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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit peed off with friend about this

25 replies

buzzingaround · 13/09/2007 16:16

regular but name changer
I have a friend I've known for about 10 years. we had our first DDs (they are now 6) at same time and are godmothers to each others. We each have second DSs too. She has moved away from our local area but we are still in touch sporadically and try to see each other and families at least a couple of times a year, birthdays, xmas and a weekend or two in between. We've grown away from each other since our young free and single days when we spent lots of time boozing and partying but still have a grea ttime when we meet, get on very well with each others partners and our girls are mad about each other.
anyway, we always swap pressies at xmas and birthdays but this year we visited her just after xmas and I left pressies for her two in the room where we stayed (she hadn't mentioned pressies so I felt a bit awkward giving them straight to her kids in case she had forgotten) - she texted me afterwards to thank me and said she had just forgotten to give theirs to ours, but nothing ever materialised. This didn't bother me much at all, we didn't see each other for some months and tbh I forgot about it pretty much - it was no biggie. However we went to stay with her at the time of her DDs birthday and brought a gift for her and the DS (as it was his birthday around same time). Now it was my DDs bday just around the same time, we had a weekday party so they couldn't make it, but she didn't give a pressie to her at all - even though we saw each other within a week or so of the bday. I'm not bothered that she missed my DS birthday as that was a month or two earlier and she isn't his godmother anyway. But I did expect one for my DD. It was afterwards I remembered the Xmas thing too and I must say I felt quite hurt (possibly too strong a word but I was certainly miffed!) so, AIBU???
tbh having written all this down I reckon I possibly am, but I can't help feeling a bit fed up and taken for granted. She is the kind of person to whom being a godmother is not insignificant and while I know that the present side of things is not what godparenting is all about I just find this odd
they have NO money worries btw

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 13/09/2007 16:20

maybe she has a lot of mum friends so has a lot of kids to buy for, i mean people she sees more often? there'll be all her dd's class mates too i imagine. maybe she'd like to stop the present swap.

belgo · 13/09/2007 16:20

my dd's godmother doesn't give her birthday presents. That doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Neither of their aunties gave them christmas presents last year (that bothers me slightly and i also wonder what I'm going to do this year regarding their dc.)

If I were you, I would no longer give her dc presents.

lucyellensmum · 13/09/2007 16:20

perhaps she is just like me and bloody disorganised.

I would be a bit miffed too though. It makes it awkward regarding future occasions doesn't it, because now you are faced with the should i buy and then she will feel awkward, or should i not buy and she will think im being churlish (not sure if right word).

belgo · 13/09/2007 16:23

you're right it does make it awkward for future occasions.

OrmIrian · 13/09/2007 16:25

I must admit I don't give presents to friends children unless we are actually going to see them on the day itself or go to the party. That seems to be the way my friends do it too. I wouldn't be offended either way. IME my kids get way too much anyway. I would possible stop giving presents to her children - she'd probably be grateful not to feel guilty and uncomfortable about it.

Elasticwoman · 13/09/2007 19:40

"She has no money worries" - you really can't be sure about this. Like saying some one else's marriage is rock solid.

Seems to me that she wants to stop the present-giving thing for whatever reason. If your dd is too young to notice, so much the better. It would be her feelings I'd worry about, in your position, rather than my own.

I would stop giving her kids presents - but send a card if you don't mind whether she reciprocates or not.

Gifts are bonus - they shouldn't be seen as a right, even when precedents have been set.

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/09/2007 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tissy · 13/09/2007 19:43

don't remember that bit of the service

gringottsgoblin · 13/09/2007 19:46

this is exactly how i stopped buying presents for my friends kids. it isnt always about the money, it might just be about the general materialism of birthdays/xmas which bugs the pants off me

tissy · 13/09/2007 19:46

like lucyellensmum, I am very disorganised, and frequently forget my siblings and nephews'/ nieces' birthdays.

My Godson usually gets an Amazon voucher around the time of his birthday, if i remember.

It doesn't mean I love them any less, and it certainly ISN'T written into the godpaent contract...

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/09/2007 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tori32 · 13/09/2007 19:52

I would be miffed too.

Had a similar situation with my ex husbands brother and his wife. I had no children and always brought presents for his son and step daughter at xmas. We have never had anything in return for a wedding present, when dd was born, first xmas. So I will not buy this year. Even though we had supposedly stayed good friends when I divorced his brother.

TinyGang · 13/09/2007 20:01

Maybe she is subtlely trying to scale the gift thing down as you only see her sporadically now.

I am always relieved when this happens tbh.

I would take the hint and leave it. It wouldn't affect the friendship for me in any way.

