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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I block my ex and sons dad

24 replies

Rubyredruth · 18/04/2020 14:54

I am looking for some advice.
When everything started with the coronavirus my ex phoned me to say he thought it would be best if our son stayed at home with me for the time being as to not spread it. He has asthma and his parent have various health problems, so I agreed this was probably best. Since then I have only heard from him once and that was say that his folks wanted to speak to their grandson on a video call which I set up for them all. My son usually goes out to stay with his grandparents and his dad every 2nd weekend and so far he has missed 2 visits and was due to go be going this weekend again.
I've had no contact from them, not even a message...nothing.
I feel like I should block him and stop contact. He has let our son down so badly and I know he will again in the future. He has never paid any maintenance for him and will usually drop him off home early on his weekends.
What would you do?

OP posts:

LolaSkoda · 18/04/2020 14:58

I think it is petty to block him. Blocking is to remove unwanted contact, not something you do to show your displeasure.

I think you need to show some maturity in this situation, for the well-being of your son.

kitk · 18/04/2020 15:01

What Lola said. If you stand in the way of their relationship it will backfire in the future. If his dad lets him down that's on him, not you

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2020 15:05

Have you gone through the CMS for child support? Does your ask your speak to his dad?

Not sure why you want to block him when you’re annoyed he’s not in touch enough. Are you planning to deny contact from now on?

He’s doing the right thing by protecting his vulnerable parents. If you feel your son is suffering due to not enough communication with his dad you could suggest aha initiates regular calls or video chat. You shouldn’t have to but it might benefit your son who didn’t ask for any of this drama.

HandfulOfDust · 18/04/2020 15:13

Definitely don't block him - you're (justifiably) angry but that would be a petty reaction that wouldn't achieve anything for your son. Could you not text him and let him know his son's missing him and have him arrange a phone call/zoom chat etc.

OldEvilOwl · 18/04/2020 15:15

No don't block him, as you are then blocking contact. Why doesn't he pay anything? I'd worry more about that if I was you

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/04/2020 15:18

Have you gone through Cms.

How old is Ds?

I don’t see a reason for blocking .

I also don’t see a reason to stop contact maybe revisit how contact works once this is over

Original poster

Rubyredruth · 18/04/2020 15:18

Thanks ladies.
I am more disappointed than angry really and don't know what to do for the best?
As regards to maintenance...hes has never offered and I have managed without it and would rather not have anything from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rubyredruth · 18/04/2020 15:19

DS is 10 now

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 18/04/2020 15:20

No I wouldn't block , I personally agree with not sending kids to the other parent during this time so I'm with him on that .the not contacting him is a but rubbish but not a reason to stop contact.

BaronessBomburst · 18/04/2020 15:22

"I'd rather not having anything from him" is a foolish way of looking at it. The money is for your son, not you. If you really don't need it put it into a savings account and he can use it for driving lessons or towards university.
And blocking him would be childish and petty.

Coka · 18/04/2020 15:22

That maintence is not for you, it is for his son. If your son doesnt need it at this time keep it in an account for him. Go through cms.

okiedokieme · 18/04/2020 15:53

Don't block him. Your son is entitled to a relationship with his father. Everyone is dealing with the pandemic differently so cut your ex some slack for now. Once it's a bit safer return to a set plan for your sons sake.

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/04/2020 15:58

I think the point he has never offered isn’t a reason not to claim. If you don’t actually need the money it can pay for luxuries. At 10 he will have his own opinion and decide for himself . He may get hurt along the way but he would simply resent you for stopping it.

VimFuego101 · 18/04/2020 16:04

Suspending contact was sensible given the circumstances. Why didn't you discuss weekly contact via phone/ FaceTime when you spoke about cutting out actual visits for the foreseeable future?

LemonSqueezy0 · 18/04/2020 16:05

The high road of saying "I don't need his money" hints a bit of a frustration towards your ex- and perhaps a tendency towards not liking the father of your DS, or preferring him not to be around...

CMS and access are two different things, so you could (should!) claim CMS and either improve your DS quality of life now, or keep it for his future if you genuinely can't improve anything for him. This is regardless of whether or not your Ex- sees his son. So don't frustrate that, or stir the pot during the pandemic, but keep the lines of communication open for him to contact his son. Then afterwards, set some better parameters.

Original poster

Rubyredruth · 19/04/2020 11:02

Thanks for everyone's advice. I think I've not really explained myself properly and my reason for thinking about blocking him.
I am very resentful towards my ex...I was left high and dry with a small baby for a reason a still don't know and even now it is his parents who maintain the contact not him. I have asked for maintenance but it has never materialised and it's down to my own laziness i guess that I've not approached CMS to claim it from him but I've always thought that if I can manage with out it then I would as I really don't want anything to do with him, maybe a bit selfish but just how I feel towards him. When we spoke about stopping visits during this time we did speak about messaging and video calls and he has not kept up with this. He knows my number and is able to contact me anytime but hasn't and I don't see why I should be the one to maintain this? Surely that is down to him?

As it is I won't black him but i just hope that my son isn't hurt by him as badly as i have been.

OP posts:

kitk · 19/04/2020 11:49

You don't need to maintain anything. Let your son see his dad doesn't give a shit, but don't stand in the way of their relationship because that will backfire on you badly

user1493413286 · 19/04/2020 11:52

I would claim maintenance and put it in a savings account for your DS if you don’t want/need to use it; his dad shouldn’t get away with not paying for his son

brendansbuddy · 19/04/2020 12:15

Not sure why you mention he doesn't pay maintenance, then say you don't want it. My ex is a total arse and I understand your not wanting anything to do with yours. But there's a difference between colluding and blocking. I'd go for maintenance, keep expectations very low, focus on your relationship with your child and your own life, and let him manage contact or otherwise. You don't have to initiate it, but equally don't obstruct it as it can be used against you. My in-laws were also crap but I realized while I was disappointed in all of them, it's actually fine that lthey don't have contact or fight to get it. Leaves me free to get on with my life and help my kids grow up. At some point yours may opt for a relationship with him but you're quite right, it's not your job to make that work for your ex

timetest · 19/04/2020 12:19

Claim maintenance now. If you don’t need it put it away for your child.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/04/2020 15:29

Your Ds will be hurt by his Dad rejecting / not bothering with him. He will resent you too if you stop contact. The desire to protect your Ds is normal- however sometimes you can’t.

It definitely isn’t up to you to chase his Dad. Leaving it open is important.

Tomoveornotomove2 · 19/04/2020 15:32

1- it’s not about managing without it, you are entitled to it. Start a CMS claim and back date it.

2- don’t block him but keep a diary of days he has made contact, that way you have proof of his lack of want to be there for DS.

3- you need to be the ADULT make good choices.

Thus applying for CMS and putting it away for a uni fund is the best option.

Don’t be petty

PumpkinP · 19/04/2020 15:43

Cms won’t back date it, it will only go back to the date op started the claim. I still don’t think you should block him after your update. He will just spin it that you stopped him seeing his son, your son is 10 so he will see it for himself what his dad is like, he’s old enough to realise himself

TW2013 · 19/04/2020 15:50

At ten can your son have his own phone (ideally sorted by his father or grandparents) and then the contact can be through that with you just being involved with face to face arrangements when they resume. How will blocking help if he isn't contacting you anyway?

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