Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To almost ignore your kids after absence?

68 replies

inbloomfornow · 09/04/2020 15:19

My exh has not seen our children since Friday past.
He chose to spend lockdown with his girlfriend intermittently rather than see the kids as usual... eow and twic weekly for a few hours . He is now unemployed so had hoped he would engage a bit more as it was his work that hindered him from spending more time with the kids by all accounts!
Anyway as she lives away in another city and travels to see him and spend days at his house, I didn't want the kids to spend time there with him due to lockdown restrictions/ cross infection etc . He agreed . He chose her .
He has arrived to our home today to do some basic maintanance . That's not a problem . He is here just under four hours and has hardly acknowledged the kids.
Is this just weird ? Or normal to you???

OP posts:
Bubblebu · 10/04/2020 05:31

OP - I don't know your individual circumstances but my OH left me for girlfriend (now wife + baby five years on) - we had a massive garden (and a massive house which he picked just 8 months before he left me).
I reluctantly got to grips with mowing the lawn / basic weeding etc.
Yes it did my head in in terms of "doing it all for the estate agents" which I was and we never made any money out of the house but I had to do it.
If your exH helps you with any DIY whatsoever I would take it (without making any emotional acknowledgement out of it) - it is better than trying to do it all yourself.
But at the end of the day if he is with someone else - yes you are totally on your own and yes you need to either somehow get him to do it or do it yourself.
That is my take on it but obviously I do not know your personal circumstances. xx

Cheeseismymiddlename · 10/04/2020 05:40

Power washing creates an aerosol that can transfer the virus over great distances. It’s the reason why dentists cannot work.
This on top of every other violation of the rules.
This isn’t about your children . This about 2 grown ups not being able to parent their children together in a way that won’t cause them emotional harm.

givemeacall · 10/04/2020 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springiscoming12 · 10/04/2020 07:12

Power washing creates an aerosol that can transfer the virus over great distances. It’s the reason why dentists cannot work.
Omfg, hysterical much? Surely you must see the difference between a dentist working on a person’s mouth and someone power washing their garden?
OP your ex shouldn’t have come around I’m afraid, but learn from this one and ask him not to come over again until the lockdown is finished. And feel free to ignore some of the crazy posters (like the above) talking absolute nonsense.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/04/2020 07:20

What a gem he seems.
Can't get his own way so throws his weight around some and shows that he can do what he likes, but still won't take any notice of the kids because he's sulking that he couldn't have them AND his GF at his house.

I'd tell him to keep away entirely, in all honesty - and if he comes again, maybe report him.

Cheeseismymiddlename · 10/04/2020 07:52

This.

To almost ignore your kids after absence?
inbloomfornow · 10/04/2020 08:55

Thanks to all who replied.
Can you give
Me context or a link , scientific and research based, in relation to that piece of information that you shared please @Cheeseismymiddlename .

OP posts:
Cheeseismymiddlename · 10/04/2020 09:29

Not specifically to high pressure washers as I’m not even sure there are papers specifically for this. My background is dental and the AGP involved ( aerosol generating procedures) .... but it’s not a great leap to believe the same goes for high pressure cleaning. The aerosol is created and virus can become air Bourne on it.
Happy googling tho .

Frankola · 10/04/2020 09:34

So it's not ok to send your kids to his/hers as its "mixing households" but it is fine for him to come to yours and mix households?

This is exactly the same problem.

You just dont want your kids going near his girlfriend. Be honest.

Thewomeninthemirror · 10/04/2020 10:06

He doesn’t live in the house therefore he shouldn’t be there! It’s that simple.

Incant afford to wait so as it is both our house and it is overrun with weeds and in disarray Biscuit

Umnoway · 10/04/2020 10:14

Just sounds like a classic case of Dad finding a new girlfriend who excites him more than his own children so they inevitably get dropped. Happens all of the time, very sad.

Visitation should stop until lockdown ends imo. I know Gove said it should continue but mixing households completely goes against their advice so I find it odd.

HowCowBrownNow · 10/04/2020 15:56

You just dont want your kids going near his girlfriend. Be honest.

OP has kept he children on lockdown, the girlfriend is moving between two households. OP rightly doesn't want her children exposed. The exH was outside the property so he hasn't been in close contact with his DC. It was his choice to not see them as he wanted his gf to flit between his home and wherever she lives.

springiscoming12 · 10/04/2020 21:12

Cheeseismymiddlename so no scientific basis on what you’re claiming at all then? I’ll pass on googling it and completely wasting my time, thanks.

mathanxiety · 11/04/2020 03:41

Thewomeninthemirror

It's not that simple. As long as the house is partly his he can come and go as he pleases, even let himself in, cook a meal, use the loo, take a nap on the couch. He can insist on no alterations to the house.

It is incredibly frustrating to be a woman stuck in this position, still tied to a man who uses ties to throw his weight around.

mathanxiety · 11/04/2020 03:43

Visitation should stop until lockdown ends imo. I know Gove said it should continue but mixing households completely goes against their advice so I find it odd.

God forbid that anything should get in the way of men exercising their rights.

flirtygirl · 11/04/2020 05:17

mathanxiety
Men and women do not have visitation rights. It's the children's rights to see both parents.

Nothing to do with men's rights.

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 06:00

Would you still have given him this same choice if he was a key worker or lived with one? Or what if had given you the choice of boot any live-in partner who was a key worker or don't see the children?

However, based on what you have posted you make no sense tbh. You don't want him to be physically in contact with the children so is seeing them through the window. Yet even though he is keeping his distance, obviously he cannot communicate as he would normally do, he is still doing so. But somehow he is in the wrong.

The gardening is ridiculous none essential work that over the past however long you could have been tackling this. But instead, you chose to prioritise certain aspects of a home and the garden has become to the point of its current state. It's irrelevant what he did prior to the separation, now he will realise the place needs doing up as potentially it might need to be sold. Not everyone walks away with the family home after all.

Who knows maybe your ideas were ridiculous and most people would burst out laughing. Instead of you deciding to walk away and stop engaging, you decided instead to close the blind which effectively ended contact. How did that benefit the children? They should not be brought into these squabbles.

You have shown them that it is you that is stopping them from talking to him. Whatever issues you have you really need to find ways to deal with them without including the children. They will remember this and if either of you tries the blame game in future about this, you will come across as the bad guy either way.

Its all well and good saying visitation should be suspended. Erm, what about the detrimental impact on children? What about their legal right to see their parents? As adults, we should be able to cope even when a relationship ends. Children don't have these tools needed to deal with this. Their worlds have already been turned upside down from the separation, on top of that the usual family stuff that can happen, on top of that CV19, and now one of the few things that maintain a small resemblance of normality for those children, they are now supposed to not see their parent even from the outside looking in assuming, of course, there are no injunctions in place already to prevent the person from going to the home. They aren't allowed to talk to the other parent even by observing the distancing rules in place, why not?

Firecarrier · 11/04/2020 06:18

@Mortforya

Excellent post.

This virus has really shown some British people up for the nasty little people they are. Disgusting.

I think some of you must salivate when you see someone might have broken the rules.

I'm really sorry for you OP, it must be heartbreaking knowing your children's father doesn't really care all that much about them Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.