to think it's no wonder I end up in abusive relationships?

[caradelvigna]

Mum and dad split when I was around 12. Don't really remember much of them splitting up. Don't have one memory of my parents together. I love both my parents and have a good relationship with both.

My dad cheated on my mum and I found this out from a young age (probably around 14). I found out through a third party and still to this day my parents think I don't know about it.

My mum ended up in a relationship with a highly narcissistic man who was severely abusive towards her. He was sectioned and came back to live with us afterwards. I hold a lot of resentment for being exposed to his behaviour.

My dad was subjected to severe abuse as a child and has never fully recovered from this. He is very forgiving, but has never spoken to me about his past. Again, I know bits and pieces through third parties.

When I was 15, I dated someone for 5 years. It was an unhealthy relationship. He was 2 years older than me. He had a temper and when he got angry he would punch things and scream and shout to the point of scaring me.

I left him and dated someone else briefly who cheated on me with escorts.

I then dated another man who also cheated on me with his clients.

I then met my now ex who I have a son with. We have been through court and he is such a high safeguarding risk that our son is not allowed to see him. Court ordered. I have a restraining order against him.

I have absolutely no experience whatsoever of healthy relationships. I feel like I am the issue, and I don't know why.

I was due to go on the freedom programme and was about to start face to face counselling, but lockdown happened and it's all postponed.

AIBU to think that I'm pretty doomed when it comes to relationships and that it's not normal to have such a bad track record? I've just started dating again. I THINK he is lovely but part of me is terrified he is going to abuse me. The sad thing is, I can't even talk to him about it because they advise you not to.

Thoughts?

I did put paragraphs in my original post but mn doesn't seem to like Huawei 🤦🏽‍♀️

You're not doomed

I probably wouldn't date until you've had some counselling though.

@maternityclothes I have had 6 months of counselling. I've relocated and was about to start up again.

You are only 'doomed' to end up in abusive relationships because you refuse to just stop dating, altogether, to work on the most important relationship you can have: with yourself.

It is the only way to gain the self-esteem and boundaries you need and the only way to truly be happy, you have to learn to be content with your own company and the value of relationships besides just with a man.

Until then the great likelihood is that you will go from shit to shit because your sense of self worth is so low you're unable to be happy without some guy in your life. Such neediness and desperation is like a red rag to a bull to abusive people. They're always 'lovely' at first.

@peppermintcapsules I've been single since well before my son was born 18 months ago. I happen to have met someone organically who I click with exceptionally well. I've never had that before and an not willing to let it pass me by. I am being careful and am far more aware of the red flags now.

This post is more aimed at why I fell in to previous abusive relationships as opposed to the fact that I am dating someone now.

You’re not doomed at all and when lockdown is over please chase up counselling and the freedom programme as you’ll gain so much from that.

My dad left my mum for another woman. She’s never gotten over it or forgiven him and taught my sister and I that all men are scum from an early age. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence but I ended up having 2 kids with the biggest scumbag I could find and spent years thinking that’s the best I could do 🤷‍♀️

OP,
Meant kindly but@peppermintcapsules has given you valuable advice.

She has summed it up well.

Abusers spot desperation and weakness.

Take the time to be strong and content in yourself.

But you sound as if you want a quick answer and are going to plow on.

Good luck.

Plough on.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the freedom programme online and put the lockdown time to good use.

The person I am seeing now has been a friend for years. It just happened and I wasn't seeking it out. I agree my last relationships I sought them out because I needed validation but this is not the same. It's going very slowly and I am far more aware of red flags. I'm far more empowered now having been through the court process and coming out in a good position on the other side.

@ineedabreak19 I've ready done the online one but thank you :)

You are not doomed.

Reading your post, I see so much good.

You had two parents who obviously both loved you. You have a good relationship with both of them. Yes, you discovered they were not perfect -but, to be honest, most of us discover something less-than-perfect about our parents.

It sounds as if you suffered from exposure to your mum's abusive partner, and that is horrible. And it sounds as if (though you don't say this) you are traumatised by your dad's trauma.

It is very sad. But, what strikes me reading this is that the most traumatic experiences you mention, are not your experiences. You mention your dad suffering, and that affected you. Much of the rest of what you describe is sad or unfortunate or somewhat traumatic, but it is also (sadly) quite commonplace.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't feel hurt by it. You are entitled. It is hurtful. It doesn't mean you didn't have it bad. You did.

But, reading your post, I wonder if you are almost using the idea of trauma as an excuse - and a very understandable excuse - to avoid relationships? In a way, it is easier to think that you have suffered so much you can't have a relationship, than to think you've suffered but you'll make a go of things.

Please don't convince yourself you can't have a healthy relationship. You absolutely can.

I would work on myself abusers pick.up on certain things.

Do you have a type you go for in the past, is this new guy the same sort of person as the past or is he different. None of this is your faultat all, but if a guy is similar to your exes I'd avoid.

@heresme he's polar opposite. Still I'm very weary. I think I always will be now

Be very wary, but if he makes you happy hour for it just watch out for red flags.

Op
Freedom programme
I urge you to invest time into it
The course is best , and whilst this is all going on read up on it
Please

What struck me about the first part of your post is that you say you don't remember your parents together although you were 12 when they split. And that you were 14 ( not so young) when you found out that your father had had an affair.
I think it's quite unusual that you don't remember much before the age of 12, and that you weren't aware of the reason for the separation. Or are you saying that they didn't spend time together for years leading up to the split?
Can you speak to either of them about what happened? Maybe they were trying to protect
you?

Still I'm very weary. I think I always will be now

You don't have to put up with this. Most GPs are offering telephone appointments now so if you can't see an end to your tiredness, maybe it's time to speak to someone about it.

You are aware of the pattern and changing it. Every partner bar my current one was a dsyfunctional disaster like me ATT. I tried to fix even the fecked up psycho one, others I put up with aggressive and gas lighting behaviour, cheaters.
OP there are lots of arseholes out there, you know the signs, don't blame yourself.
It is very hard to have an adult relationship when the one you leant from was fucked up.

*learnt. Read up on learnt behavior too.