To think that this is not genuine and she's just being nosey?

[Cheyenne2020]

Ex and I split a few years ago, and I had a horrendous relationship with his family. Constant fights, talking behind my back to ex criticising me etc, and some fights turned physical with his mother and sister attacking me on separate occasions. Even after all that, I tried to get on with them for the sake of my children and ex. They didn’t care, and continued to treat me like shit.

So you can imagine when we separated, I was relieved, and so were they. In fact his mum made it clear that she was happy we were getting divorced, which broke me because I was already upset that my family was ruined.

Anyway I was on the phone to ex the other day, talking about life and the dc. He said he’s just been to his mums to deliver food his sister was staying there, and they asked ‘how I was doing’.

AIBU to think this is not a genuine how is she really doing? I know they don’t care for me, I don’t care for them. So why the fuck ask? I know them very well, they like to gossip and this is their way of finding out what I’m doing with my life. Like why do you care how I’m doing? You treated me like shit when you last saw me

"Fine thanks" and move on. Change the subject, grey rock, whatever. They probably are just nosey yes, but don't give it any headspace.

It was probably a casual comment in a conversation, and didn’t really mean anything. I don’t think it was her being nosey as such.

Asking how someone is doing is often a polite commonplace with little real interest behind it - however, it has acquired more meaning during this pandemic. I would assume it's either polite and meaningless or prompted by some degree of concern, even if slight, as to whether you are well and coping with lockdown.

It's obviously and understandably a very raw subject but I wouldn't have thought it's either genuine or nosey but just a small talk thing people say. They probably don't care how you're doing enough to be nosey but if he mentioned you it's quite a normal question to ask as part of a chat. I don't know why he'd bother to mention it to either really but I guess that's also just something to say. I'd forget about it - and them - if poss, although sounds like you've got some rage bottled up so might be helpful to get it out safely somehow.

I agree with @ImFreeToDoWhatIWant
Just give a vague answer and ignore.

They probably are hoping to hear that life isn't going well for you. Grey rock, give them nothing (ex too, if he'll report back to them). If you're doing badly, they'll rejoice, if you're doing well, they'll want to spoil it. Just stay well clear and try to give them zero headspace.

hi OP
2 separate points here...

They couldn't care less how you are doing, never did, never will. They are fishing for information. If you were currently going through a rough patch, they would kick you, for fun. They haven't changed, they are bitter.

Secondly, and most importantly...why do you care? Even if aliens came in the night and gave them brain transplants, the things that they have done to you are unforgivable. I think that you should occupy your mind in considering why you are so keen for their approval? Why this even registers with you after so long?

I think it's genuine, but probably interested in the context of how your kids are doing. Eg "How is Cheyenne?" probably means "is Cheyenne getting enough food for the kids? Is she entertaining them? Educating them? Adhering to social distancing rules? Etc etc"

Either that or your ex was trying to be nice and say they care (even if they didn't ask & aren't interested)

They just want some gossip about you, OP. So glad you're away from them now.

Yep, just being nosey and hoping for bad news, on your part.

Honestly just forget about them. Don’t give them the head space. Why should you?

And be very careful what you tell your ex cos you know where is loyalty lies and it’s not with you and the children.

i work in a supermarket. Every single one of my customers says 'how are you?' when I start serving them. They don't want to know. They don't care. It's just something to do with their mouths while they are waiting.

It sounds almost as though you WANT them to be wanting to know what you are doing with your life. To me it just sounds like a very casual question. But why would your ex tell you they asked?

Regardless of whether they were 'sincere' or shit-stirring, the important thing is to not let it get to you. You're giving them head space simply by thinking about it. Stop. It no longer matters.

wouldn't give it too much thought

Your the mum of their grand kids so they will wanna no how u doing. Also how u doing isnt meant in how they you doing it means.
Does she have a bf
If she short of money if so haha
Is she working or unemployed furloughed with no money if so haha
Has her holiday been cxc this year again haha if so.
Xx

I think in this context of the lockdown it’s understandable they want to know how you are doing if you are caring for thier grandkids/niece/nephews. Like a PP said they want to know that the kids are safe, have enough food, haven’t had a grandparent die on your side, etc etc

They will get any goss from your ex so tell him nothing. I’d stop taking about ‘life’ and stick to ‘kids’.

I do agree with PPs but also I know some people who can't stand certain people eg my uncle's new GF and brother's new GF.
They say they are bad news and they shouldn't be with them etc but then as soon as they break up they have a personality change and say I always liked her, why did you break up she was so nice.

It's quite weird. I don't know if they re-write history to make themselves feel better knowing they weren't very nice to them for no reason.

They sound awful and I would feel exactly as you do.
Best thing is to not engage.
The more I learn about dysfunctional families, the more I realise that the way they treated you is probably their normal, and won't realise that other people don't like it (understatement!)
Take care and try to forget about it

when you genuinely don’t care what they think or feel , it’s then you will know you are truly free, it takes time.

I think although it’s been a few years you’ve clearly not been able to move past it, and still hold a huge grudge. It was likely a passing curious comment, and they likely don’t hugely care.

It doesn’t matter though, what matters is why years later, something so very very minor can set you off like this. And them asking how you’re doing in passing is the very definition of minor.

Have you had any form of counselling to help you move past it? I do think you need some help with this.

Despite all that has happened before, I would think asking how you are doing is quite normal, due to the circumstances that we all have right now. They would not like you to be ill in hospital etc , no matter what has gone on before.

Yes it's just something they said

Did you call the police when they physically attacked you ?

They are genuinely nosey about how you are. If you not great it’s gossip for them. If you are great it’s gossip for them.