My sense of inferiority

[EugenieGreen]

I don’t know where to start. I have a happy marriage and nice kids. I have always got on with my in-laws. My husband’s relationship with his brother however, is conducted kind of separately from the rest of us.
I don’t think BiL would have an opinion about me, it’s not dislike but indifference. I would like to be closer and I do get annoyed that he shows no interest in our children. Generally I would be ok with this but I have a crippling sense of inferiority about his wife.

I know that my mother-in-law is very proud of the fact that he married a doctor and as a result I feel inferior. My husband and I received a formal invitation to his wedding and he was best man. There was no mention of our children and details of the wedding weren’t discussed.

BiL asked DH to come for lunch to discuss wedding and DH thought I was invited. When we turned up the lunch was just for the people who had roles in the wedding. I offered to leave but SiL was gracious, I sat silently and listened. The Matron of Honour was given instructions about bride’s niece who was flower girl. I said nothing.

After the lunch MiL asked me if my kids had roles and I said they hadn’t been discussed and weren’t on invitation. BiL then asked DH if my mother would like to bring them for photos.

As the years have gone on I have tried to invite them over and when they come they are friendly but invitations are never reciprocated. They have more money and their kids have different experiences and excel in things so naturally my MiL is really proud.

My sense of inferiority is compounded by the fact I am a nurse in the same hospital where she is a doctor. We are in completely different units and I am PT so I see her very occasionally.

I get this is all in my head but it really upsets me and affects other areas in my life.

I can’t tell my friends that I feel inferior to my SiL. DH constantly asks me why I am bothered.

God this is long.

You need to stop giving this so much headspace. There will always be people who have a better paid job, have a bigger house, etc etc. If they are so snobby that they don't want to be closer to you because they consider themselves somehow above you, do you really think they are worth your time? I mean, really? Think about it. Focus on being a good person and making yourself proud and if you're not happy with some aspect of your own life, address it.

It sounds painful and disappointing op - It’s hurtful to be left out of family matters (be them joyous occasions or something more serious) for no reason. However, things aren’t always what they seem and it sounds to me like they’re not worth your time if they can’t be bothered with you. However, invite them round on occasion if you wish - then your conscience is clear, but expect nothing in return - it’ll only lead to further disappointment.
Hold your head high in the knowledge that YOU are an educated woman with a beautiful family of your very own and let them crack on.

She's probably just happily living her life and not really thinking much about you. Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent so stop consenting. Focus more on your own life and what makes you happy

Stop inviting them. Leave it to your husband. If he wants to invite them, let him do it and be polite but don’t go out of your way to see them, especially if your kids are not too close to their cousins either.
They obviously don’t care about you, so why should you care about them?

What does your DH say about it all? Especially the wedding business?

Did he not talk about it with his brother due to having to organise childcare?

To be honest, I don't really understand this. You didn't have a specific role in the wedding but when there was a misunderstanding and you turned up at the planning event, everyone was gracious and kind.

Your children didn't have a role, which might be seen as slightly disappointing but you say BIL doesn't really have a relationship with them. Perhaps SIL has a better relationship with her nieces and nephews.

BIL asked the children to be included in the photos - were they excluded from the rest of he wedding? If so, but they still wanted them in photos, I'd see that as quite nice. If 400 OTHER children were at the wedding and yours were not invited, that's different. Also, why didn't your DH just ask about the kids?

You invite them over which is nice and you say they visit which is nice. They don't recipricate. That's the only thing on your list that is a real negative about SIL. But do you know if they are entertaining every weekend and only you don't get invited? In 15 years with DH, we have been invited over properly for a meal at SIL a grand total of 4 times - three of those were for her DC's birthdays. But she isn't inviting anyone else either - it's just not something they do. I used to find it annoying but am over it now.

The doctor hospital thing is completely ridiculous. Sorry, I know you can't help how you feel but seriously, you need to. Unless she's the kind of doctor who is rude and unpleasant to nurses and puts you and your colleagues down, please just accept you have different jobs and different professional roles and that's how it is.

There's nothing in your post that suggests your SIL has ever been unpleasant to you or that MIL is either. So please, try to get over this.

I agree with Shoxfordian - it sounds as though your family simply doesn't feature much in their day-to-day thoughts.

If you and your children enjoy having them as visitors, carry on with the invitations, but if it's not bringing pleasure then let them tail off.

As a pp said, we could all find people to compare ourselves to negatively - it's just harder when those people are part of your own family. Your SIL has a better paid job, but it doesn't mean she's happier than you - she might wish she could spend more time with her family and envy your part time hours, for example.

Two things - clichés but true nonetheless:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

The only person who can make you feel inferior is yourself.

Many of my family members work in the NHS, that includes doctors and nurses. I suspect the root of this is that doctors are put on such a pedestal in society and this is doubly ingrained when you actually work in the NHS day in day out.

