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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL and Coronavirus

22 replies

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 01:47

I don't think I am being but I'm getting heartily sick of my MIL trying to place a guilt trip on my DP for not being able to come round. She keeps making noises about how she sees SIL everyday and takes her shopping and see the DGC.
This is in the same breath as her worrying as a few of her neighbours have died from Covid.
I also have been told that I have Covid19 and as much as I dislike her at times, I do not want to risk her or FIL's health.
They are both late 60's (68/69) so don't think they're at risk due to "not being 70".

So AIBU for refusing to allow them round or not?
DP has kept reinforcing that they're not allowed round but I feel like she's trying to make me out that I'm stopping her from seeing her son.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 17/04/2020 01:51

Tell him to face time.

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 01:54

I have but she's not interested. She has kept increasing the demands recently. She was very demanding pre-lockdown so I think she's just trying to increase her demands.

OP posts:

browzingss · 17/04/2020 01:57

So you likely have covid, she’s 68/69 and insists on coming around? She’s strange

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 02:01

I just don't think she's taking it seriously. I didn't see her for quite a long time last year due to her behaviour so part of me wonders whether she thinks I'm using it as an excuse for her not to come round. I it was an excuse. I feel bloody awful and am now on day 35.

OP posts:

JollyJlly · 17/04/2020 03:24

She’s not part of your household. End of. Therefore you do not see them or allow them in. That’s government guidance. SIL is breaking the lockdown by taking her shopping as they are (I assume) not from the same household. This is why the lockdown will keep being extended. Fuckwits in my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 03:53

@jollyjilly my thoughts exactly. Also, it's not SIL taking MIL shopping it's the other way round. They're very codependent and won't go shopping/holiday (even job interviews) without the other. Neither MIL nor SIL are vulnerable. They're just carrying on as normal. Meanwhile I'm still awake as can't breathe properly.

OP posts:

Deelish75 · 17/04/2020 06:10

She sounds very manipulative. I'd ignore her. It sounds as though your DP is on the same page as you regarding mixing households, so I'd carry on letting him deal with her and you focus on getting better.

ClutterbuckFarm · 17/04/2020 06:21

Your SIL brings your MIL to job interviews ?

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:32

I would just say sorry, as much as we would love to see you, things at the moment are really tough, but as soon as it's a over.things will go back to normal then your son will be over and so on. Sont be rude just be factual

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:32

Dont

Hmmmm88 · 17/04/2020 06:42

People like your MIL is what's wrong with the country at the minute. So bloody selfish and only think about themselves. The rest of us who are adhering to the rules would like to see our families at some point too. Stay at home in your own home with your own families do not have visitors it's really quite simple to follow.

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2020 06:48

They go to job interviews together? Wow.

Yanbu and it sounds like your dh has the right idea too

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2020 06:48

Your mil and SIL have a very abnormal relationship. In my experience, this is led by a parent giving messages their child is in some way incapable and refusing to let go. Perhaps seeking narcissistic supply. The adult child then becomes dependent.

Your mil sounds really pissed off, perhaps it is because she sees your presence as a gatekeeper and ensuring she cannot control her ds. “Sorry MIL if you feel I’m stopping you seeing dh. I may have this deadly virus and am just trying not to kill you. Stay safe, A”

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 07:52

In regard to the job interview, she used to go with SIL. She hasn't for a while now as SIL became a SAHP. I think it's one of reasons we've butted heads. Due to my upbringing, I have always been independent. I don't think she's used to not being needed (she cried when DP left home and moved in with me in his mid 20's despite him only moving 20 minutes away).
She is manipulative and I think, narcissistic, hence why we didn't see each other for much of last year.
I would love to see my family but haven't for a while and I won't until it is safe to do so.

I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone and yet she seems to be so flippant about it.
My DP is fully with me about them not coming round.
Is it a relief not seeing her? Yes but I'd rather not have this situation going on.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2020 08:00

Atm you have breathing space. Now is at good time to create boundaries and communicate them when lockdown is over.

MinecraftMother · 17/04/2020 08:13

Your in-laws are the 10% my husband keeps telling me about.

He's a bio-med engineer and spends more time than I'd like with viruses.

I've seen him hopping mad at the amount of people who aren't taking notice of the rules - if we all stopped, the virus would die out.

It does not move. We move it.

But in every wide-scale plan like this they have to account for the stupid 10% and that is why the rest of us have to stick to the rules so rigorously. Because of the stupid 10%...

CaffiSaliMali · 17/04/2020 08:14

Go with Mummyoflittledragon's response OP.

Your MIL is being very naive. There are lots of younger people and people younger than her in hospital with this virus, my colleague is one of them - has been receiving oxygen.

This is a very serious virus.

MeridianB · 17/04/2020 08:18

Can your DP just repeat the rules to her every time she asks and then ask her why she thinks they don’t apply to her?

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 08:21

@MinecraftMother I agree. DP works as a medical researcher so fully understands the importance of social distancing etc.
I had a close family member's birthday last weekend and I would have loved to have seen them. However, my wants do not come above the safety and wellbeing of others. I don't think she understands that we need to think of each other. I think she was put out that I didn't want them to come round the weekend prior to the official lockdown. I was already showing symptoms and did not want to put them at risk. I felt dreadfully guilty as I'm quite used to being ill but hated the thought of somehow harming others.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 17/04/2020 08:22

@Andromeida59 take a video of you struggling to breath and send it to her. If you still look even a bit healthy then ensure you wear no make up, mess up your hair.

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 17/04/2020 08:27

@CaffiSaliMali I hope your colleague recovers quickly .
She just doesn't really think that the rules should apply to her or her DD/DGC. She also accused me of overreacting back in early February as we had started buying a few extras due to the potential lockdown. Due to DP's speciality he was insistent that we prepare.

I think this situation is showing just how much she isn't needed. Plus she drives DP nuts with her behaviour at times so maybe she is feeling insecure.

OP posts:

Deelish75 · 17/04/2020 08:46

I have a manipulative, possibly narcissistic relative so I understand how draining it is, especially when they SEEM to understand why you are saying/doing and then try to push back against it - it's headfuck!
But you are doing the right thing (according to a YOUGOV poll last night) 90% of the British population are in agreement with it and if she does moan to anyone and make out that you're the bogeywoman they hopefully will see her for the selfish woman that she actually is.

Keep ignoring her and get well soon

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