To think it's hard to be 'thoughtful'

[Eachpeachpearplum1985]

I just cant get the hang of this. People around me seem really good at remembering dates of significant events for friends and family, sending a bunch of flowers or are first to suggest ways to perk people up when they're low. There seems to be collections going around at work for something or other (I never instigate).

For example, my friend had a big event cancelled this weekend. I have spoken to her about it and been sympathetic etc. Just saw on fb that another friend has sent her a gift to cheer her up. Wouldn't have even crossed my mind!

I used to think it was because I have a busy life with young kids etc but this other friend is in the same position. Are some people just better at this stuff or am I just too self involved? 🤔

Are you solely talking about buying stuff for people?

It's a gesture, it's not necessarily "thoughtful".

Is the gift something that she wants? I'm not a, person who wants stuff, so i find 'thoughtful' people annoying.

I think reciprocation is what's important. But an out of the blue nice text is always good to send/receive.

It's just a general 'thinking of you' type of gift. I suppose I sometimes worry that I don't give important events in other people's lives enough thought. Probably because I'm not one for celebrating my own life events in a similar way e.g. hate the idea of having a baby shower, wedding, big birthday party etc.

I feel the same way! I'm not sure. Some people express themselves through giving, others through listening, others doing.

I know I'm not very good at it, maybe there are a few people who really are good in that way and the rest of us just muddle through?

I read on here some years ago about love languages. Some people show love by sending thoughtfully written cards or buying flowers. Some show it by doing practical things like fixing things for you or offering to go shopping if you've got a broken leg. There's others as well but I forget.

Do you just not like these people in the same way? Ie your friend with the cancelled event or colleagues who have birthdays. It's ok not to btw, just takes the pressure off. It just means they're loved by other people instead.

Dunno. On one hand it’s easy to dismiss gifts as just “stuff” and somehow claim our love is expressed in a different language.. but my otherwise lovely DH is very much like this. I’d have to prompt him to ask a dear old friend how they are managing after a big breakup or big life events.. it just wouldn’t occur to him. I’m very empathetic and if I’m thinking of someone I find a way to tell them - through a small gift or a note or something. But it would just never occur to him.

Another thing I find is that doing something like sorting out a gift or sending a text is all a big project for him - something he’ll do “later” when he sits down and has a minute etc - except that never happens. Whereas I just shoot a quick text even if it’s not perfectly composed to let someone know I’m thinking of them, or just order something off amazon and it’s done. Making these minor connection tasks into a big deal means they never get done.

Of course I’m talking about spending small amounts of money that wouldn’t impact a monthly budget or cost less things like a text.

Yes Zaphod , I think you're right. Some people are lovely but thoughtless, i.e. your DH, and possibly the OP. I don't know that it's something you can learn, but maybe manage better, using calendar reminders or something. But to set that up would mean you are thoughtful in the first place.

I think it may be the current situation- I would never normally send gifts or cards but I've sent a couple recently to friends I know who are suffering with MH issues under lockdown. Usually I'd just arrange to see them and talk to them about it but I can't do that so thought a gift/card might be appreciated.

It can work both ways. My example is that I’m what you might consider a “thoughtful” person so last year, to apologise to a friend for a rough patch we went through, I ordered flowers from a florist for delivery. The day after they were delivered, she text me to say she’d given then to her mum.

To say I was upset is an understatement and I will not ever send flowers to anyone ever again. It was a really harsh lesson to learn.

Do you think it’s because you don’t expect a lot from people and therefore it means you don’t naturally think of going to those lengths that others do?

For example I really wouldn’t be bothered if a friend didn’t give me a birthday card, it wouldn’t be something that upset me. I’m not particularly sentimental and don’t expect others to go out of their way for me. It simply wouldn’t bother me.
Other ppl would feel very upset if a friend didn’t send a bday card - they’d feel quite neglected and upset.

Everyone's different. I'm seen as very thoughtful - I always send cards, gifts, letters, keep in touch etc. It's mainly because I enjoy this stuff - a kind of selfish pleasure. I have friends who NEVER remember to send me a card! But they're not unthoughtful. They just place no value on cards etc. They show they care in other ways.

I think in the current circumstances people are making more of an effort because they can't see the people they love. I haven't seen my mam for 3 weeks as she is on lockdown. Today I bought a few bottles of wine and sent them to her by taxi because I know that she wouldn't ask the person who is shopping for her. I also knew that she would be really appreciative of them.

She rang me a while ago all emotional laughing and crying while calling me crazy at the same time but I knew it made her day.

I'm really bad at remembering special dates like birthdays and things. I'm trying to get better at marking them on a calendar or saving them on my phone. I'm also not great at sending cards even when I do remember. I do try and put effort into gift giving but it's not easy when you don't have much cash to spare. Apparently I give thoughtful gifts though.

When my DD was born, the elderly relative of a friend surprised me by sending some nice baby bits over via my friend. I thought that was very thoughtful, especially as I hadn't seen her since I was a teenager. I ordered some flowers to be delivered to her home in return. She didn't receive them. It turned out my friend had given me the wrong door number. I was pretty annoyed at my friend over that. Not for making a mistake, we all do, but because she didn't apologise for it. I was on maternity pay and the flowers were quite expensive for me at that time. I thought that her behaviour was quite thoughtless. It doesn't take much to say sorry. I'm more annoyed about this than I thought considering it's been five years!

I have a friend that was annoyed when I said I wasnt going to do gifts for birthdays / xmas etc because I didnt need anything and I'd rather we spent our money on an evening out together so I suppose yes, I don't really bother with that stuff much myself. What's the point in giving gifts if you don't bother spending time with each other?

Also I'm very close to my family so they are my go to for support and I hope they feel the same about me. Maybe I assume other people have the same?