father and partner. He has worked very hard and has tried to accommodate and he has had a lot to deal with. High pressured job, his mum passing, moving house, broken collarbone, 3 children in 4 years as well as having another child.

But our issues are that I am messy, he is tidy. He expects things to be kept up very well and too a high standard. Appliances, walls, soft furnishings, ornaments, furniture, windows, carpets, floors. His parents have the same values.

I in comparison feel like an absolute slob.

I forget to put things back, I don’t always clean up after myself and the children. I seem to rush from one thing to another or end up giving up on the sofa.

When we are not I’m covid my children have different childcare’s, and therapies and appointments. Everyday. I also pick his child up everyday from school. I work early morning as a cleaner and after the school run and go out at night. One of my children is possible adhd/autism and doesn’t sleep and can’t switch off and can be challenging. One of my children has DS and has sleep apnea and one of my children are very young so teething no sleep yet etc.

Now in covid my adhd/autism little ones is everywhere and into everything and regressing I’m behaviour, my little one with DS is needing support and therapies and my youngest needs stimulating and my step child needs educating. We moved about 6 months ago and everything does not still have a place, I’m fighting a losing battle here. My little one with adhd just makes more mess and chaos.

I have 2 chronic conditions, 2 miscarriages since January this year and have a coil which has perforated my womb and is near entering my bowel but they won’t operate because of COVID.

I am trying my best but bloody failing.

My husband and is still working 7-3:30 in the it industry, he is putting washing on, loading the dishwasher, doing the majority of the washing up and has the children when I work part time in a shop whilst I am on furlough.

He has said that I am getting at him all the time, I don’t understand the hard work he is putting in, I’m never happy. I don’t do much with the kids, I’m lazy and I don’t do anything in the house.

I have felt my confidence drop and I feel very sad. I feel disconnected from my husband and feel that I want a break.

With covid this is not possible.

I have moved downstairs and have said that I think we need to spilt.

Is this hopeless?

Where is the step child's mother?

Do you love him? So you even like him?

Were things ok before the lockdown, or just kinda ok but muddling on?

Being on top of each other 24/7 will put a strain on most relationships and exaggerate behaviours that normally could possibly be ignored/coped with.

What you need to ask yourself is ,is this a relationship worth saving and that you want to stay in for years to come? If the answer is no and you can't see yourself living with him ,then it's over.

Step child’s mother works full time, he has dinner with us 5 days a week. 1 week she picks him up 2 days after, 2 days we take him home late, he stays the weekend and the other week it’s opposite apart from holidays which are 50/50

I do love him. I’m just so bloody tired, I think we were muddling along. I just wish I could do what he wants

Don’t make any rushed decisions during Covid!!

And yes I’ve tried talking to him but it just seems to be water off a ducks back

3 children under 4 is tremendously difficult, even without special needs mixed in. I personally think now is not the time to make a decision like this: this time is very far from normal, and you have a huge amount of pressure.

That said, I think you definitely need to be working together at give and take, and accepting that neither of you are perfect.

Do you normally manage OK when your husband isn't working from home and all is normal? Or is it always a struggle that this has just magnified?

How old is your youngest? And were you actively trying for a fourth child (you say you have had 2 recent miscarriages)?

What does he do when things aren't to his standards?

Can you just prioritise and do just whatever is necessary and relieve some pressure off you, or will he get mad/tell you off etc?

When do you get a chance to sleep? Does he share night wakings?

Is it possible that you also have ADHD. It manifests itself very differently in females. Being disorganised and unable to stay focussed can be a trait. If so you could seek treatment, advice and therapies that might help you feel better and want to save your marriage.

My aunt said she wouldn’t have coped with her dh working away and 3 dc under 6 if I hadn’t basically lived with her, taking the 2 eldest dc to the primary next to my school and picking them up. I don’t know how people do manage with 3 little ones, one is hard enough.

Please don't take this as a judgement but you sound depressed.
I know how hard it is with 1 dc with adhd/asd and a teenager, I can't imagine how much harder you have it . Can you talk to your gp ? Maybe get some online talking therapy

Could you have depression? It sounds like you’ve a lot on your plate just now. Between the kids, getting settled into the new house and the miscarriages-not to mention the lockdown and additional stress that brings- maybe you’re a bit overwhelmed and in need of someone to talk to?

(Also, as far as I know, if you’re furloughed then you’re not supposed to be doing another job-my dp was told that)