To stop these chats with friends because they're making me feel bad

[rookiemere]

I'm in a group of friends and we've arranged to have zoom chats every week. We're friendly because our DCs are in the same year at school and are all now 14.

Thing is I come away from the weekly chats feeling really bad about my parenting as a lot of the conversation is taken up with how are the DCs getting on. Well it's a bit difficult with DS at the moment. He has always enjoyed gaming but in normal life that is balanced with seeing friends, playing sports and going to the gym. Without those normal parts of teen life, he is spending too much time on his computer. He is playing games with others so there is some interaction and we do force him to walk the dog each day, but it's a real struggle to get him to do other stuff so a little bit of baking, watching a film with us doing an Easter Egg hunt. Without exercise he's also putting on weight and even if I buy no treats will eat bowls of cereal or many slices of toast.

so thats where we are - the Teenagers topic has reassured me that I'm not alone with my surly teen. But their teens seem to be making up planners for their day, spontaneously exercising and discovering new skills. I don't really want to hear about it to be honest - it's not like I haven't tried to engage DS so it's not ideas I am a lacking, I'd just rather we discussed something else. But I dont want to say anything as I think it will look weird. I think I just need to not dial in for a few weeks for the sake of my own mental health, but I really like them and don't want to lose contact, so I'm not sure what to do for the best.

Could you be honest with them in your chat and ask them for help, tips and advice? Turns talk away from how perfect their teens are (not), brings some awareness of the fact that it's not all sunshine and roses for everyone and could potentially yield results.

Have you tried being honest with your friends and saying to them what you've told us here? They might be able to help.

These are strange and difficult times and you'll probably find if you're honest that your friends will start to admit they and their children are struggling too, perhaps. Perhaps they just want to save face?

I really think you need to either take a step back from these chats or accept that this weird stage will pass and not be so hard on yourself.

PS - please don't worry about your son's weight gain!

Honestly OP I thought you were me then writing about my teens. Don’t worry perfectly normal teen behaviour. Using the computer and PlayStation and communicating with their friends is how they do it. I’m on my phone a lot more now as well. Just use this time to get on with him.

Thanks for replying milk .

I guess the thing is I don't particularly want to spend most of the discussion on our DCs and I kind of know what things will work on DS and what things won't. I'd rather we talked about us rather than how well or badly the DCs are getting on. Plus I like to be quite a positive person, with DS I just think it's all unfortunate timing for him to be stuck in a house with the 2 people he'd least like to be stuck with and there's a limited amount I can do to jolly him along, so I don't want to be talking a lot about it.

I think you'll find that they're probably exaggerating and making their DC sound wonderful when the likelihood is they made a revision timetable and then pissed about on the internet for hours, or they said they were going to their rooms to study and sat in there chatting to their friends. You're far from alone to feel frustrated and like you're struggling at the moment. Everyone I know who is a straightforward type has admitted this and said how it really is

I wish that was the truthdkankn but I know their DSs and the likelihood is that they are indeed off for long cycle rides and developing new skills.

Ach I think you folks are right I just need to tell it as it is. Actually one of the ladies has been messaging me as her DD is struggling like DS and that's actually been really nice being able to have a good old moan and realise that our DCs are entirely normal.

I too have a group of friends and we have group chats. I’m the only one without a live in partner. Just like you have to listen to how wonderful these teens are I’m having to listen to how wonderful their husbands are, gardening, cooking, BBQs etc etc. Now I know these ladies very well and every year we have a weekend away. I know that for most of the time their husbands are not perfect. I’ve had to listen to the moaning, the fears and the tears. Lockdown is strange suddenly every family sounds like the Waltons.

Sounds like typical teenage behaviour OP try not to beat yourself up!! I'm fed up too of these 'performance parents' who exaggerate how perfect their little darlings are lockdown has certainly brought out the very worst and best of people 😱

I think you just need to be honest with your friends. They are your friends and if you were mine I would want to know and support you, even if all that I could do was listening.

Or decide to stop talking altogether and set up zoom for quiz night or similar which means min small talk but still interaction with them

Grew up on computer games, playing with friends (including my dh). We all lead successful lives .

My 15 yr old teen DS is like yours DS, dragging him out for a walk at times, it's not easy.

Sounds like typical modern "look how well we are doing" adult behaviour to me.
My DS is 6 and I'm struggling hugely with this home schooling malarkey, where as I've heard from the very few people who I'm incontact with just how wonderfully thier kids are doing, all the projects, crafts, being on the verge of curing cancer, spotting unicorns and flying pigs.
Best bit of advice I did get was from my home school friend (my son and others all in standard schools) to do what you can, anything is a bonus, and let your children be.

You're not doing a bad job. This won't be forever. Try not to beat yourself up, I know I've been trying not too and do the best you can with what you can. These few weeks/months aren't going to be the end of your child's development.

Before the lockdown my boys (15 and 17) did DofE Silver/Gold; frequently walked into town and for miles to see friends; walked to local astro to play football with mates regularly.

Now they do nothing other than gaming because that is where they can talk to friends. I can hear DS2 discussing prisons with his mates now although they are playing some game.

Don't worry too much. This is an absolutely weird time and not many teens will be motivated enough to do something else.

I work with someone btw whose child has applied to a top uni and told me they are using this time to learn Japanese...mine are definitely not doing that

Omg this is me.
Just had an email from school with a long list of work he hasn't completed.
Just makes me feel shit tbh.
Having a bad day which doesnt help.
I'm avoiding parents group WhatsApp as it makes it worse.
Just want to get through this with my mental health intact. (Single parent to 2 teens)

I bet they are exaggerating. I could tell you that my DC are using this time to learn new languages and exercising daily. In truth they ordered 'Teach Yourself' books and CDs from Amazon two weeks ago and have done about 10 mins since then. They do a short walk with me every day, but the gym equipment is mainly used as a laundry pile dump. There's a lot of intention but less activity. A lot of sunbathing and group chat late into the night. And LOTs of eating. It's fine. As PP have said, they spent their teens gaming but now lead successful lives.

Thanks all you've made me feel so much better and I like the idea of a quiz might float that one round. And actually we've had a remarkably successful day by our standards. DS went outside to the back garden for the Easter Egg hunt we'd done and ended up outside playing with the dog for at least 15 minutes and we're both just back from walking the dog together and he talked non stop the whole way mostly about his computer game but there we go and is threatening to cut his own hair this evening. I may have enough to hold my own on Sunday - particularly if he has a go on the new dartboard we've got.

Beansandcoffee - guilty as charged. I do usually moan about DH but as a lockdown partner he's pretty good, bit like the dog who's currently proving his worth.