I need to stop being so shouty with my kids. Any tips?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Just that. They are shouting at each other. I can hear 'me' in what they say. I'm a single parent working from home because of covid and I'm a bit tired. Any tips?

I’ve been conscious of this too OP. One tip I like is to go quiet, not loud, when you’re trying to make yourself heard - that way they’ll have to be quiet in order to hear what you’re saying. Takes a bit of perseverance but it’s worked quite well for me! One of the teachers at school seems to do this and she’s the one the kids respect the most!

How do you remind yourself to do this?!!

Just think before you speak to them and tell yourself, how can I convey what I need to without raising my voice? Say it in a calm way. They will still understand.

I’ve always reserved shouting for situations I deem either dangerous or very poor behaviour. I rarely shout because of this. I’ve always found a calm, stern voice to be more affective. Plus then when you do shout they really listen

My ds 5 told me a few weeks ago he didn't like it when I shouted.. Big reality check..

Will always hear his little voice now so am being more careful to be quiet!
Very difficult with 6 dc at home at this bloody awful time.

how old are dc?

My eldest lived in fantasy land and you had to shout to get her attention. The younger 2 don't need shouting at ofter, a stare or counting backwards usually work.

They are bored, you are trapped, unlike the 6 week holiday, we don't know the end date. Be kind to yourself.

Stop shouting?

The best one for me is focusing on what you want them to do rather than telling them off for bad behaviour.

It takes a while to break the habit of shouting "Stop jumping on the table!" to saying "Feet on the floor please"

I also had to stop myself asking multiple questions insted of reinforcing an instruction. For example "Why haven't you gotten your pyjamas on yet ?Have you seen what time it is?" What you actually want them to do gets lost in the rant.

Now I simply say "pyjamas on now" short clear instructions.

Obviously those examples are for younger ones, but the same techniques work with older kids too.

Focus on what you want to happen, rather than dwell on the negatives, and reinforce the good behaviour with praise or thanks.

I still catch myself wanting to shout about noise and mess but I try and flip it.

Good luck. It's bloody hard at the best of times.

In the past I’ve had a chat with the dc. Said along the lines of “I think we’ve all been a bit shouty. I don’t like it, when we all shout, do you? I was thinking shall we all try to not shout? We could remind each out her if we forget”.

They will definitely remind you!

I had similar when the kids were younger, had the sore throat of shame a few times due to bellowing at them. I tried pretending I was being filmed all the time for a parenting show. I also did a sticker chart for the kids and for me - theirs was around getting on with each other and mine was for not shouting. I also apologised when I shouted. “It was wrong of you to do x but it was also wrong of me for shouting.”

I was a shouty mum. The best 3 tips that helped me stopped were:

1. Pretend you're being filmed all the time.
2. stop being bothered by stuff. Think about what you're shouting about. Is is really worth losing your temper over? Almost everything isn't.
3. Make 7 postive/good humoured comments to every negative one.

take baby steps, review your behaviour constantly and give yourself credit when you get things right.

Try a deep breath before you say anything. Agree with previous poster, focus on what you want them to do, rather than what they shouldn't do. Lowering voice works too, so they have to hear you by being quiet. Calm, consistent reinforcement will get better results than just snapping and shouting.

This is very helpful. Thank you.

My 6 year old is terrible for ignoring me. It's beyond frustrating. Drives me crazy. Any tips for handling that?

I need to take some of this advice too.
I hate shouting, I'm a quietly spoken person and it feels awful to shout. But my child is really testing my patience since we've all been at home - & excessive sugar from easter chocolate really hasn't helped either.

Get close and whisper, it totally gets through to them freaks them out , they haven't a clue why mum is whispering instead of yelling.
I did it with mine a few times when I was sick of yelling. It made them take a step back. I found it worked well over the years.

My 6 year old is terrible for ignoring me. It's beyond frustrating. Drives me crazy. Any tips for handling that?

Get down to their level

Engage with what they're doing for a minute before asking something of them (if they're busy playing etc)

Use touch - a hand on a shoulder e.g.

Longer term, think about what you are giving this child in terms of a relationship. Are you spending time with them getting to know them better and having fun with them? Do they know you like and love them?

Sympathy OP. I'm also turning into Shouty Mum. Will try the whispering thing myself.

I read a book about this, can’t remember what it was sorry, but I do remember the tip to imagine someone you really respect is watching you (the author had been caught losing her shit at her kids by someone and was mortified), I find it works quite well.

My eldest was always running away in shops or on walks and I found myself shouting his name all the time, and the longer he took to come back the louder I got. It was embarrasing in crowded places. So instead I started calling him darling, sweetie or sweetheart as in "Sweetie, come on back to mummy". I found that it is very hard to shout any of those words loudly or angrily. Maybe you could start with a 'softer' word or nickname when you tell them off.

Duck tape

nambread how condescending. Just because OP has felt she's shouting a little too much in this stressful period of lockdown does not mean she needs your armchair psychology or your judgement that she's not giving her children what they need. FFS.

I recently got dramatically better with my patience/shouting issues. I have a 7yo.

For me it was about really analyzing my triggers.

I noticed that I shout the worst when there is a time pressure, e.g. trying to get somewhere at a certain time.

I had chats with myself about this and over time realized a lot of it is to do with seeming like a less than perfect, not completely holding it together mum. I really want to seem competent and calm and not a hair out of place. This is something I carry from childhood, through my own mums way of dealing with me.

So I decided to destroy that part of myself. I started to consciously relax about being late, concentrate on speaking softly and kindly under time pressure, make little jokes, stop to kiss and hug on way to car etc.

It was a great cure. I extended this to other lesser triggers- not doing homework? Loads of people dont and they are fine. He is 7 ffs. He doesn't have to be perfect. He probably needs to be sat with and helped. Another trigger is when my DC isnt "independent" enough- my mum required me to fend for myself from very early age, I was treated impatiently when I had needs of any kind. I find I shout at times when my mum will have shouted at me. Etc. Etc. Basically identifying and breaking the habits of shouting by replacing them with the opposite behavior

Thank you everyone. I think because I have 3 little ones, I'm on my own and I'm trying to work in a team where I'm the only one with kids, it all feels a bit much. It would just be nice if it wasn't always my turn. And yes, my kid's do know that I like and love them.

My eldest was always running away in shops or on walks and I found myself shouting his name all the time, and the longer he took to come back the louder I got.

That's understandable ! I would do the same!

I've been more aware too after my DC asked me to stop shouting and also asking why was I shouting. Huge wake up call and made me feel very guilty.