AIBU to think I'm not awful for feeling like I don't love my step children?

[JustGoGo]

2 step children, been with their dad, my DH for about 5 years.

My friend was talking about her step children and how she loves them like her own, misses them so much when they aren't there etc.. and I didn't say anything, but I just thought, I don't feel that. I don't feel like I love them.

Don't get me wrong, I like and care about them, they are good kids and I want what's best for them, we really do get on. But equally I don't really miss them when they aren't with us, I wouldn't be bothered if they went on holiday for a couple of weeks with their mum and we didn't see them for example whereas my husband obviously would and I prefer the days when it's just me and DH at home (they are with us 3 nights a week) which isn't to say I don't also enjoy them being with us, we do lots of fun things but I do prefer the dynamic when it's just me and H, if I'm being honest (which I would never admit outside of here!).

I feel like this doesn't impact how I treat them at all, I do a lot for them, look after them whilst their parents work at weekends, take them to school occasionally, play games, have a good chat, we laugh a lot but I don't know, I just don't have an intense feeling that I would call love.

It made me wonder if I was the odd one out or whether most step parents feel this way?

Of course how you feel is absolutely fine. You fell in love with their dad, falling in love with them is not automatic, assumed or necessary.

That you treat them with care and respect is most important.

I'm not a step parent so I don't know, but I don't "miss" my own kids when they go away either for the weekend or the week with their dad either. I love the downtime.
I love them though, obviously, but I also love my close friends kids in a way that's different to my own, stronger than like, and I treat them the same as my own when they're with me.
I think I kind of see where you're coming from, but I'd be surprised you didn't feel some love for them after so many years.

I feel the same. Don't dislike my dsd at all. She's a genuinely funny and clever young woman but i definitely don't love her like I love my nieces and nephews. I've know her for 12 years but never really built a strong bond.

There's no rule to say you must love them, as long as you treat them kindly and fairly. I don't think I'd ever love another person's child like I do my own, I've thought of adoption before but have worried that I wouldn't be able to love the child the same way, and I suppose it's a similar thing. I think it sounds like you treat them well, have fun together, but equally you're entitled to enjoy the company of your husband more.

I suppose the only time it would be an issue is if you were to have children of your own and it became clear there was a big difference in how they were treated.

Thank you, that makes me feel less like a demon!

I know my DH is really worried that he won't be able to see them if this lockdown gets stricter or their mum decides it's best they stay in one place, I just feel really bad when he's talking to me about it because I just wouldn't be bothered. I wouldn't want DH to be upset but me personally? No.

It sounds like you do love the sc, just in a different way to your friend. Love doesn't have to be all gushy and '...to the moon and back', a genuine love can also want the best for people, care about their wellbeing and enjoy time together. Just because you aren't given to flouncy declarations and don't pine for them, it doesn't mean you think any less of them.

Yanbu and most who will say you are won't have step kids and have some delusion every human must love their step kids like they're their own children and if they don't then they're a terrible person.

I've been with oh 7 years and I'm very fond of his children but I don't love them but when they're here I treat them the same as our toddler.

You may be right Jack.

I'll admit I'm not a very motherly person, I never have been. I wouldn't say I don't like children, I've just never really been bothered about them. A lot of my friends love babies and all things kids. Love watching one born every minute, talking about babies, having babies, being pregnant etc... and I've just never really got it.

I do think this adds to it, it used to make me really uncomfortable calling myself a step mum, it still does really. My DH used to be quite intense and talk as if they were 'our' children, tell me they think of me 'like a mum' and various other things and it just made me feel awkward really. I don't want to be their mum or their parent, I'm perfectly happy just being their friend and I certainly don't think of them as my children.

YADNBU. I had a boyfriend once who had two young children. I didn't feel any closer to them at the end of our relationship than I did at the beginning and TBH, I don't think that would have changed much, even if we'd got married.

It actually really put me off being a stepmum so when I started OLD, I specified 'no children'. To me, having stepchildren is all of the disadvantages of having children (lack of time, money, holiday choices etc) and none of the advantages (deep love, creating your own family unit etc).

YANBU OP

My dad remarried when I was 4, and whilst I have no doubt my step mum thinks a hell of a lot of me (I'm now 30), I know she would never have the same love for me as their other children. I know this because I'm also a mum.

What I can say though is she absolutely cherishes my daughter and there is no doubt that love is very real, and my little girl calls her grandma. I wouldn't have it any different.

Bonds and love take time to grow when people are thrust together.

I love my DSD but it’s different to how I love my own although I didn’t know that until I’d actually had my own. My love for them is unconditional and innate whereas for my DSD it just isn’t and I feel irritated by her much more easily than my own; when we don’t see her for a little bit I miss her but not in the same way her dad does.

YANBU.

I don't miss my own daughter when she's with my ex. And I'm not particularly motherly either. She was conceived accidentally; I never intended to have children.

I love her, but as previous posters have said, there's more than one way that can manifest.

YANBU OP. Your relationship with them sounds absolutely fine. You like them, you care for them and have fun with them. They have their parents, and your relationship with them is an extra one, important in its own way, but not the be all and end all. I would prefer this to someone who gets overly involved and takes it upon themselves to be parent #3 when it isn't necessary.

I think this is fine. My step mother played a rather instrumental part in my upbringing probably more than df but in honesty I don't feel any love towards her more than I would do towards the mother of a friend. If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be that bothered, other than sad for DF. I know it makes me sound so cold and I could never admit this to anyone IRL.

You don't have to love them. Just as they don't have to love you. Liking very much is fine.

As you've described yourself as not being maternal, that might be a factor, but not necessarily.

I don't think the bond with a stepchild you haven't raised as your own, would ever feel the same as actually having your own, that you would love and miss