...to think parenting methods are the opposite of 'natural'

[Wolfgirrl]

I dont mean this to be a goady thread so please dont read it that way.

I've seen a few posts recently concerning parenting 'styles', e.g. attachment parenting, gentle parenting etc etc.

The methods are painted as being the most 'natural' way to raise a child, however how natural can your parenting be if you use a manual?

I always assumed before natural parenting would be just using your own instinct, to me a rulebook is not instinctive and feels a bit prescribed.

Just curious as to what others think, both people that have followed a 'method' and those that haven't.

I have not followed any set method. I guess I sort of fell into "attachment" parenting as I co-sleep and breastfeed but honestly that's because I'm lazy and don't want to get up at night if I don't have to. And I don't think I adhere to the rest of it tbh, although I've not read much about it. I think just going with what works best for you is fine - I know a lot of people who've tried to follow a book/blogger/plan and become frustrated when their baby doesn't do it properly. Just do what you need to!

I really see your point to be honest. I accidentally lean towards attachment parenting, and try to be gentle as much as I can due to a very shouty and angry upbringing, but I’ve never once considered it the natural way of parenting! Really natural parenting would look different with every child/parent surely?

Well...I think if you're trying to do anything that doesn't for with the type of person you are then it's unnatural. If you read a book about attachment parenting and it all sounds wonderful and you're really happy doing it, then I guess it's natural even if you didn't come up with the idea.

*fit, not for.

I'm not entirely convinced there is such a thing as 'natural' parenting.

We're not simple animals. We're influenced by the world, our own upbringing, what people who we respect say... I think there are just a lot of people trying to do their best, whatever their interpretation of best is. I think whether you call it a method or not, no one entirely makes things up on the fly. They tend to ask questions and make decisions based on information/experience.

Personally I feel that so long as your children are fed, clothed and have a safe roof over their heads then all they need is love/attention to flourish. All the other stuff is just the little details that don't really matter.

Even related animal species don't rely entirely on instinct to raise their young. Gorillas and other primates who have been raised in zoos and never learnt from observing their elders often have to be taught (as witness the first gorilla mum in captivity who kept holding her baby upside down).

As plenty of new mums don't have "natural" memories of watching younger siblings or relatives or neighbours' children being raised, books serve as a substitute.

For the record, I didn't use a manual consistently, but I consulted one from time to time, I had support from midwives and HVs, and my own mum stayed with us for a bit after dc were born- also, I had spent a lot of time around extended family and learnt from parents and brothers and sisters-in-law. So not that different from being a well-adjusted gorilla: drawing on flock experience as well as instinct.

Yanbu. I think 'natural' parenting is a combination of instinct, trial and error, bits of advice you've read or been given, doing what your parents did or doing what your parents didn't do and basically trying to work out what works best for you and your kids.

I thought a lot of what I did and intended to do was just "natural instinct" but the experience of seeing children raised in two different cultures has made me realise how much is actually culture-specific rather than instinctive.

I'm willing to bet that your 'instinctive' method mostly consists of things you've subconsciously picked up from several different sources and experiences.

I don’t really understand what ‘natural’ human parenting is supposed to be - like you say, surely that’s just instinctive parenting rather than following a manual. Human’s having been raising babies across the globe in lots of varying cultures for thousands of years - how can you pick out which is the most ‘natural’ from those?

A manual may be needed for women in our society because we are far removed from what's natural, this style of parenting is often practiced by tribal women without a manual

I also wonder how instinctive any of us could really be - many animals just sort of get on with it. I doubt many humans would be able to do so without outside influences and assistance.

It is quite revealing, I think, Pinkblueberry, that other flock-living primates don't seem to be able to "get on with" without someone to learn from.

this style of parenting is often practiced by tribal women without a manual

Not a manual as such, but in a tribe you have a strong community around you to help and advise - and even do some of the childcare for you. Women are thought to have a longer life expectancy than men for this very reason - to support younger women with childbirth and childcare. We definitely haven’t evolved to do this on our own or to just do it instinctively or naturally. Its probably less common in a tribal culture to go off and do your own thing in terms of parenting and choose your own ‘method’.

@TiptopJ thats what I mean by 'natural' parenting, sorry i should've made this clearer. I didnt mean natural in terms of a cot made of bamboo sticks etc, just parenting that comes naturally even if what you're doing isnt the 'done thing' (although I accept a lot of it will be subconsciously picked up).

An example would be breastfeeding; my DD just wouldn't do it when she was a newborn, she was a month early and very small and tired. General advice was to persevere putting her on the breast and see a breastfeeding counsellor etc. I just 'knew' this approach wouldn't work, so I bought a pump (I know, I know, you're not supposed to use one straight away!) and I exclusively pumped for 6 weeks. Then one day I just put DD on the breast and she fed of her own accord.

Others in my antenatal group that struggled pushed on with the breastfeeding counsellor, fought through endless bouts of mastitis and babies not gaining weight. I really felt they has been encouraged into a path that was the most 'natural' on paper but didnt really work for their babies.

Does that make sense I dont know if I'm explaining myself very well!

I think as social creatures we learn what our society considers the 'right way' by observing others as we grow up. This probably is the 'natural' way as we live in such a wide variety of environments. The way a mother in a desert raises her child will be different to how a mother the artic circle raises hers.

Anything that purports to be the ‘one true method’, has a title and rules is just bollocks to sell books if you ask me.

I don't know. I think the things we instinctively go to do as parents comes a lot from your influences so the way you were brought up yourself, what is normal in your culture, what you maybe see on TV. It all subconsciously influences you.

Some of these manuals are getting you to connect with your child and 'unlearn' these influences. So then you parent from a more natural place.

I disagree - we aren't parenting in a vacuum so without books, websites, discussions most people will reenact the parenting they have experienced or that is common within their culture. That doesn't make it natural.

That said, I don't think attachment parenting is especially natural. And even if it is being natural doesn't make something good, that's a fallacy.

We did follow a lot of the attachment parenting, and it worked well for us, but I don't think that's because it is "natural".

I think it's quite useful, generally if someone describes themselves as an 'attachment' parent or following "gentle parenting methods" I know they are not my sort of people and their children will be the badly behaved ones and I can steer mine away from theirs.

You don't need to method parent - you just need to parent properly.

I see what you a mean, we all parent using subconscious bias whether we want to or not. But isnt it better to wait and see what the baby is like/what they need before aiming to follow quite a rigid path?

I dont mean people that just breastfeed and co sleep etc, I more mean people that actively choose to follow one style and work it into every parenting decision they make. Or people that go against what is required in order to fulfil their desire to be a 'type' of mother.

I agree OP. I m thinking about books the like of "how to talk so kids will listen", they are good books, but the way we parents are supposed to speak/ behave is completely unnatural , I try but couldnt do it.

@Wolfgirrl i dont think my post was clear either sorry- I get what you mean and completly agree. Natural is working out what's best for you not following another person's idea of what's best