MIL exaggerating and upsetting DM....

[PennyHoffsteader]

So whilst on lockdown DH and DS have been taking walks locally with the dog and FaceTiming MIL whilst out and about for their daily exercise.

MIL texted DM the other day to ask how my grandmother was after losing her DS and DB within 12 hours of each other. Which was nice of her. Anyways, during the conversation via text, they got talking about how difficult it was not seeing the grandchildren during lock down to which MIL told DM that she had been on walks with DH and DS along the beach. No details about it being via FaceTime. Just made out that she had been in regular physical contact with them. Of course DM got really upset - she's finding the lock down quite difficult.

Anyway, after talking to my DM about it (DS told me about the situation because DM didn't want to cause a fuss and start any arguments) I told DH about it and asked him to tell MIL that she had upset DM and to be more considerate with her explanations or descriptions in future. DH doesn't see the issue and won't say anything to MIL.

AIBU to insist that DH has a word or should I do it myself or should I just leave it?!

YABU. I don’t think anyone needs to have a word with her.

You’ve set your mum right that it was via FaceTime and that’s that; you two can just roll your eyes at her exaggeration. This isn’t a big issue so there’s no need to make it one.

I'm not sure I follow. You can forgo all the abbreviations - it makes for better understanding.

So your mother is upset as she thinks that your husband and son have been for daily walks with his mother i.e mother in law - but in actual fact these 'walks' were conducted via FaceTime?

Someone should clarify to your mother. Ultimately it's not that big of a deal. If it's your mother I don't see why you need your husband to have a word. A 5-min phone call would resolve this very quickly. Don't buy into drama and dramatics. Just explain and move on.

If your MIL accidentally upset your Mum I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

If you think it was deliberate I’d tell her she’d upset your mum and she needs to be clear.

How often do your MIL and DM usually talk/text each other?

Do they even like each normally?

If the answer is not much, I'd just get your DM to block MIL for the duration and comfort her that MIL talks shite.

Any come back - DM is struggling with lockdown and bereavement and found MIL very insensitive. She's having a break right now.

It’s just a misunderstanding which has now been explained, so your mum should need no apology or further clarification,

You might also put in place regular facetime events with your mother... invite her to dinner for example.

It sounds to me as though your MIL deliberately allowed your mum to believe she had actually been for a walk. That is mean. I definitely think someone, should mention it to her.

Is it a misunderstanding or did mil deliberately lead her to believe it?

Maybe Mil didn't realise how the texts were coming across and didn't think the texts would read that she was actually with them?

If you think you mil deliberately did this then yes something should be said. Does she do this often? If so if your husband won’t say anything I would. Just a breezy text along the lines of you upset my mother could you be careful going forward. If she didn’t do this deliberately you have explained to your mum and should drop it

YABU. Is it the misunderstanding of the 'walks' or the fact your DH and DS have been making regular contact with his DM, whereas your DM has not had as much contact/effort perhaps?

I doubt MIL was being malicious. As you say, it was an exaggeration but probably one she didn't think too much about at the time. You've already clarified with your DM. Don't get hung up on a throwaway comment during a time when everyone's feelings are a little more raw than usual.

Also, from your OP, your DM has recently lost 2 family members. It's feasible that she is more upset about this as it has made her think more about family and she is transferring those feelings onto this one comment from your MIL.

Yabu - that your mother misunderstood your mil is unfortunate but no, your dh does not need to ‘have a word’ - and neither does anyone else for that matter.
It’s not for you or your dh to ‘tell’ your mil how to converse so she doesn’t inadvertently upset your mum.
Good grief!

If your mil didn’t mean to upset your Mum, I don’t think there’s much point in causing further upset. Just face time your mum next time you’re along the beach with your ds, or if she can’t do FaceTime, explain to her properly what it is.

If it was an accident then nothing needs to be said I don't think. If you think it was malicious then I would have a word.

@PennyHoffsteader do it yourself but just text her and say “my mum thought you actually came for a walk with us and felt left out. Please point out it was a virtual/FaceTime walk as she doesn’t believe me and is now inconsolable”.

Unless you think it was deliberate of course...which is different. I am going on the assumption that your mother simply misunderstood your mil.

Ach no - even then, don’t stir the pot. Your mil will only deny it and then where are you? Nothing resolved but general bad feeling all round.
Shut this nonsense down by not engaging. My advice.

If it was MIL deliberately trying to make your dm feel as if she was missing out on something etc then I'd tell your mum to take everything your MIL says to her with a pinch of salt. Pre-empt any possible future shenanigans.

my mum thought you actually came for a walk with us and felt left out. Please point out it was a virtual/FaceTime walk as she doesn’t believe me and is now inconsolable” inconsolable? She's not a toddler!

Your MiL has just lost a son and a brother and you are worried about your mum's feelings being hurt over trivia. Sweet Jesus!

Your MiL has just lost a son and a brother and you are worried about your mum's feelings being hurt over trivia. Sweet Jesus! shock

No, the DM has lost a brother and uncle I think. But still no need for inconsolable jealousy. She’s been set straight. Leave it there.

Oh no, if it is the OPs DM who has lost family I can see why the slightest thing might make her distraught, grief distorts the emotions terribly.

Comfort your mum as best you can OP but I wouldn't focus on this one incident.

First of all well done on clearing things out with your Dm. Clearly these are very harrowing times for everyone especially you and your Dm. Yes I would expect Mil to be a bit more sensitive towards your Dm. However if you believe that this was done unintentionally, then I would just drop it. If it's something Mil often does then may be bring it up in casual chat sometime later if that helps you op. About your Dh, honey they love maintaining peace, don't they? Dh probably doest want to hurt his Dm. Your Dm sounds kind and lovely by the way.

I'd assume that MIL just didn't feel it necessary to add that it was virtual. Nobody seems to be adding a disclaimer that the pub quiz they did on Friday, seeing the penguins at Chester Zoo, or touring an art gallery, is all happening online. Probably because it's obvious to most people.

If it's deliberate, talking to her won't make any difference. In that case she'd be toxic and you're better giving her no attention. You and your mum know the truth and your mum knows not to believe her in future.

If it was not deliberate (which seems less likely to be fair), there's nothing your MIL can do now and your mum isn't going to believe her again anyway.

I'd leave it but I'd also to my DH I was unimpressed if something like this happened again.