I realise I may be heavily judged for this so I am preparing for it. I'll try and condense as much as possible.
TW: mental illness
I was with someone for 3 years. We loved each other, but there were lots of issues in the relationship at the time on my end. I went through a period of such severe anxiety I couldn't leave my flat, didn't go to work or university. I got severely depressed which cumulated into a suicide attempt 6 months later. I also had an eating disorder. ExDP stood by me but I didn't feel like he really understood. I felt very alone, I went in and out of depressive episodes and I felt suffocated by him - we lived together in a studio flat and we were together all the time. We got on really well but I also felt like I had no idea who I was.
Eventually I told him to go home for a weekend. I needed breathing space. He did, I felt lonely and hopeless, so I went out and got very drunk and slept with someone I vaguely knew. I say slept with - we were that drunk it never really got that far. But for the basis of the post, we slept togther. It was wrong. I passed out and woke up a few hours later feeling absolutely sick at what I'd done. I broke up with ExDP the next day, I just said I didn't love him anymore and needed to improve my mental health. I just wanted to sever it as quickly and painlessly as I could. A few weeks later he found out about me sleeping with someone else, sent me some nasty texts, then we never spoke for years.
I'm not going to try and justify sleeping with someone else. It was very wrong. I hate that I did that. I deeply regret it. At the time I deeply believed I wasn't good enough for him, I hated myself and I just didn't want to be tied down as I thought I was going to end my life at some point. Therapy since has explained to me I purposefully sabotaged the relationship. But all of this is inexcusable and it was so so wrong of me and I (rightfully) beat myself up for it for a long time.
My behaviour turned into a self-destructive cycle. Fast forward and 6 months later I found myself pregnant. My life changed at that point. I stopped drinking, sorted my mental health out. I am a different person now. My child changed my life. Me and the dad tried to make things work, but we split when DS was 1.
That brings us to now, 2 years later.
ExDP started messaging me a few months ago. We've been talking constantly for the last few weeks. I don't understand why he's being nice as I broke his heart. He hasn't mentioned this. He just said he's glad I'm happy now and he can tell how different I am. He's doing really well in life and I said I'm really happy for him too. I genuinely am.
Part of me desperately wants to see where this goes, my heart says maybe it's a second chance at happiness. However the bigger part of me knows if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't believe he had changed, would think he would hurt me again. I think he deserves better and I should tell him we need to cut contact, that's what my head says.
I just wanted some outsider opinions, really. I'm willing to take the hits if people want to give them. I'm aware I probably deserve it, but believe me I have worked on myself a lot in the last 5 years and am deeply regretful.