Relationship Breakdown & Lockdown

[Userunknown123]

I've been with my DP for 5 & a half years. We bought our first home last year.

To avoid drip feeding, I'll summarise the issues making me want to end the relationship. In the beginning, he would take drugs when he was with his brother and not tell me about it. I told him I would end things if he continued because I don't like drug use. This stopped as far as I'm aware.

His brother and I also don't get along and haven't seen each other or spoken for a few years now. No big deal for me, but does complicate things with birthdays and Christmas etc.

He promised to marry me years ago yet hasn't done anything about it. I mean, he took me to try on rings on more than one occasion a few weeks apart then nothing happened for the past 3 years or so.

He's never really had any friends. I always end up bringing him along to things with my friends (male and female) because he'd be at home alone otherwise. The past few months I've been doing my own thing completely and he stays at home doing nothing. Sometimes I need time away from him or with my friends so we can all chat without our DPs there. He never makes any plans or arrangements for us to go for meals, he doesn't look up new restaurants to try etc. He doesn't look up what's on in the cinema. When we go on holiday I usually suggest it, research it and eventually book with his agreement.

The icing on the cake recently was that I had a milestone birthday. I'd arranged my own party (which got cancelled due to covid-19) and I'd asked if we could go for a lunch just the two of us. He said yes and we agreed a date for this. 2 days beforehand he told me he was working the weekend of my milestone birthday. He hasn't arranged lunch as we agreed, hadn't bothered to swap his shift and hadn't bothered to tell me so I could make other plans. I ended it with him the day before lockdown started.

I was also upset because he has the same milestone birthday later in the year. I've taken a 4 day weekend and have stuff planned for him for the weekend. He knows this because I asked him if he was taking any time off before I paid for anything.

I definitely don't want children and don't really feel strongly about marriage. Because of this, I feel the urge to live my life and don't want my life to pass me by or get to retirement and feel like I didn't make the most of it. I feel like I need someone with a bit more "get up and go" if I'm going to be in a relationship.

We've been stuck in a flat together all this time and it's awful. I think he thinks things will just go back to normal. I can't talk to my friends on the phone because he doesn't really go out. My best friends have also just bought houses and are really busy with that and I don't hear from them much. My other friends don't know about the split because of lockdown and I feel a bit weird texting them out of the blue to tell them.

I spoke to my mum on the phone and she brought it up. She kept saying my reasons for leaving him weren't good enough and I shouldn't have bought the flat with him. I keep telling her that I can't go back and change that we bought the flat. We ended up arguing and haven't spoken since either. I feel really alone. I suppose I just need a hand hold and maybe to hear some points of view. Is anyone else going through similar?

YABU - I should stay with him and my reasons for wanting to leave are not valid

YANBU - I should leave him because the reasons are valid

You sound as if you have just grown out of each other. There are no compelling reasons in that list to split up but if you simply cannot see a future together then that is enough. You mention he hasn't married you but then say you don't believe in marriage. Perhaps this is more about the feeling that you want him to DO something instead of waiting on you to do it.
If you cannot see yourself with him then split.

I cant see any reasons to stay. None.

It's a drag that you'll have to sort out the flat but so what? Lots of people do it.

Sorry your mum is talking rubbish.

Erm. It absolutely does NOT matter if other people think that your reasons are valid or not. If they feel valid to you they are valid. It is as simple as that.

I agree with PPs but I just wanted to add that you potentially could call your friends whilst you're out for your daily exercise?

Good luck with everything.

Your mum is talking nonsense. He is either lazy or introverted or both. Whichever, if you're not happy with him then you can end it. Either arrange to buy out his half of the flat or sell it and split the money and use yours as a new deposit.

Go out a walk and call your friends.

The only person’s feeling that are important here are yours. If I weren’t happy in my relationship, my dm would never say I should stay. Your reasons are valid, split up.

You don't need anyone else, your mum or him, to tell you that your reasons for doing anything are valid or not.
You're done with the relationship. That's enough.

I broke up with my boyfriend just before the lockdown (I posted about it before on here, made the decision to finally leave a few weeks later).

It's been really difficult and I really feel for you.

Things that have helped are:
i. Spending as long as you reasonably can doing the daily exercise outside (even if it's just a walk).
ii. Doing "solo" activities (watching Netflix with headphones in, reading books, texting friends as, same as you, I can't really call them about this as he'd be in earshot).
iii. Trying to keep things civil whilst reiterating that things have ended. You can make someone a cup of tea if you're at the kettle without it looking like you want to get back together! It's helped the atmosphere stay nice.

Also, it's important to remember that it will be hard at times and it's okay to feel sad about it. I try to remain thankful that at least I don't have kids to deal with too :')

I hope you're alright- it'll be over soon and then you can really move on with your life :)

This sounds so hard. Sharing your home at close quarters with someone you've broken up with is very difficult and with lockdown making it impossible to get out, see your friends, access support, lose yourself in work or just generally do things to move on, you must feel like you're going mad. As for your mum, I think that's almost the hardest thing you mentioned. I think it's really out of order to try and pressure you to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy. Her lack of support would be enough if you had children to think of and she believed staying was best for them, but to stay in a failing relationship because you own a flat together is ridiculous. These are often the sorts of things that people agonise over themselves before ending things. The fact that you aren't means that this is really over. As soon as lockdown ends, I would make your plans and move forward into your new life.