To not feel super excited about new baby

[bottecelli]

My first baby is due in a couple of months. Lots of people are saying how excited they are for me etc, and obviously they mean well and are being very kind. However, I don't feel really excited. I am wondering if this is not normal or if others have experienced it. It is not something one talks about or admits to. When people say 'OMG it's so exciting!!' I just sort of laugh and say 'yeah' but really I feel quite a bit of pressure and like I'm just bracing myself.

For context, I have a supportive, loving happy marriage and we have had a few struggles to get this far in my pregnancy, so it has definitely not been taken for granted. I know my DH will be a lovely Dad. I also have tokophobia which means I am deeply terrified of birth, and have been booked into a C-Section by my consultant. This fear stems from childhood neglect which I have otherwise overcome through therapy, so in my 'normal' life I am perfectly well and emotionally stable, but I just have a specific severe phobia of the actual birth. I am happy that I am being looked after by my antenatal carers though, so I don't think this fear is the reason I'm not excited about being a parent. I know the birth is going to be hard for me but that I will get through it and it's only a relatively brief moment in my life. (It's also been made worse by being pregnant and having hospital visits during Coronavirus).

The real issue / concern for me is that when I look past the birth and imagine actually having the baby here with us, I just don't feel super excited. I do know I'll love the baby to bits, and I also feel fairly confident I'll be a good Mum, as I've come through a lot with my own upbringing and as a result I'm pretty self-aware of how I'm managing emotions and how I'll help the baby to understand and manage theirs.

But I'm also massively bracing myself for this. The endless sleepless nights, the lack of time for myself, the full-time 24/7 job of being a parent, the toddler years... it looks like a massive slog to me right now- which I know it is. But for some reason I'm not able to feel excited about, or even imagine the potential good bits. I'm not ultra depressed about it, but I'm just not excited. I feel sort of neutral, in a way, as if I know it will be worth it in the end but I have 18+ years of tiresome slog to get through before I feel the benefit.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense to anyone! This baby is wanted and will be loved, more than anything. I just feel rubbish about not feeling excited. My MIL is beside herself with excitement and I worry she'll start noticing my reactions, even though I'm trying to smile and be positive. Please help! What's going on and can anyone relate to this? Please be kind!

I’ve just had my second baby and I hadn’t planned on having more than one. Pretty much felt this way all through pregnancy. Had a terrible labour with my first and so was concerned about that happening again and then didn’t enjoy the newborn stage at all and obviously with my second I knew what was coming. However now she’s arrived - labour was quick and straight forward which definitely helped - and I feel totally different. Yes I’m tired but she’s such a gorgeous little thing and the hardest stages don’t last forever - make that your mantra! This won’t last forever. I can think forward to stages I really enjoyed with my first, when their personalities start to show and they are doing funny things or when they start to show you affection spontaneously etc etc, you’ll find things about motherhood you love and things you hate too!

Get through the delivery first and then deal with what comes next. Don’t beat yourself up about any decisions you make in parenting - do what’s right for you not what others think or say you should be doing. Take each day as it comes.
You’ll be ok and if you feel your not then seek support and help. I’ve had a couple of minor Feeding issues this time round and the midwives have been brilliant, I wish I’d have used them more with my first when I didn’t feel myself. Best of luck xx

It's hard for me to feel excited about anything right now, OP, so I can't help but think it's the time we're living thru, too, that makes you feel so.

It's good not to start parenthood with expectation it will be all roses & thrills. There are deep durable rewards you'll find as you go and some difficult times.. You don't need to be excited as long as you're content.

I wasn't excited either OP. I definitely wanted to have a child but since I had no experience with babies I didn't have anything to base any excitement on.. if that makes sense.

I think this helped me though even if other people found my approach weird. My expectations were non existent and so I wasn't fazed by the lack of sleep or the brutality of establishing breastfeeding. I found that there were a lot of lovely moments which took me totally by surprise which honestly I think other mums in my NCT group missed out on because they were too full of expectations.

Just take it as it comes OP and ignore anyone who tries to pressure you to emote or get wound up about it. Good luck.

I understand how you are feeling and I didn't really come to terms with my pregnancy until my 20 week scan (which was all fine). I have a lot of anxiety due to previous losses so it's hard for me to be really excited I think until the baby arrives. That being said I haven't allowed myself to buy any baby items yet either. Everyone else around me is really excited and can't really get why I'm so meh about it all. As a previous poster said I am taking each day as it comes. You're not alone in how you feel but wishing you all the best.

Completely normal! I only felt excited now and again in the last couple of months of pregnancy and before that, it was more just sheer terror (also depression, which contributed to the terror I think).

You have a lot of additional anxiety to deal with so no wonder you’re not bouncing around with excitement. Maybe people around you are excited, but they don’t have the stress of it actually happening to them!

I think your expectations of what motherhood actually involves are perfectly reasonable and frankly I would be more worried if you thought it was going to be rainbows and butterflies (often it is, but often it’s laundry and poo). That said, i think you might be pleasantly surprised by how soon you feel the rewards

Pregnancy is an anxious time, and I don’t think many people really sail through it without a care in the world. You feel how you feel right now, in this moment, and it is what it is. It’s no reflection of how you’ll feel when baby arrives, or when they hit their first, second, third birthday etc.

