really need advice.
i broke up with my ex last april after just 10 months together (not long i know but it felt like the one) the relationship broke down because a couple of months before i met him i'd had a termination that i felt backed into, and i hadn't given myself time to grieve before getting in a relationship again - so i basically didn't know how to cope with my regret, and i would sometimes get very drunk and just cry and get a bit crazy. i understand why he ended it, i don't really blame him when i look back on it.
i then met my current partner and started a new relationship 4 months after my ex ended things. at first it was great, and i didn't really think of my ex at all, but then in February my boyfriend slapped me and i was really upset, and my ex was the person i told first because we're still friends. i ended up meeting him to catch up and talk to him about the slap (a lot more surrounding it, i didn't know how i felt but was sure i was going to end my relationship). i ended up kissing him. nobody saw, so i haven't told my current partner because to me, when he slapped me, i thought i was going to end it anyway and in my head i kind of think fuck it, he deserved it. (i know i'll probably get slated for this but anyway).
since then my current relationship has been okay, but sometimes i just feel so detached from him. i have dreams about my ex a lot, sometimes i wake up and forget that my boyfriend is my boyfriend, and not my ex. i think about my ex more than is normal, i miss him. he was fun and family oriented, and my current relationship is different. he's unrealistic about money (wants to rent somewhere £1k a month when we can barely afford the £550 we're currently paying, etc), he avoids my family get-togethers, etc.
i dunno. i don't really know what i'm even asking. i don't think i'd end up getting back with my ex if i was single but i just also don't think its fair to be in a relationship with someone that i'm not giving 100% to. this post is a mess, sorry, i just need some advice please?