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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with this new routine

21 replies

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 08:12

I’m not a big drinker so I don’t know if IABU

Husband usually works away 6 weeks at a time (oil work) and when he’s home for 3 weeks he gets drunk probably twice a week in the house, starts drinking at tea time when we are with our kids (3&6) and stops around 3am, and has a lie in the next day and is grumpy all day.

Since lockdown one night he will get drunk, the next night he will have a night off the drink and have an early night as he’s so tired from lack of sleep from the night before..

And repeat... he’s drunk every second night and it’s doing my head in. I have rubbish sleeps the night that he is drinking and the night he goes to bed early when he’s not drinking we don’t even watch tv together or anything.

One other thing which I would be interested to find out if this is strange or not — I do feel like he is controlling to an extent however nothing major. I was baking with my little one yesterday and she could barely see over the unit so I asked him if she was allowed to sit on the unit. After he said no I thought to myself, why did I just ask that and not just do it? I find myself asking questions if I’m allowed to do things

OP posts:

Original poster

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 08:15

Incase age is relevant.. I’m 27 and he is 38

OP posts:

notsureneversure · 13/04/2020 08:19

Yes I think that’s pretty odd OP (that you asked). I might sometimes ask XH what he thinks about something so we can assess it together but I’d never ask him for ‘permission’ as if DD was someone else’s child. Nor would he just say ‘No’.

Someone with more knowledge than me will be along to advise you.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 13/04/2020 08:25

I was baking with my little one yesterday and she could barely see over the unit so I asked him if she was allowed to sit on the unit.
Only you can answer why you asked him that question. I wouldn't have asked.
If you were asking for his advice on whether she would be safe if sat on the unit then that would be fine but if just asking 'permission' then I don't think that is fine.

Are you unreasonable to be fed up with that routine? No. However, I think YABU to have a child in an environment with a drunk (or alcoholic?). How awful for them to see such behaviour. You don't even get to interact or even watch TV together. What are you getting out of this relationship? How can either of you be happy with things as they are? Has he always drank alcohol to excess or has a situation resulted in him drinking more?

I think you need to sit down together for a deep and meaningful conversation about his drinking and your relationship.

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2020 08:27

I'd have no time for this relationship. I'll be blunt, OP, and I do apologise, but it sounds like complete and utter shit. So depressing. You basically live with a drunk who has opted out and isn't available to his family. He has totally checked out and you can't rely on him. If something happens- you collapse, your DD needs to go to A&E, etc., he's not available. He's too drunk. If you want to plan something nice for the day you can't include him because he's too knackered. He's just totally opted out. I'd be so angry if I were in your shoes.

StrangerDays · 13/04/2020 08:30

It sounds like he has alcohol issues, and you're hyper aware of his moods which would indicate an unhealthy relationship. Definite red flags, OP. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Have you spoken to anyone IRL about how you're feeling? Someone you trust?

TwilightPeace · 13/04/2020 08:32

so I asked him if she was allowed to sit on the unit.

That’s strange. It’s as if he has more power than you in the family dynamic, whereas it should be a partnership.
Over the next few days keep an eye on how often you ask his permission to do things.

As for the drinking, I’m not surprised you are fed up. I would be too. Drinking quite heavily seems to be the norm judging by some threads I’ve seen on here recently. However if it’s having a negative impact on your relationship then something needs to change.

How does he normally react when you try to talk about issues?

Russellbrandshair · 13/04/2020 08:33

I agree with vanguardsix this is no proper relationship- he’s drunk all the time. You deserve better and do does your child

Original poster

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 08:34

I actually can’t give you an answer about why I asked him. I’ve no idea why I did.

If I tell him I’m unhappy with his drinking he will have 1 extra day off and then get back to the drinking. His dad is quite a big drinker so I can only assume he’s seen him do it and thinks it’s normal but that’s not an excuse, my grandad drank all the time which my dad was around and that turned him the opposite way because he hated it.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about it.. I asked my mum once if she thought he was controlling and she said he expects too much from me but that’s as far as the conversation has gone

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Wannabangbang · 13/04/2020 08:34

Having a drink is one thing, or maybe the odd tipsy moment, especially as he works away 6 weeks at a time but twice a week and until 3am, he's definitely got a drinking problem and he must be keeping you and your child up until this hour which is absurd. Basically the 6 weeks he is home is unavailable 4 of those days a week ie 2 days drunk, 2 days recovering so over that time he is unavailable to you for over 24 days if you add it up.

