Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a nosy cow?

25 replies

Rainingagaininseattle · 13/04/2020 23:24

Put this on the coronavirus thread too

One if my good friends is visiting her elderly (88 year old) mum regularly because her mum is lonely. She's going with her 16 year old daughter every time. Her daughter goes between her and her dad's house twice a week as well. Of course none of my business but I don't want her mum to get it as I'm fond of her and I've said I think she shouldn't visit and ideally her daughter should choose between houses or at least swap less often.

I know I'm being judgemental but we're (my family) in a high risk group and I can't understand how anyone can be so selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingagaininseattle · 13/04/2020 23:28

Finding it quite upsetting when she keeps telling me that she is going to see her mum

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 14/04/2020 10:01

Would you think the same if the mum lived with her? Its arguably the same situation. I think there needs to be more common sense applied to this policing of other peoples choices. Her mum is 88. Perhaps lonliness is worse than the alternative.

mrsbyers · 14/04/2020 10:21

Just focus on your own household

RishiSunakFanClub · 14/04/2020 10:24

Yes.

MoonBlood · 14/04/2020 10:26

Are they hugging, sitting on the same sofa or having a chat on the doorstep 2m apart?

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2020 10:27

Op, loneliness also kills. As a pp said, if the mum lived with them would you feel the same? That the child couldn’t visit both parents, as is permitted.

If the mum isn’t going out, which is highly likely then the risk is the same if they moved in together. This woman is 86. Her daughter is caring for her.

I’d loosen your judgey pants. Not everything is about you.

clareOclareO · 14/04/2020 10:29

YANBU. Most police forces have a form where you can report breaches of the social distancing guidelines, give them the information and let them have words if they deem it necessary.

Dustyroad63 · 14/04/2020 10:33

There are so many people on here judging other people under the guise of 'caring' it's unbelievable.
You find it upsetting? What's it to you.
Keep to your own family and let others do the same.

Jellybean27 · 14/04/2020 10:39

So what are you going to do with all the advice/opinions you get from here? Screenshot and send? Read them to her over the phone?

Probably not.

Dustyroad63 · 14/04/2020 10:39

Clareoclareo so you are advising her to report someone to the police for visiting their 88 year old mother?
Really?

TheStoic · 14/04/2020 10:42

YANBU. Most police forces have a form where you can report breaches of the social distancing guidelines, give them the information and let them have words if they deem it necessary.

Jesus Christ. Please don’t do this.

Bigbird32 · 14/04/2020 10:43

Please don't report them. There are some elderly people who would rather run the risk of infection then spend the latter years of their life lonely and depressed. It's not ideal and in other cases where people are having bbqs or socialising for fun I'm all for reporting them. But in this case I would let it go and just focus on your own household.

onanothertrain · 14/04/2020 10:45

Not sure about nosy, judgemental perhaps and certainly not acting like a friend. Her mum is 88 FGS. As for reporting to the police so they can have a wordShock. Get a grip.

Deux · 14/04/2020 10:51

The guidelines and the law make provision for providing care to someone who is vulnerable. It’s doesn’t say what this care should comprise.

I’d do the same. If they are all happy with the arrangement and have done their own risk assessment, it’s none of your business. Why not ditch the faux concern? I don’t think you’re actually concerned, you just want everyone else to be as locked down as you.

And what are you going to do once lockdown is over? You do realise it’s to slow the spread not eliminate it?

TeeBee · 14/04/2020 10:54

Minding your own business makes for a less stressful life I find.

Yewtown · 14/04/2020 10:54

Put yourself in your friends mothers shoes. She is in her late 80s, lonely and probably has hearing difficulties. My Dad is in exactly this position. He can't use FaceTime etc well due to hearing loss so drives to my house to walk around my field with the dog. He then has a cup of coffee in the garden with me following social distancing rules. It is helping him deal with intense loneliness. So report me, sometimes the risk is better than the toll on mental health

Macncheeseballs · 14/04/2020 11:29

My mum is also on her own but that's what technology is for, phone calls, facetimeand zoom. I don't see why it's ok for some people to break the rules because of loneliness

Yewtown · 14/04/2020 12:14

What use is technology if you can neither see nor hear well. That makes a huge difference to how someone on their own can cope with shielding

Malvinaa81 · 14/04/2020 12:38

Is it sometimes hard to see people not following the guidelines.

Maybe the best thing is not to have to much to do with these people, and of course, I'm sure your'e doing this, do not on any account go near them, especially the daughter who is drifting about in several households regardless.

lmcneil003 · 14/04/2020 12:44

If you don't like someone else's behaviour, make sure you don't do it yourself.

For example, if you are against gay marriage, then don't may someone of the same sex.
If you don't like her visiting her mum, make sure you don't visit your mum.
Got it?

Macncheeseballs · 14/04/2020 13:17

Gay marriage doesn't potentially harm other people. What a ridiculous comparison

WeBuiltCisCityOnSeeingSouls · 14/04/2020 13:32

She is 88.

I am on the shielding list and they make it clear these are guidelines and some people (eg less than six months to live) may not wish to follow them but make sure they are fully informed of the risks etc from their medical team.

I am definitely shielding but I am not 88. I imagine if I was I would more anxious to see my DC and DGC whilst I still could and take the chance of seeing them (as safely as I could eg them visiting but staying a distance apart, not going out myself to pose zero risk to them).

It's a risk/benefit thing. I don't have a terminal diagnosis with less than six months to live but believe me if I did , or I was 88, I would rather risk that six months being shortened and seeing my DC/DGC for possibly the last time and maybe even as much as I could.

I would be really interested if you would answer the question of whether you think your opinion is more important than mine and you would report me in these circumstances? Yes or no will do.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSeeingSouls · 14/04/2020 14:35

To clarify, from the government advice:

"Shielding is for your personal protection. It is your choice to decide whether to follow the measures we advise. Individuals who have been given a prognosis of less than 6 months to live, and some others in special circumstances, could decide not to undertake shielding. This will be a deeply personal decision. We advise calling your GP or specialist to discuss this."

I don't believe it advises your "good friend" should actually make the decision about what's best for you (and then post about it MN encouraging others to judge you if they don't agree)

Your words

"I've said I think she shouldn't visit"
"Am I being a nosy cow?"

I think you're being a nosy cow (hopefully this won't be deleted as a PA as you have asked the question). I also think you are not a good friend.

Thatbloodybear · 14/04/2020 15:15

There is a 10% chance of someone over 80 dying in any given year. Would you really see an elderly lady being grief stricken from not seeing anyone then dying anyway, of something completely unrelated.
Mind your own business, or better still support your "friend".

SuitedandBooted · 14/04/2020 15:59

She's 88 and lonely

My father passed away a few years ago, but I know that if he was still alive he would be wanting us to visit, and would be going out to shop, and visit his British Legion mates etc.

Your view of life changes when you reach that kind of age. You live in the now. You know there won't be endless "next week/month/years" to do things. Where my Dad was concerned, I don't mean he would have actually sought out death in the euthanasia/suicide sense, but he wasn't afraid of it either. He certainly didn't want to end his days incapacitated in a care home, (and luckily he didn't.)

When you are really old, death isn't the enemy anymore. My Dad knew his race was nearly run, and he wanted to enjoy it to the end.

Perhaps this lady is the same. It's her choice. Leave her and her family alone, and worry about your own instead.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread