To feel irrationally territorial about my DD

[cannonball8726]

My MIL is nice but so obsessed with my 11 month old DD. When we got home after birth, I struggled with her taking the baby from me and hated when she tried to come into my bedroom to see baby when I was breastfeeding. She would pick her up when she was asleep and wake her up. I hate it when she grabs her out of my arms whenever we see her. She constantly messages me about her asking for pictures and videos (I do send them). She is obsessed with her. I know she is just a doting granny but I have these irrational thoughts about her wanting to steal my baby and that she'd be happy if I was dead so she could take her. I know these are really weird thoughts and I'm embarrassed about them. Has anyone had these thoughts before and do they just go away?

You are not alone in these feelings. Have a quick search of these boards and you will fine tons of advice regarding overbearing mil.
Luckily you have a three plus week break from her to reset some boundaries.

I think some of this sounds very normal (irritation about constant demands for pics for example ) and some of it less so. I am no expert but being anxious that someone is going to take your baby or wants you dead sounds like a possible symptom of PND - is there a friendly health visitor or similar that you can have a word with?

Have you or your partner asked his mother to try to keep up having a relationship with you as a person in your own right? Rather than the vessel of the Precious Heir? If not it’s probably a good idea.

Overbearing MILs are a nightmare so I completely sympathise. She should totally respect your boundaries.
The thoughts you have been having mind you, if I’m honest, are very reminiscent of a good friend of mine who had PND. Realistically your MIL does not want you dead and irrational thoughts like this were the first signal that my friend needed some loving and gentle support. I am no doctor so I cannot diagnose - just perhaps something to think about.
Wishing you all the best 💐

Well you know that these thoughts are irrational, quite clearly she won’t want you dead and isn’t planning on stealing your child.
It sounds like Pnd, you need a chat with your GP or HV.

She sounds like a fucking lunatic. Tell her to back off.

1st gc ? even so she's waaay too intrusive and needs boundries, next three weeks to get started.

Oh I hated all that, not just from MIL, but anyone who grabbed my DS from my arms caused me to have irrational thoughts. You will get past it. Don't be afraid to ask her politely if she'd mind waiting when DD is sleeping. That would wind me up too.

Thank you. Feel embarrassed as thought I would shake off these feelings as the months go by but they're still there. She doesn't really talk to me as a person (although we don't have anything in common apart from my husband - accept that's a big thing to have in common!) - she just messages me about DD and I do find it irritating. I know I'm probably just being harsh. How do I stop her constant messages?

I know the thoughts I'm having are bizarre. I'm working on a covid ward so do have fears that I may die because of inadequate PPE because we all know healthcare workers personally who are very unwell. I have had these horrible thoughts that if I did die, she would be happy to have DH and DD living with her. I guess it's a really anxious time now and exhaustion and working with really unwell patients is affecting my mental state.

I think coming into someones bedroom never mind when they're breastfeeding a baby, is a massive invasion of privacy. And taking a baby out of your arms without asking, and picking up a sleeping baby, are both things that people with normal boundaries wouldnt consider.

Maybe you can use this time to practice how you're going to nicely but assertively stop her doing this in the future, I'm sure someone will be along to recommend phrases to use.

In the meantime I think you have to break the habit of her contacting you for baby related news. I can understand how she may have got into such a habit eg if your husband was at work and you were on maternity, but now you're working you have a great excuse. You're too busy and tired to respond to all her messages so she is best off asking your husband at the moment. And ask him to start sending her pics and videos etc and then she will maybe start asking him for them

Funny how the overbearing MIL problem seems to disappear when the baby becomes a loud, destructive whirling dervish of a toddler. My own DM went right off the kids when they dropped their afternoon naps. Far too much like hard work.

I felt exactly as you describe and it wasn't PND, it was my MIL being awful. Dressing it up as 'doting' on the baby when crossing every boundary and making herself feel like a threat when I'd just given birth and was vulnerable. If she'd just been kind I'd have liked her to be close to us, but it was like she was determined from the very start to bulldoze me. Reading your post really brings it all back, you have my total sympathy.

Ask MIL to chill out give some space, she sounds overbearing, secondly you need to speak to a GP. I hope you feel better soon.

YDNBU. My ex’s mother was a bit like that. She didn’t overstep the boundaries as much at the beginning. She was more polite, but she gradually took over more and more.

My advice is to assert your position. Don’t let her do anything ‘motherly’ even if they’re small things. Don’t let her disregard your rules or what’s best for baby. Smile politely and correct her. She’ll gradually get the message.

As for the texts, leave longer between replies and keep your replies briefer, changing the subject to other things.

Try not to let her get to you. I know how hard it is, and you’re not imagining the overstepping. This is your baby not hers. Make sure you calmly and politely make that clear by your actions.

I agree - replying fuels texts. I'd reply once a day or so, if that seems reasonable? However many texts she sends.

It’s not irrational to be annoyed or angry when someone tries to take your baby from you, invades you’re privacy (whether or not you’re feeding at the time) or wakes your sleeping baby. Those are perfectly normal feelings. You want your baby near you and to get rest and space from interference. Normal. Healthy. Totally rational.

Your baby is a person, not a toy, MIL seems to have forgotten that.

Don’t doubt your instincts and do create and stick to boundaries you’re comfortable with.