Living with parents as an adult

[waytheleaveswork]

I have been living with my parents for 18 months following a break up to save up a deposit for a flat. I had starting putting in offers on flats just before lock down. I pay rent to them and am very grateful.

My mum is really struggling emotionally with lockdown, and is taking this out on me. She has been very controlling and shouted at me yesterday for not wanting to go on a walk with her (I was about to log in to a church service). She is angry I am not spending enough time with her. I am finding her anger and ways of dealing with it very stressful.

We eat cook and dinner together every day with my Dad. I bought a jigsaw puzzle for us to do last week. We have lunch on some days (I am currently WFH, she is retired).

We spoke this morning and I explained that I know she is finding it hard, and it's nice she wants to spend more time with me but she can't lash out at me like that. Now she is moping about and asking me lots of questions to draw me into a conversation but I just need some space after managing this over the past two days. It is really tiring. I am an introvert and quite happy in my own company.

AIBU to keep my distance from her, or should I be doing more? Really grateful for any thoughts or other perspectives here.

YANBU. I think regardless of who you live with everyone needs their own space, especially at a time like this. I'd get extremely irritable if I didn't have moments alone each day, it's too much to be in each other's pockets 24/7.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. I would think most families would be getting on each others nerves due to the lockdown. Since you are WFH, just try to spend the day in your workspace even on breaks, then spend some time with your parents cooking and doing your puzzle in the evening. I would also try to incorporate some exercise before work, saying you need the time alone to prepare for the day.

Your mother is perfectly capable of going on a walk by herself. If you try out the routine above she might initially get offended that you have cut the cord, but she will adapt to it in a day or two and it will be a win/win for both. Just continue to engage with her normally now, no need for thinks to get awkward and emotional, even if you think she is being unreasonable.

@waytheleaveswork try and find things for her to do. Instead of going that walk could you have enticed her to watch the church ceremony on a different device to you by saying “ oh I thought you would be virtually visiting church” and showing her how to access it then leaving. If she has more pastimes you might get more time to yourself

Thanks for the suggestions.

I go to a C of E church and she is a catholic (her church are not doing anything online so she watches the services from another catholic church), and so she would take my invitation to join as rubbing it in her face I think. Also I need that to be my own faith space IYSWIM.

I will just have to force myself to be more jolly and sociable in the evenings I guess. And then get on the flat hunting straight away when all this is over!