Original poster

buzzingaround · 13/09/2007 20:42

ok so IAB(a bit)U it seems
I just expected something else from her, as it's what we'd always done but yes I guess that she must just be trying to scale things down subtly
I'd much prefer she had just said something, now that I wouldn't have minded in the slightest

OP posts:

newgirl · 13/09/2007 20:57

i think it would have been awkward to say something - she probably thought the gift giving would just fizzle out - especially when older children have so many things and go to so many parties

if you enjoy their company i would def forget about it - no more presents unless going to a specific party or on the day - i think you are in to a new phase of your friendship so its just time to change things a bit

vbacqueen1 · 13/09/2007 21:00

I don't think you're being in the slightest bit unreasonable - just because you don't stand up in church and say "I agree to buy this godchild a birthday present until they or I kick the bucket", it's the whole principle of the thing for me. If you can't be arsed to play an active part in the child's life (which, incidentally involves ALWAYS remembering birthdays and Christmas, no matter how infrequently you may see them) then don't agree to be a bloody godparent in the first place. It's an honour with strings attached, not just something to do on the day of the christening in order for you to feel important. And while I'm on the subject (you've obviously hit a nerve with me now!) you should also make sure that you DO see your godchildren frequently, certainly often enough for them to know that they're special to you.
Have finished now .......

lomondgal · 13/09/2007 21:04

I would just stop buying her children gifts, don't mean to sound stingy but it would annoy me.

Original poster

buzzingaround · 14/09/2007 13:49

vbacqueen - I think that is exactly it - her DD IS special to me, not just because I was asked to be her godmother but that does increase the feeling that she is not just another of DDs friends. I don't get to see them that often due to circumstance but always get her a present as we do have a different relationship than that between me and (say) one of DDs classmates and I want to mark that. My friend bviously doesn't feel like that. It makes it awkward for me to continue buying for my goddaughter if she doesn't buy anything for my daughter (her goddaughter). But I guess that is what I need to do because this has pissed me off...

OP posts:

vbacqueen1 · 14/09/2007 14:06

Perhaps if you can lead by example the message will hit home for her? And maybe you could bring the conversation around to christenings in some way and let her know what you think the role of a godparent should be? But maybe you could be as tactful as it's possible to be and she still wouldn't be any different. There are times when it's just easier to be blunt!

I think if you don't address this issue, and sooner rather than later, it will fester away and ruin your friendship anyway. What have you got to lose?

hanaflower · 14/09/2007 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JiminyCricket · 14/09/2007 14:16

My honest opinion is that while it might be a bit out of order for her not to have given them under the circumstances, it is a bit unreasonable to expect them...presents are just that, gifts given freely, not because expected. Seems like she is either (like me) not very organised and can't remember who they exchange gifts with or remember to buy them in time, and then feels embarrassed afterwards...or she's trying to let you know that she doesn't want to exchange gifts any more. Sounds like other things between you are fine, so just take the hint and stop giving pressies. Or carry on giving them because you want to but don't expect her to reciprocate. I have lots of friends we don't exchange presents with (esp at Christmas) because it is just too darn expensive. And we are not in financial trouble, but I'd like to keep it that way...

maisemor · 14/09/2007 14:23

{{clears throat}} {{adapts posh voice}} Gifts should be given with no strings attached. E.i if you want to buy your little god daughter a present then don't expect anything in return. Do it because you want to do it.
{{polishes halo}}

P.S. You do not know how her financial situation is (unless you have copies of all their banks tatements sent to you whenever they get them themselves).

Original poster

buzzingaround · 14/09/2007 14:23

I know presents shouldn't be "expected" - but sometimes you just do from certain people, don't you? I think we are growing apart anyway, she has changed a fair bit since moving away and is very caught up in her new life (which I am pleased about btw). I think I will leave it and just send cards from now on...

OP posts:

vbacqueen1 · 14/09/2007 14:24

Are you a Godmother to anyone's children JiminyCricket? I am also very disorganised when it comes to birthdays, and there are some of my friends where we have an agreement that we don't buy for each other's children. For the others, I may be late with them, but I never forget.

When it comes to Godchildren though, I make sure I am NEVER late. These are not just the children of friends, they are my Godchildren and I promised to help look after the. The bloody least we can do under the circumstances is buy them a bloody card and a gift on their birthdays and at Christmas. Or AIBU?

Original poster

buzzingaround · 14/09/2007 14:26

well I am fairly sure that if they are financially screwed and going into huge amounts of debt as a result of the massive house, horses, multiple holidays a year etc etc etc a fiver for a token pressie wouldn't be the thing that would tip them over the edge

OP posts:

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