Boyfriend not being understanding about my unemployment

[ston]

I (23F) work for the Post Office as a key worker in the supply chain. My contract means that the Post Office can state how much hours a week they want me to work. I have been working full time 35 hours a week there since July 2019. However, with everything going on this week there is hardly any work so I have been told I might have to not work for weeks until all is back to normal. This means I will not have any income.

I am quite sad about this as I am trying to save money for driving lessons, a car, house so I can move out etc..

I expressed to my boyfriend that I was upset about not being able to earn money. He said that i am in a good position compared to most people

I am sorry this has happened to you.
Have a look at Martin Lewis's website, it might be helpful with your zero hours.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2020/03/coronavirus-self-employed-and-employment-help/

The important part us here re furlough pay, it sounds like you should get it.
How is 80% of my salary calculated?
The amount the Government will pay will be 80% of your usual pre-tax monthly salary, as it was on 28 February 2020.

My pay goes up and down. If your pay varies from month to month – for example, because you're employed on a 'zero-hour' contract – the 80% will be calculated based the higher of:

• Your earnings in the same month of the previous year.
• OR your average monthly earnings from the 2019/20 tax year.

I get you OP, you’re not stupid, you know many people around the world have it worse but that’s not the point here. He’s supposed to be your champion and be loyal to you.

If this had happened to me I’d expect my DH to allow me to have a little pity party and say ‘oh no that’s so fucking shit, the shitheads!’. I’d feel he was on my team rather than trying to get me to ignore my unhappiness because others have it worse.

I’m not saying your boyfriend is like this but I also think some people do all that ‘chin up worse things happen at sea’ shit because they can’t deal with the negativity or lack empathy when others are down. They try to play down the issue so they don’t have to be there for them or supportive through a hard time as it frustrates them. They just want the jolly person back ASAP as it’s easier.

You’re allowed to be a bit down. People are dying everyday and not just from Covid. My BFFs mother died from Covid -19, 3 weeks ago but she still empathised when a good friends hours were cut last week because of the financial burden it will put on the family. It’s not a competition where nobody is allowed to be upset unless they are on a ventilator about to die.

If you’d lost your job 6 months ago would anybody be saying ‘stop moaning, people are dying and losing their homes!!’ Probably not.

In depends what he said, if it was ‘ oh sorry OP that’s really crap. I guess on the plus side at least we’re all healthy and you haven’t completely lost your job like some people, fingers crossed you’ll be working again soon’ that seems fine, if he said
‘Oh for goodness sake OP don’t be so ridiculous, people are dying and you’re whinging about this?’ then that would be crap

I agree about checking if you are entitled to furlough as DD works in a similar environment and those on low contract hours are receiving 80% of an average week (not sure the qualifying period).

I get that it is shit that you have no income I have 2 DD similar in age to you, 1 is furloughed and so is OK the other has no income as has just finished uni and all her usual work has dried up. Whilst she knows that she is fortunate to be able to live at home and that we will support her, it still means that she has no income and her plans for the next 12 months have been out on hold.
Her boyfriend and us understand her feelings.

In general this pandemic is changing everything for everyone in some way and we should all be being kinder to one another and showing support, not having a competition as to who is suffering the most.

You're right to feel down at your situation. Keep talking to him and get him to understand your pain without belittling you. That's a form of abuse.

It is disappointing when you don't get any sympathy. Losing your job is a big deal, even when other things are going on. There's always someone worse off in any situation, so it means you'd never get any sympathy or empathy if you played those rules.

He may be someone who needs to have it explained to him what you expect from him. My DH is a fixer, like PP explained. I don't want suggestions. I usually know most of the options. I agree it's because they don't want to sit in the discomfort of feeling bad on your behalf.

Unless you're always wallowing in negativity, you should get some sympathy from him. My Dh can be like that, he'll do worst case scenarios for everything and sometimes I'll say I just don't want to hear it, as I prefer to keep a positive attitude. But if you're usually positive about stuff, it's perfectly reasonable to have someone support you when you're down. But just tell him, calmly and assertively, what you need from him.

@drunkyhumptydumpty @Ellisandra

I completely understand where you’re coming from. In all honestly I just wanted him to acknowledge the situation was upsetting and annoying for me. I feel like he just went straight to sort of brushing it off like it was nothing and did not effect me. I said I want to earn money and he said doesn’t everyone..

your boyfriend doesn't have much empathy, does he? Is he usually like this or is he extra stressed because of the circumstances?

In any case, it is not unreasonable for you to be upset at the situation and it's not difficult for him to make you a cup of tea and express a bit of understanding.

For people doing the "people have died" schtick. Look up The Fallacy of Relative Privation which boils down to: it is not unreasonable for people to feel that they have it bad even while knowing other people have it worse. If you follow the "other people have it worse" line to its logical conclusion there is only ever one person on the planet who can complain, that is the person who has it worst of all. Which is absolutely ridiculous.

