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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this child contact arrangement is utterly ridiculous?

20 replies

PoppyOh · 17/04/2020 18:32

DH has a DD with ex. For whatever reason they have never had set days, apparently they just prefer to see what works for them on any given week and so neither I or DD know whether she is coming or going from one minute to the next.

It can be a text on Monday saying 'can you have X tonight' and then another two days later asking about Friday and Saturday for example.

Another week it might be Tuesday Wednesday Saturday and Sunday (usually not decided until the very very last minute), the next Wednesday and Friday for example... It's just so up and down and all over the place.

DSD is always asking where she is staying that night and theres been times before where I've had to say I don't know when she's asked me. It's so unsettling for her but no one seems bothered.

Aibu to think this is not a very good set up for child contact? DH just wants to see her whenever possible so is just happy with as much as he can get. I think it's important to have some form of structure even if it's just at least finding out a week in advance for her sake but also for everyone else's.

We cannot plan anything. Which isn't so bad now but in the past it's been a real problem, having to cancel plans at the drop of a hat etc...

There's just no structure for any of us.

OP posts:

Umnoway · 17/04/2020 18:34

Not great for the child’s development at all. Children thrive on routine and structure.

TabbyMumz · 17/04/2020 18:35

Sounds crazy. So unsettling for her. What happens if she starts having activities or sports clubs.

Original poster

PoppyOh · 17/04/2020 18:36

I really feel for her. You can tell she gets upset sometimes. Others I think she's just resigned to it.

I hate to admit it but I find it hard as well never knowing what's going on in my home because it's never discussed with me beforehand. Which I understand on one hand because I'd never say she can't come, this is her home of course, but equally it would be nice to know before she's 5 minutes from being dropped off that she's coming.

OP posts:

Original poster

PoppyOh · 17/04/2020 18:37

She does do some after school activities. That in itself is a bloody pain having to run round for them at the last minute but we all live fairly close by to each other so it's not a huge problem.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2020 19:24

I think it sounds fine, both parents are happy and their DD has two homes where she can be anytime. I’d have that better than EOW to be honest as a child as it’s not enough access and feels like being a visitor.
Can you just not plan activities etc but not fix the day ie cinema visit etc this week? Understand holidays would need to be fixed.

Butchyrestingface · 17/04/2020 19:26

I think it sounds fine, both parents are happy and their DD has two homes where she can be anytime.

OP has said the child gets upset. Don't her feelings factor into this?

JeSuisPrest · 17/04/2020 19:34

It wouldn't work for me, I like to know what nights I've got free and plan accordingly, but you can plan things in advance, you just need to tell your DH "I've booked cinema tickets/restaurant for Friday night" then when the ex calls and says "Can you have DD on Wednesday, Friday, Sat and Sun this week?" he just agrees to the 3 days you can do and not the Friday when you've got other arrangements, even if she doesn't call until the day before.

Is the reason for the flexible days down to their working patterns not being set or social life?

WillYouDoTheFandango · 17/04/2020 20:03

My DS hated it when he didn’t have set days and used to ask to swap and change all the time. He’s a child who needs structure. He still sometimes asks me where he’s staying the next night etc but now at least I always know and can tell him.

Blackandgreenteas · 17/04/2020 20:06

It would piss me off, but it would be exactly the sort of thing my xh would enjoy. I’m always having to push back against attempts to “see how we feel” )I.e. see how he feels), which wouldn’t suit me or the children at all.

And we have a set contact arrangement to adhere to!

Porcupineinwaiting · 17/04/2020 20:07

It sounds fine, both parents are happy

But their dd is not. So it's not fine .

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/04/2020 20:08

We don't do set days because of my ex's work pattern but we arrange it at least a month in advance because he gets his work rota in advance. Your set up sounds chaotic.

vanillandhoney · 17/04/2020 20:09

I think it sounds fine, both parents are happy and their DD has two homes where she can be anytime.

But the DD is not happy, or is just the parents feelings that matter?

CelestialSpanking · 17/04/2020 20:27

I’m a strong believer in routine so I agree with you OP. The parents might be happy but it doesn’t sound like their child is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2020 20:32

DSD is always asking where she is staying that night and theres been times before where I've had to say I don't know when she's asked me. It's so unsettling for her but no one seems bothered.

This is not OK.

nellythenarwhal · 17/04/2020 20:34

My kids would hate this and were much happier when we announced a routine. Planning stuff must be really hard and sometimes adults want to do child-free stuff.

HillAreas · 17/04/2020 20:36

This is a horrible way for the poor girl to grow up. Her parents are being very selfish and stupid. They are doing what suits them when anybody with more than one functioning brain cell knows that children need structure and routine in order to feel safe and secure.

This is not rocket science and it is absolutely not “fine” despite IceCreams little declaration

TriangleBingoBongo · 17/04/2020 20:36

Sounds like a nightmare. My DH used to arrange it about two weeks in advance and that was a nightmare. You’d get a wedding invite and never know if you could attend.

Plus it meant DSS Mum would book holidays/weekends away and just announce that DH would need to DSS, which sounds reasonable but often mean we then couldn’t plan as we’d end up double booking or anything we had planned we then had to forego to have DSS when Mum went away away, it was generally atleast once a month too.

Now much prefer knowing what we’re doing and having a repeat set in my calendar. Can quickly ascertain if we’ll have DSS when planning.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 17/04/2020 21:00

So basically DSD's mum picks when she wants free childcare, DH is too laid back to ever say no, and everyone is playing to her tune?
Yeeesh I could not live like that but you'll have a heck of a time trying to change it.

Cheesepleas3 · 17/04/2020 21:04

We cannot plan anything. Which isn't so bad now but in the past it's been a real problem, having to cancel plans at the drop of a hat etc...

Can totally relate to this, DP had his son every weekend when he was younger but often if his mum had made plans she would drop DSS off totally last minute, often not even contacting to see if it was OK (partner worked shifts during the week so was no guarantee he'd even be home). Unfair on child, and from my perspective started to form cracks in relationship with DP and I due to canceling so many plans etc. So I definitely agree it's a set up that should have as much structure as possible, for everyone involved.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/04/2020 21:05

I think it depends on what the daughter wants. Have you talked to her and asked her if she would rather have set days? What happens if you've booked something with your husband and then her mum calls to ask you to have her? If the daughter is unhappy I'd try and speak to her dad. I'd also book things in and then continue with them with a friend or something if plans change

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