Wishing you all the best

I felt quite like this in hindsight, I knew a baby was going to mean a massive change of lifestyle and I really did enjoy my pre baby life so I knew it might not be that easy or fun. I knew I wouldn't get to do the things I enjoyed and that it would be hard work. So no, I wasn't excited for it. I loved my baby, I truly did and do now. At the end everyone was like 'ohhh I bet you can't wait for them to be here!' and actually my attitude was that it's easier when there inside than when they're born so not really!

It does go v fast so if there is a stage you aren't enjoying it'll pass. It's wonderful to see them begin to develop and I have found that exciting, watching them grow.

In have tokophobia and choose sections for both my children. I could never see past the birth. They're was never any dreaming of life with baby good or bad, there was just the birth in the way like some impenetrable boulder. I've the babies were born it was wonderful and I've never regretted my decision and actually line being a mum. I totally didn't see that happening.

You're fine. Your mind is doing what it needs to in order to endure pregnancy and birth. They're will be plenty of time after the baby is born to come to terms with having a baby.

You can do this.
I'm testament to tokophobia being something that your can overcome, and it being worth it.

Ps: although the idea of being cut open conscious seemed unfathomable, I coped when I got in there and I actually have very pleasant memories now, rather the terror. And the recovery was fine as well :-)

Yep also had tokophobia (ELCS) and used to get genuinely annoyed with people getting excited on my behalf. I felt like my family were being purposely cruel when I was struggling so much through pregnancy. But ... the moment DD was pulled out, all the anxiety went away and everything just slotted into place! I think I coped a lot better post birth than one of my NCT friends, who had basically pre-planned her whole mat leave, read every book etc. I just went with the flow whereas she spent the whole time worrying and competing with her own ideals. I think a lot of people aren't as blissfully pregnant as society makes out!

Pretty sure that I had prenatal depression, and I didn't feel normal at the time either. Media portrays pregnancy as being all glowy, blooming and happy. Hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone with these feelings.

I was also bracing myself for the sleepless nights etc was aware how a baby would change things. When DD was born I was besotted immediately. When I had DS I was too busy to think much about him whilst pregnant. I also knew what was ahead in terms of sleepless nights etc and was a bit apprehensive of returning to that. I'm besotted with him too! I tended just to nod and agree when people asked if I was excited as it was easier.

I wasn’t excited when pregnant with DS1. I was pretty much in denial it was happening until he was crowning!
Now pregnant with DS2 and I’m so excited because I know what I’m getting this time. Nothing could have adequately described the love and joy that DS1 brought, and I can’t wait for DS2 to bring his own brand of joy and join our family!
Pregnancy is a funny old business. Please don’t feel bad for anything you feel. We are all different, just as our babies are.

Thank you so much! These responses have given me comfort, to know others have felt the same way. And also to hear about the other tokophobia sufferers.

Yes I think I need to be patient with myself given that I am expecting in the middle of a pandemic- it's understandable if I'm uneasy!

I was terrified first time I was pregnant, I wanted a baby very much but who knows what you're letting yourself in for. But my son turned 7 today and he's the most beautiful kid, both him and his brother who is 5 and it's just brilliant being a mum. Yes there's all the shit stuff, they do your head in and sometimes the anxiety is high but the best thing I found especially first time around is that you both learn together, it's lovely. Second time around you realise all that stuff you learned first time around was mostly luck than skill! My top tips are don't be hard on yourself and find some mum friends and places to go. Good luck with the birth.

I wasn’t particularly excited when pregnant. I had a great life and was anticipating how much it would change.
I didn’t have any fear of birth (and that went well in any case) and although DS was wanted, I wanted a child more than I wanted a baby IYKWIM.
I have to admit I did not love the baby experience, found toddlerhood more interesting if exhausting and absolutely love my 8 year old. Since he turned 4 it’s been the best adventure ever.
It’s ok not to be blooming and glowing and bouncing about in excitement while pregnant.

Personally I think it's better to be realistic & acknowledge that there will be tough parts. I don't mind the baby stage, really struggle with the toddler stage.

@mintcucumber yes I think that's how I feel. I'm more looking forward to having actual conversations with the child. Babyhood sounds like a slog with not many returns.

I was the same. I didn’t buy into the fairytale and hated pregnancy. Just wanted the birth over and done with. Fully braced myself for the emotional and physical issues that would follow. And I was right to do so, it was HARD. And although I was still knocked sideways by it all, it wasn’t a complete shock.

Now she’s 14 months and starting to interact with me and get her sense of humour I’m excited about the future.

It's the 'not knowing' but once the baby is here there are so many tiny things that just melt your heart; whether it's them grasping your finger, staring at you adoringly, smiling, giggling, doing sonething (anything!!) new for the first time. So there are many rewards in the very short baby time, and yes some of it is hard but there are so many lovely bits to treasure. I found many of my friends focussed on those hard bits so I was surprised by how much I loved each and every stage. Good luck!

Well it is hard work but you've worked hard before, right? The plus side is not that you love them - you fall in love with them (whether that's right away or it takes a little longer) and you have all that excitement about seeing them, marvelling at each tiny little thing they do, that you have had when falling in love with an adult - but this time it's unconditional, so the annoying things they do don't seem to matter the way they would if it was your partner.

Do you watch Scrubs?
This makes more sense if you know the characters, tbf.
Reminder that loving parents are all sorts.

(ignore the sentimental preamble & postamble, I couldn't quickly find a better copy of the clip)