To not understand this irrational sadness.

[grapesofraf]

Ive been married for over 30 years, we’ve had loads of ups and downs over the years, but basically we are quite happily married. Over the years my mind has sometimes strayed to my first love, probably because when I was was with him I was young and carefree, so maybe I just associate him with those days.The reason we spilt was because he joined the army and moved away from our home town. I never saw him again. Sometimes when I’ve thought of him I’ve often wondered if he still thought of me.

Now I’ve found out that he actually died five years ago. I just feel so sad, and I can’t shake it off. Aibu, or can anyone identify with me?

YANBU.

Whilst I can't
Identify I think you're feelings are totally valid. I'm not sure worth bringing up with your partner it's probably one to keep quiet about as they may not see it the same way but a loss is a loss and you are entitled to fee sad about no matter who it is IMO.

Grief is weird. Dont beat yourself up. I dont exactly identify but last year my school music teacher died and I cried for 3 days. I hadnt seen him for 20yrs.

I find listening to Griefcast usually helps.

Its very very common after many years of marriage to think of the magic of a first love. Please see it for what it is, a sadness for years gone by, the innocence and optimism of youth and a longing for what might have been ( and probably wouldnt have been). Put it all in your memory box and smile. The day to day reality of a 30 year marriage ( 43 for me) is not the stuff of hearts and romance, but shows a relationship that has survived the ups and downs of life. It may not be perfect but it endures, when many dont. You only have to read the posts on here. What you have is the stuff that matters

My dh asked me if I felt sad and I just said yes but didn’t go into depth. He’s not the most understanding of people sometimes.

I cried buckets when my first proper love died (young and unexpectedly). It’s a normal reaction for someone you cared for deeply.