Letting the kids do what they want...

[Lazyparent]

OK, so we started lockdown with good intentions - then it got too much. I heard an interesting podcast from South Mimms U which said the lazy parent is the best parent. The opposite of all that Tiger Mom stuff. Music to my ears. And it works... a calm house all of a sudden. Am I kidding myself? apple.co/2rbVx52

No. It’s a lot calmer being a lazy parent. But it’s not something you should do every day.

Mines a relaxed house here too and so far so good. When the call to go back to school comes i will make sure that the kids have caught up with as much as they can school wise, but for now its just keeping them relaxed and not frightened really. Me and DH are both in a slightly higher risk group so theyve enough floating about in there to worry about :)

I think it depends, if I'm lazy and let them on technology all day and let them eat rubbish (no proper meals) they are v bad tempered and hard to get motivated when I need them to. Plus horrendous mood swings.

However letting them veg out in pjs and letting them guide what learning to do and what they want to play with that is my style. Less pressure but still a routine. Most children need boundaries and guidance. Plus actual meals no constant snacking. Mine are 11 and 7.

I don't think of myself as a lazy parent but I must me as my son does do what he wants most of the time, with encouragement from me to get school work done. It works for us.

I'm a pretty relaxed parent and while my teen son can be a handful I think it's more innate personality than anything I am or not doing. I have found being strict or shouty gets me nowhere, the softly softly approach much more successful.

Instincts and common sense.

My daughter and I had a busy schedule pre lockdown. It's just us two at home. She sees her dad on a Friday night/ Saturday until 4pm, this is NOT happening at the moment.

Me (34) and her (7 in a few weeks)
We have a great relationship but I like to be busy.

We've coped well since lockdown started. We had Easter break but still did a little play through learning, reading, times tables during holidays.

We had a large amount of school work set last week (our term re-started Tuesday)

We did ok 😬

I think it's important that she understands that there are things in life we HAVE to do regardless off wether we want to.

But also she was washed out and grey looking on Wednesday (no energy, constipated)
So I let her spend the day in bed watching films. With the understanding that she wasn't to play her online game later or chat with friends. And we would do double schoolwork the next day.

Long rambling post BUT

I have been really proud of her so far and I like to cut her some slack and not give her a hard time of it.
But also letting her know that these responsibilities (school, housework etc) won't go away and still need to be done.

Her behaviour has improved since lockdown we both seem more relaxed.

It's strange times.

A bit of both. I've limited screen time but I've definitely let the DC get on with entertaining themselves a lot more and maybe it's just a coincidence but they've both become more independent and both really committed to certain hobbies (art for DD, programming for DS).

I’m happy for them to trot about doing pretend play (they are doing that right now) as it’s lighting up the positive social/imaginative side of their brains. What I’m not happy about is then sitting on screens all day. I don’t think that’s good for a developing brain. I’m happy for there to be some short blasts of iPad, but not all day.

It’s Easter holidays. It’s the most stressful time in recent history. The world has gone to shit. Chill out. If the kids spend a few days in their PJs, playing online games with their mates, eating sandwiches, what’s the biggie? Just be thankful you’ve got a healthy family. A good friend of mine is going through Chemo. A friend of mine works in a school where one of the mothers killed herself due to domestic violence last week. People have got real life shit going on. Life ending shit. So your kids don’t make the A grades? Really? Let them be. More important for everyone to be calm and chilled. I grew up in a house with a mother who couldn’t let anything go. Had to be “on it” every second. Now I don’t want to go home or have anything to do with her. It’s a shit way to grow up. Do some cooking, gardening...not all learning is writing and mathematics. We will do an hour max of school learning per day when the schools go back. We then supplement with games like monopoly or scrabble or cooking or den building. They get to decide. The best memories of this time will be the times we all sat around the TV eating popcorn at 11am on a random Wednesday. Make the most of these lemons people!!

I find that as a pp said, if I let them do exactly what they want e.g. constant screen time and snacking they are awful.
But a mix of structured activities and free choice works better. It also breaks up the day. I do still insist on chores/washing being done. I think that's part of teaching them that in life there are still things which need to get done even if we don't feel like it. I don't think complete free rein is healthy as it's unrealistic.
I do also allow them to be bored and have to think of their own activities. This definitely encourages creative play and again, in life as an adult you don't have someone constantly providing you with things to do so it's good for their independence.

Like most things in life it's about a balance.

Some things we've been strict about, some not.
Flexibility according to a situation, a punishment to fit the 'crime'.