24 days over 6 weeks he is a useless arsehole, time to enter out of this relationship op unless he gets some help for his alcoholism

TwilightPeace · 13/04/2020 08:34

Posted too soon.
Does he ever acknowledge that he is wrong or that his behaviour needs to strange?

It’s impossible for you to be happy with the way things are at the minute. How could you be? You are living with a drunk, grumpy, useless adult.

MaeDanvers · 13/04/2020 08:35

I think a few people are drinking more than they normally would but getting shitfaced until 3am every other night is excessive. Especially of it’s impacting his ability to co-parent. Does he drink a lot when he’s on the oil rig? What’s he normally
like parenting wise when he’s home?

As for asking him permission of she could sit on the counter - that’s strange and makes it seem like you tiptoe around him a lot. Is that the only example of this sort of thing?

Original poster

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 08:35

I’m definitely going to keep an eye over the next days/weeks if I ask him anything or why am I asking.

If I bring it up he just says sorry and that he’s fed up/bored but doesn’t stop him

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Russellbrandshair · 13/04/2020 08:40

Russell brand once said “I don’t have a problem with drink or drugs, I have a problem coping with reality” and that sums up addiction for me. Why can’t he cope with real life without a drink? Is it boredom? Painful memories? Anger? What is he drinking to cope with? Find that and you’ll find the key to him stopping.

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/04/2020 08:44

He’s got an addiction and it’s very common with people in that line of work
He needs to go to aa

LIZS · 13/04/2020 08:53

How is he accessing the booze? Does he go out to shop for it? This is not normal and he thinks it is under his control but I doubt that.

Beautiful3 · 13/04/2020 08:57

Sounds like a habit hes picked up from working away. Everyone drinking beers during down time? It is werid. I would not be happy with that at all. I'd think he were an alcoholic. I'd be worried about his lack of parenting and bonding with his child. Also his drinking influence on him/her.

Original poster

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 10:01

I’ve spoken to him this morning and told him im fed up with the drinking, he said he is sorry but hasn’t said he will stop.

He will go out to the shop and buy it

I definitely worry the children will see his drinking habits and think it’s normal, I would rather they had my drinking habits which is once in a blue moon!

OP posts:

LIZS · 13/04/2020 11:43

Yes your dc will see this , and any consequential hangover, aggression, rudeness, sickness, as normal. I doubt alcohol counts as essential shopping if he goes out specifically for it. He does that because he cannot cope without it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/04/2020 12:19

He is getting drunk twice a week even pre lockdown, that's not normal by any stretch.id have been out the door by now

Original poster

Routinewaah · 13/04/2020 12:53

I take after my dad and I’m really not a big drinker so I don’t really know what’s normal/not normal with regards to drinking.

I know people that have a glass of wine every night but that’s it.. and then there’s my husband that drinks nearly a whole bottle of vodka 2/3 times a week and is drunk.

We went a walk this morning and he was stinking of alcohol, it repulsed me to be honest

OP posts:

Bluebooby · 13/04/2020 13:02

Like you, I'm not much of a drinker, but I think it's far more normal to have a few drinks of an evening, occasionally getting drunk but not always. It sounds as though he drinks himself into oblivion every two days and has a day of recovery in between. It doesn't sound like he is really "present" with you as a family very often which is also a problem.

Asking him for permission - I used to find myself doing things like that all the time. My partner definitely has controlling tendencies. I've had to work on myself to stop and regain some power back, which hasnt been an easy thing to do. I plan to leave him eventually, covid has thrown my plans back somewhat, in the meantime I remind myself that I am an adult and I don't need permission. It's hard when you've had years of being treated a certain way and things have become normalised.

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