It's shitty, OP, and I'm sorry for your situation.

@Di11y @JustLookingThanks

Thanks for the furlough suggestions - I never even thought this was an option. The problem is that the company haven’t furloughed a single employee yet and my case is quite unique. I feel that this will mean they don’t consider it a big deal. I will try to ask though!

What is your boyfriend's situation? Is he still working?

It would suggest by your move out comment that you are living back with your parents so maybe he sees this as a good thing, that you aren't worried about paying rent/mortgage and losing your home.

It also depends if this was in response to the first comment you have made about not earning or whether it was the 15th.

It is shit, maybe now is a good time to look at what you want to do job wise. Is it working at the post office or using your degree? Obviously it will depend on what happens after covid, but use this time well.

Your BF does not sound supportive of you. I would reconsider the relationship. In a partnership people would normally support each other, have sympathy with their partner's situation. If he cannot or will not do this then what is the point?

your boyfriend should be more supportive

Why, if she wanted 100% support she should have a Labrador.

I voted YABU. I understand why you’d be disappointed, but you’re living at home and saving for a car and house. That’s very different from people living independently and needing money to survive - pay the rent, buy food.

Also, from what you say, it sounds like your job was somewhat ‘unofficial/temporary’ with the possibility of being made official/permanent at a later date. Yes, that must be disappointing for you. A similar thing happened to me leaving uni but I was living 300 miles away from my family and paying rent and food.

Perhaps your boyfriend could have been more sympathetic or perhaps you were being over-dramatic - or more likely a bit of both.

Losing income is a valid worry to have in a world where everything needs to be purchased - I’m unsure why this is seen as something to just be ok with. There are sadly people dying and losing homes etc but that doesn’t make your own personal situation better. Sorry you’ve found yourself in a difficult position.

I hate people playing sad top trumps, so someone can't be concerned about their own job to finances because someone else has lost their job. It's almost like saying "don't say you don't like aubergine because people in Africa are starving".

It doesn't take much to offer a bit of under that this situation is difficult for people in different ways rather than going into telling people to suck it up because others have it worse.

@MontysOarlock @Elieza my boyfriend is wfh, living at home with his parents and earning over 40k.

@DianaT1969 @Mummyoflittledragon I am sort of taking a 'gap year' if you will. I have been working at this job to save money to go travelling but also to have driving lessons and get a car etc. I had been applying for graduate jobs before the virus but many companies have stopped recruitment for now.

I sympathise op. In a similar position and mine told me that “oh, it’s affecting everyone.” 🙄 He still has and will continue to have full time WFH.

Similar as in no work/no income, not as in young 😃

Dear god are we only allowed to be upset over strangers dying. Yes we are all aware that people are dying in this pandemic that does not mean we lose the ability to be understanding and compassionate towards other having their lives disrupted by the same pandemic.

Get a fucking grip we are not in a competition in who has it worse. A lot of people are going to be in the OP situation in the coming weeks, months to come.

OP I'm sorry you have lost your job, hopefully you will be back working soon.

I take it you're living with your parents? If so your bf is right. You have a comfortable roof over your head and no money worries.

If you are renting then he's not very supportive as not helping you.

Is he usually supportive op or does he dismiss your feelings a lot?
If you'd lost your job before corona would he have sympathised or told you to get over it?

It's one of those that without knowing tone etc it's hard to tell if he's a total dick or just trying to be positive

If we are only allowed to feel concerned and sad when we have it.worse than someone else. Good news, I never have to be sad again.

Op, your bf could have been more supportive. Yes, people have it worse but that doesn't mean that your situation doesn't suck.

He definetely could have been more sympathetic towards your situation. Just because others have it worse, does not mean that this can't affect you as well. If that were the case then most people in the world shouldn't ever feel bad about anything, since there are parts of the world that have travesties we can't even imagine..

It either seems like he is the glad half full type of person or from your update about his current situation; he could also just be completely oblivious to the situation many people face financialy.

My two cents... You should be ble to feel down and upset about loosing your income and it potentially pushing back your life timeline.
However, I hope that it will motivate you even more once you get back to our new "normal". Good luck!

Honestly he sounds a bit thick, like he has no emotional intelligence or empathy. He lacks the capacity to deal with anything real, so he just wants you to paste on a smile and ignore it - as if you can't cope with real life either. There's nothing wrong with being upset at losing your job. It's not mature to gloss immediately over negative life events, it's actually quite the opposite.

Why, if she wanted 100% support she should have a Labrador.

I have a Labrador but unfortunately, in the current crisis, he is only able to offer 50% support in accordance with the 50% walks I am able to give him so that may not solve the problem.

OP I can understand you needed a bit of support but I’m sure he does care in his own way. I can be a bit like this as I am constantly telling my self how fortunate we are to have what we have whilst shitting my self at the speed the money is going out trying to keep a family of five, at home all day, (plus the Labrador) fed and watered. Are your parents supportive?