Is the issue with me or him?!

[ER123]

Hi,

Right, where do begin?!

I’ll start with the issue.. my partner and I are not having sex as much as we used to, not even close to what we had before but we’re still doing it once a week (which I think is fairly reasonable) but we used to do it at least 3 times a week, even after our little one’s arrival, who is now 2.

The reason for the lack of (or less) sex is definitely me. I’ve been getting worse over the last year or so and I have admitted to him that I am feeling a bit uptight when it comes to sex and just can’t relax and it’s all started when I had to have treatment for grade 2 CIN cells after they found abnormal cells from a smear then colposcopy so I couldn’t have sex for a month after the treatment and I couldn’t use tampons until the 2nd period after the treatment and I just don’t feel the same since, I used to always wear tampons previously and never pads and now I’m the other way round! I just don’t feel comfortable wearing a tampon anymore.

But am I being unreasonable or is my partner? Because on top of the above another thing which is affecting me at the moment is I am feeling slightly down and not myself, we have quite a lot going on at the moment; we have started legal action against the company who we bought our new build off because basically it’s not even built to what is required by building regs, although it has passed, but we’ve had contractors in and out of our house from day 1 up until about a year later which severely affected my little one’s routine, who was only 6 months at the time. And I did feel a bit of anger and blame towards my partner at the time because I didn’t want to buy the house and I warned him about the contractor who built the house because I knew he was bad because my Grandmother had hired him before and had to get someone else in after him so they lost a lot of money! But he wasn’t happy when I was telling him to really think about it bla bla and so I did go along with it to keep him happy (sometimes you do make sacrifices in relationships don’t you) m, and it was a nice house but yeah so we’re in a really bad place with all that.
And on top of all this that has been going on I am also a working mother who is also studying a Law Degree through the OU so I am a fairly busy person, I had a bad relationship growing up with my mother so I try and be as hands on with my daughter as possible so I am also tired at night sometimes.
Now another issue is the fact that my partner will sometimes talk about sex or wanting to do this and that to me in front of our daughter, ok so she doesn’t understand, but I just think it’s inappropriate? He’s not a bad person at all but I just feel he’s more into us like we used to be and not us as a family if you know what I mean? And I do get angry and upset when he does it sometimes which probably makes him feel like I’m not the same person anymore, but I try and explain that it’s fine to talk like that when our daughter has gone to bed, just not when she’s around! And fair play he has stopped doing this but he would like us to be as adventurous as we used to be and it’s just not possible, not as much as we used to be anyway! And I try and explain that when I get better mentally that we should be back to how we were pre-all this crap, which would be having sex more, but I’m just not there at the moment.

Am I unreasonable and should I try and get over my feelings or does my partner need to realise that sometimes things happen which might affect our sex life or make us not as adventurous anymore. I mean I know some of my friends don’t have sex even once a week! One even told me since they had their little one they’d only had sex twice in about a year! And I just don’t see her partner reacting the way mine does and it just makes me even more upset in my relationship. Basically if I say no to him wanting to put it up the other way he reacts like “oh what, but I wanted to do it again” or whatever, not in a bad way at all but it just makes me feel like even more of a failure and it does make me feel pressured although he isn’t personally pressuring me. Is this all my issue? Am I the unreasonable one?

Sorry about the long and mixed up post! I’m just at my wits end and need some guidance!

You sound like you’re going through a stressful time. Sounds normal that your sex drive would disappear. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t need to have sex. Don’t let any coerce you into doing something you don’t want to.
You should never try to bury your feelings, you’ll end up having a break down.
Also, talking in detail about “what he wants to do to you” in front of a child is beyond weird.

Once a week with a two year old is more than a lot of people (me included). If you are uncomfortable you don't have to have sex that often, or even at all. Obviously if you are worried then you could speak to your doctor. I had the tampon thing too after giving birth.

His behaviour is off and using sexualised language in front of your child it not ok. If somebody has to explain that their partner is a nice person really after describing something grim that they do it normally means they're not actually a nice person at all.

i don't really like the sound of your dh tbh, it's off talking about your love life in front of your child, hardly makes you want to get it on, then throw the rest of the stress into the mix.

I’m glad it’s not wrong of me to be feeling like this, really helps me feel a bit better.

It’s definitely so inappropriate to talk about our sex life in front of our child and I am so glad that he has finally realised that and has stopped it.

It is definitely a turn off for me too the way he talks about these things and isn’t too happy if I say that I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable enough again to do something that a lot of people refuse to ever do, I keep trying to say that he’s lucky that he has done some things other couples don’t do so to be grateful but he just doesn’t see it that way, he’s not forceful at all but I suppose he indirectly pressures me because I feel like a failure if I can’t satisfy his needs and to be honest I did tell him last night that I understand things aren’t how they used to be and I understand my flaws and that I am trying my best to overcome this ‘uptightness’ about me but if he isn’t happy with how things are then he needs to leave and find someone else because I can’t prioritise his needs as much as he likes and I also told him the more he spoke like that the less I want him. He does feel guilty afterwards and he does apologise but I hate that it has to get to that. I mean sometimes when he initiates it say I’ll tell him I’m too tired because its almost midnight and way too late for sex in my eyes (!!) he’ll ask then if I can w*k him! And it’s just like he doesn’t get what tired is!!! I wouldn’t blame him if we never did anything but the fact that it does happen once a week I think should be enough for now until I feel more comfortable, if I ever do!

He isn’t a bad guy at all, it sounds so doesn’t it, it really does but he is nice and would never hurt me, and he is an amazing father, but I guess he is very, very selfish and doesn’t consider my feelings a priority at all times and doesn’t consider our daughters little ears listening to every word he says.
What pisses me off even more though is that he acts like I deprive him of attention, which I don’t, yes before our daughter I would be very touchy feely and I’d happily give him the cuddles he needs bla bla but now not so much and he makes me feel so bad sometimes when he says that I never give him attention and hug him or kiss him that much but I have a child who actually really does require all that and he can have his attention when she has gone to bed but it’s just never enough. I think he was too spoilt before and where I have grown into a mother (and still his partner, haven’t stopped showing him love) where I think he is still in the mindset of being in a relationship without a child, even though he is a good dad.

i couldn't be with this guy after reading your last op. he's actting like a sulky child whosenot getting enough attention from his mum.
wank him off when you're tired ? this would be a major turn off hand him some tissues doesn't like it ? tough.

I know it’s so insane. It’s worse because otherwise he’s completely fine (except lazy when it comes to cleaning and cooking 🙄) but this part of him really bugs me and I just don’t think it’s acceptable, yes I am still his partner and I should act like that but most importantly I am a mother so I will always gravitate to that title first, partners will always be in each others lives (for as long as they want to!) but children grow so it’s so important for me to be the best mother to my daughter.

You’d think we’d be a young couple considering how sex mad he is but we’re in our early thirties!! Hopefully we can have serious chat and tweak some things because we are good together most of the time and only bicker when he is being inappropriate. We’ve always said if things do get bad then we’d always see a therapist before calling it quits so if he carries on let’s hope hearing a professional telling him how wrong it is will make him realise and stop!

I feel a lot better having been able to say this out to someone else, it’s such a strange thing that I wouldn’t even feel comfortable sharing with my closest friends so I’m glad that I’ve come here and thankful for your replies so at least I know that I’m not the unreasonable one!