I think doctors themselves suffer from this image and can be a strange bunch who have a facade unless with other doctors. I include my own family members in this generalisation.

My friend is a top lawyer and took her ds to a child's party once, a doctor's child. Most of the other parents were doctors and dentists and she was completely ignored despite trying to make conversation.

I stress I'm generalising and no doubt there are lots of lovely doctors on Mumsnet

I actually understand op ...I’m a stay at home mum ,because 2 of my dc have autism and haven’t had a school place For years ( long story).
Sil x2 have amazing jobs with kids at private schools .
I have to try very hard not to be jealous,and it’s hard ,but it’s not the sil dc fault that my dc have autism .
And they are lovely nieces and nephews,I don’t begrudge them their lovely life ,I’m just wistful ,and wish mine had the same
I could list you so many incidents where my dh me and our dc are left out of things ,and I do worry they find me boring because I’m at home with dc not in school .
What can you do ? Nothing just carry on trying to be the best person you can be .
A nurse is a wonderful job ,you must be so proud of yourself op .you have achieved a huge amount to be a nurse .i bet your dh and parents are immensely proud of you xx

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say I understand how you feel - I would feel / do feel the same so you are not alone.

Although, being a nurse is such a wonderful, worthwhile job - I would be very proud!

To be honest OP, I think this says more about your MIL's inferiority if she's proud her son married a doctor. I may be projecting here so bear with me!

My Dad is just like that. My Brother and I both have distinctly average jobs (I'm a nurse!). My Brother married a woman who comes from a distinctly average working class background, and does the same job as my brother (they met when they trained together).

I on the other hand ended up with a guy who has a string of impressive academic achievements, and a good job.

My Dad is weirdly proud of this. My partner could do no wrong. He could beat me (he doesn't!) and my Dad would no doubt urge me to stay with him because he's so clever and has an impressive job. My SIL on the other hand, was treated with suspicion, and it took years for her to be truly accepted by my Dad. It doesn't matter that she loves my Brother very much, gave him 3 lovely children and has supported him through tough times.

The reason for this is simply that my Dad is a knob.

Please don't feel inferior. I'm just a Band 6 nurse but my partner has immense respect for what I do, and I'm sure you have so much to be proud of.

She’s a doctor and has children, she’s probably too busy to invite people over. Either that or worried that her house is too messy.
Try not to think about it, lots of people don’t see much of their in-laws.

You know what I am going to do my best to try and follow everyone’s advice and when all this is over I think if it hasn’t worked I will pay for a bit of NLP/CBT.

If I was reading this from someone else I would think they were pathetic.

@PapayaCoconut I very much doubt she is a snob but @Shoxfordian and @Pelleas I think it is that we don’t feature in her life so she never thinks of us. My MiL will cook or the cousin will have a BBQ and SiL will just not turn up. She will use the opportunity of BiL and kids being out to do her own thing. The disappointment is palpable but I fume and it annoys me for days.

I invited my own brothers’ in-laws to my wedding and I had DH’s cousin’s daughter as a flower girl. My own children especially my daughter who was 4 didn’t enter their consciousness when they got married. The photo business was just to placate MiL. My husband was annoyed and MiL was really upset but they both went unchallenged and I left them with my mother.

DH and BiL have a little business on side so see each other all the time. I am embarrassed about how I feel. When the kids were younger I would have a lie in on Saturdays he would take kids to swimming etc and inevitably go to MiL’s for a bit of lunch or a pub lunch. I was fine with this ... it was almost the highlight of my week but then I learnt SiL was there sometimes so I would get up and go too. I was desperate for her attention.
Her kids are lovely but don’t have anything in common with mine and even their 8 year old makes polite conversation with them as if it is a duty.
I am working extra shifts now and when this is over will really sort myself out and put the advice into practice. I haven’t even seen her since New Years Day. I have no idea why I have allowed this to happen.

Were you brought up to think family had to do lots all together and with lots of extended family?

Do you all live near each other? I'm a few hundred miles from my inlaws so when we visit, we necessarily see everyone and join in but if we didn't then I'd definitely let my husband go visit on his own and read a book.

I'm not close with my sil, she isn't someone I'd ever befriend and we're not similar people. I don't dislike her but I'm not her friend. I don't feel sad not to see her and I certainly wouldn't make a particular effort to do so. Really it's just coincidence she married my husband's brother, doesn't mean I have any obligation towards her.

I don't think you're pathetic but you do need to take a step back from this and look at the good things in your own life. Develop more of your own friends and interests.

This is about you, not them and it sounds like it's time to be very honest with yourself about where the roots of your feelings of inferiority were laid down; these feelings don't come from nowhere and they develop over time. If you are struggling with this then get some help exploring it. I wish you the very best and remember that a 'better' job, is not the same as a better person; two different things entirely.