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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use lockdown to plan to leave him?

16 replies

Daisypop89 · 15/04/2020 18:01

What it says on the tin really. I am quite sure that a separation is inevitable. We are not married, have two DDs (3.5 years old and 7 months old). I do imagine it will be some months before things can fully return to normal all over the country.

Is it awful of me to be living with him 24/7 and (attempting) to operate as a normal, loving family when all the while, in actual fact, I want out?

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/04/2020 18:37

You’re not happy

If you can make it out and on your own and want a better home life for you and your kids, then you owe it to yourself to look into it and plan to the best of your abilities

You won’t be alone in splitting

The divorce rate will go through the roof after all this is over.

ArntNise · 15/04/2020 18:54

You are sensible to get all the information you need - bank statements, proof of earnings, savings etc collated now. You can be "spring cleaning" to gather your information.

Is he aware of how you feel? What is a "loving family"? Are you still intimate?
How sure are you that you want out?

CheshireDing · 15/04/2020 18:59

If you definitely want out then don’t tell him whilst you are in lockdown together, he will make your life unbearable.

As you have said and others, get your paperwork and finances in order now so you are ready as soon as it’s possible.

If that is definitely a he road you want to go down.

Original poster
Daisypop89 · 16/04/2020 09:15

I wouldn't tell him while we are in lockdown, obviously that would make things very difficult for everyone. I just cannot imagine being in this relationship for the rest of my life. I have so much more to give, I used to be bubbly, have a wicked sense of humour, lots of friends. Since I met him, one by one, all of the things I enjoyed about myself and my life have completely disappeared.
It's got to the point where I feel that, once I had a good routine in place, good balance between work and home, some help from my family etc., I would actually be so much happier without him.

OP posts:
clareOclareO · 16/04/2020 09:21

Be honest, when you say "you want out" do you mean you want him out? Or do you really mean you are going to move out and leave the kids with him?

Original poster
Daisypop89 · 16/04/2020 10:56

He would be the one to leave. I would never leave my children.

OP posts:
Hagisonthehill · 16/04/2020 11:01

Plan away,though it sounds as if you have given it thought already.
Do you rent or own as that will be the first and biggest issue as you're not married as sound as if you have a job.
But finding the person you used to be and being happy is good for you and your children.All the best.Flowers

Myohmy111 · 16/04/2020 11:10

Sounds like a tough position to be in. But it’ll also be tough for him not being the one to choose to end the relationship but being expected to leave the family home. Is the home in your name only, OP?

BeNiceToYourSister · 16/04/2020 11:12

He would be the one to leave.

With respect, are you sure about this? What if he wants to fight for custody? Not saying you shouldn’t leave a relationship you’re unhappy in, of course, just think it’s worth considering this (my cousin is going through something similar so it’s on my mind!)

Original poster
Daisypop89 · 16/04/2020 11:54

We own our home. He is the higher earner, and I am on maternity leave since June. I've expressed my feelings on multiple occasions that I thought the relationship needed a lot of work, that I wasn't happy. He just isn't a great person, to be honest. Still acts like a teenager with no responsibilities when in actual fact he is responsible for a lot, including supporting us while I am on leave. He has no family here and it would be incredibly lonely for him if we were to split, I think this is one of the reasons I have stayed with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypop89 · 16/04/2020 11:56

He wouldn't fight for custody. The thought of looking after two kids all the time would likely make his anus shoot up into his throat. He's one of "those" types.

OP posts:
Myohmy111 · 16/04/2020 12:08

So you couldn’t make him leave then, as he has every right to be there as you do.

UnfinishedSymphon · 16/04/2020 12:11

Myohmy111 how about offering OP some support instead of telling her what she can't do?

Original poster
Daisypop89 · 16/04/2020 12:19

He is aware that he would be the one to leave if it ended. He agrees that it would make more sense. My parents gifted us money for the deposit on this home, which we were very fortunate to get.

OP posts:
Hagisonthehill · 16/04/2020 12:24

Working out how you would manage financially.Is there much equity in the house?You can work out on CMS calculator how much you would get in child maintinance.
You will have plenty of planning time as the freedom of movement won't be back for a while and there is a lot of financial instability about.

Myohmy111 · 16/04/2020 12:29

Upfiinished I was giving the OP advice, though it may not have been the advice you approved of.

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