I happily let dd do what she likes because she self regulates screen time, does loads of creative, imaginative play off her own bat and asks to go for a scoot, walk etc. DS on the other hand would literally just be on a screen from dawn til dusk so I have to orchestrate his, day rather more. Usually, when it's only the weekend to worry about I'm up for the battle every day but at the moment, as a single parent, I've taken the decision that it's going to create an awful negative atmosphere if I'm on his back constantly. He does have times in the day when he must be off screens and will do but then always wants me to play with him. He never has engaged in the same kind of play as his sister, even from really young. It's a balancing act but I value a harmonious house and his attitude has not deteriorated with more screen time so fine.

Yes, it's about balance and being 'good enough' - it's just that when we try too hard the kids don't thrive. All that Tiger Mom stuff where you regiment their days doesn't enrich them. Sure their results might good, for a while, but long-term... I'm not so sure. When parents back off, kids get more creative.

I definitely avoid the Tiger mum stuff. You can't discover what you're interested in if all your time is arranged for you. I do limit screen time though. For us it yes it can be useful when someone's sick or you have to get work done etc but in the long run I think loads of screen time makes our lives more stressful not less as everyone becomes moody and angry rather than more relaxed.

Dd is almost 12. I’ve given her access to things online I would not normally. Snap chat and instagram. She just wants to have them. Not really using them as she knows she is not allowed to post. Snap chat is for the photo modifications (make you look like a dog etc) and insta is for access to her dance classes.

Lock down is incredibly hard for me. I’m awaiting major surgery and am disabled and chronically ill. I don’t have the energy to be the parent she needs.

She’s an active child and since the warm weather came, has been practicing gymnastics moves for hours on the trampoline. As for tv, I’ve let her watch a 15. Just one. I know she won’t get nightmares from the film. The rest of the time, it’s almost wall to wall Norris nuts. 🙄

Ds is doing what he likes apart from the days he is at school

Single parent having to work under pressure and at risk at work have to pay bills completely in my own - I’m doing the best I can. Others have it far worse

I’m choosing my battles and want my home life as calm as possible I can’t bring home my anxiety

We battled a little over homework yesterday and he will be back to online schooling this week so better structure that helps our situation. I’m glad he is at school even if part time (I compromised with him he doesn’t want to go but he is too young to be at home alone for the whole time I’m at work)

But yes far too much time on screens than I would like but this isn’t forever

And yes maybe to some I am a lazy parent I let myself off during this time I need to look after myself too

There is a HUGE jump between lazy and Tiger. Routine is important and so is breaking that routine for holidays etc, otherwise everyday is a holiday and that’s not real life.

We don’t get PJ days in this house as we have a dog and come rain or shine he needs to go out.

I have 3 kids so need some sort of order to the house else it becomes chaos and fighting over devices.
We’ve relaxed over the Easter holidays and just made sure we’ve caught up with the work that was set before.
‘School’ starts back tomorrow so we will follow a loose timetable otherwise the kids will just be on electronics 24/7
So a couple of hours in the morning doing work set by the school. Then some active movement time (walk/trampoline/table tennis/joe wicks etc) then lunch, then topic time (science experiment/geography or humanities etc) then creative time then non electronics free time (board games/reading etc)

I'm a very relaxed parent. As long as my teens do their best at school, get their homework done and are polite and respectful, I let them get on with whatever else they want. No rules on screen time or holiday bedtimes here. It works for us.

Holidays/ weekends/ after "school" : pretty much allowed to do as they please provided they all shower/ make beds and keep rooms tidy/ exercise/ read and do music practice ( if relevant) daily. meals together and snack at normal levels. Some family activities like board games, baking, art projects, garden stuff....

"School" for them is following usual timetable as much as possible so they are in a fairly normal routine then....

Screen time is massively up from usual but I think that's fair enough at the moment....

PS Largely sticking to normal holiday/ weekend or term time bedtimes, but as they are all teens that's much in line with my bedtime! Indeed, am often in bed before eldest as I like an early night....

I think I'm somewhere in the middle, my eldest has the freedom to play/learn/explore as she wants too but she also has basic rules that she knows must be followed too (things like set bedtime, set mealtimes and snack times because otherwise she struggles to eat properly, and tidying things away)
I tried to have a rigid routine and copy 'school' and felt like I was failing miserably. Then my mental health nurse told me that's not what she needed and honestly that felt like a huge weight being lifted, so now we are pretty relaxed and much happier.

I’ve been using the compromise, balance and routine approach.
It’s working for us, especially the routine bit. At one point DD was in bed until early afternoon and them moody all day. Now if she’s not up by 11am she’s pretty much told to get up (and shower/dress). However, as long as she’s not in pyjamas she can wear anything. She also needs to do the same ‘chores’ she always did but it doesn’t matter when.

I did the ultimate in lazy parenting and left mine to it (disclaimer they are university students not kids) but I'm getting phone calls moaning about not adhering to cleaning rotas and the food money being spent on vodka! I think it's about working out what you can do and ensure everyone is coping ok. (I'm debating going to sort things out but im fed up with the mum stuff after 22 years!)