to be upset on behalf of my nanny friend?

[FairyOnTheChristmasTree]

I have a friend who nannies for a wealthy family here down in Sussex. They are quite posh but she gets on well with them. They treat her nicely and they think she does a great job with their baby daughter. She is a live-in nanny and is quite happy there.

The family recently had a dinner party prepared and cooked by mum boss, invited about 8 of their friends, the dinner party went on from about 7pm - shortly after midnight but the parents didn't invite friend to join them so she skulked around in her room and the living room all night alone. She wasn't on duty and the baby was put to bed before the guests arrived. I'm a bit miffed on my friends behalf that she wasn't asked to join in.

mabye it was a friends only dinner i dont think its strange to be honest

I think you are being unreasonable. It was their friends and their social life. No matter how well she gets on with the family, they are under no obligation to let her join in any or all of their social activities.

If I were the nanny I would gladly have kept out of the way or even gone out for the evening, so as to let them enjoy some time in their own home with their own friends.

She's their employee not their friend, even if they do get on.

If I had a live in nanny and had friends round for dinner I wouldn't invite the nanny.

She works for the family - she might be part of the family but she's still an employee.

YABU.

How bizarre. This is one of the main reasons I would never have a live-in nanny though. Of course the parents have a right to their own social life, not with the nanny hanging about when their freinds are over. But I can see how it would be awkward anyway.

If they'd made her cook the whole meal and passed it off as tehir own handiwork!!!...well then she'd have grounds to grumble!!!

It must be me and friend then. She feels a little homesick at the moment too as she's from Scotland so quite far and she hasn't been home for 12 months, poor lamb. I always got invited to things like this when I nannied but each family does things different I suppose.

Pamina, I didn't mean it to sound like posh people are hard to get on with, just these ones are a bit hard to please and think they're really something special because of their status.

I think, Fairy, your being always included in things like this when you were a live-in nanny is very very unusual - lovely, of course, but unusual. I don't think I know of any families, posh or otherwise, that would as a matter of course include a live-in nanny in their dinner parties. Lunch parties, maybe - so when the children are around - but not evenings.

I think the only basis your friend has for miffedness is that perhaps the boss should have encouraged her to have an evening out rather than feeling like a spare part. But quite possibly the boss didn't know (because of what I was saying above about what's usual) that your friend would feel like a spare part.

They live in a very rural place and nanny doesn't drive so it's very hard to get out, except through the day on the bus that makes ONE journey only. She hasn't been out with any friends since she's been there but talks to the mums who are 20+ years older than she at the village baby group. She misses get togethers with friends etc and I suppose it's starting to take its toll on her.

She needs to get her license...wonder if the parents are keen for her to drive...wonder if they'd stump up for some lessons???

The family I worked for who invited me to their dinner parties and out with their friends etc where really spot on and sooo accommodating to me plus living in a village, they knew how lonely I was. They even used to get a babysitter to look after my charges while they dragged me out with them. They were one in a million though, it seems.

I think that it is perfectly understandable that your friend's bosses don't want to include her in their social life and also perfectly understandable that your friend is feeling lonely.

She really needs to learn to drive so that she can participate in the local scene. Maybe her bosses could be persuaded to help her fund driving lessons?

I've been a nanny twice, once for a v posh family in paros (the father is a very well known lawyer and his wife an ex model) who treated me like something the cat had dragged in and then in Milan for a well off single mother who treated me like a member of the family, along with the rest of her family. She often used to have dinner parties and I never expected to be invited to them, although I was on a couple of occasions. She also went out of her way to make me find people of my own age. Has your friend suggested driving lessons ?

well in all honesty as much as she gets on with them she is staff and that would seem normal to me

YBAU it's not the family's fault their nanny hasn't got her own life. Having said that, if I were them I'd have laid a place for her or asked if she wanted to join but hoped she'd have had more exciting things to do.

Reading your post makes me less inclined to move out of London (always thought countryside better for kids), as our aupairs have always found plenty of friends and never wanted to hang around old farts like us

She is a member of staff. Why would she be invited? YABU.

BTW I used to be a live in nanny and helped out with a dinner party. It would not have crossed my mind to think I should have been invited, and it wouldn't have been much fun anyway with a load of people I didn't know.