Terribly sensitive ... have I really changed ?

[inbloomfornow]

All my life I have reacted badly to criticism in that I almost feel sucker punched when people have said nasty things or insulted me. Words from my mother and siblings have stuck with me through my life and at 46 , I really hope I have done my
Best to overcome this with counselling and good life long personal and professional friendships.I've never really felt loved by my mother who has passed 13 years ago. She spent her time Telling me how selfish I was ( eldest of Many siblings who didn't want to come home every weekend from uni to mind siblings etc, compared
Me To Dad whom-she deeply disliked despite staying with him and I loved him very much etc) she made no secret of her love for my sister closest in age to me which hurt as you can imagine .
However when I think about relationships with men, I have always allowed lines to be crossed and boundaries to be broken.
I have been recently left by my husband of 12 years having put him front and centre of the family all out time together. I can see that he is a selfish man child who needs a mother and not a partner .I feel Free to a certain degree .I will not allow him
Back.I know he has done me a favour.
Previous relationships have involved me being over invested and ultimately let down 9/10'times.
I am a decent sort, very boundaried
with many colleagues, friends and family now and am Fortunate to have great relationships with them.

I'm Worried about relationships in the future however. I have been so hyper sensitive to criticism in the past that I've allowed myself to be treated badly or used or walked over.
Always at great pains to prove I am
Not selfish.
I've had counsellling for months and my counsellor thinks that my next relationship will see me seek an equal ,who will add to my life as a want, instead of a need... but why do I feel worried about this? Is it really possible to strengthen up that much or how does one avoid the same pitfalls ? Thanks.

I'm sure it's rambling but I'm
Trying to unpick this .

Any ideas for books or podcasts to support and reinforce these boundaries with men?

You feel worried because you haven't done it yet. You may have done all the theory but you haven't put it into practice.

It's entirely possible that you might make mistakes a few times. The important thing is not to think "oh, obviously I haven't changed after all" but to decide "oh, that's what that boundary looks like! well, I'll know that one next time"

Being criticised and being treated badly are different things.

As part of being treated badly, being criticised was definitely
One of the more hurtful aspects to it.
I don't see how different they are when the sentiment arises from the same person who is negative towards you .

I wonder also about my chances of meeting someone.
I am very average looking , a little overweight, time
Poor, three kids , two with their own issues. An exh who has his kids when it suits him ( currently With ow most days as he has made the choice to have her visit from another city so no kids going to his at the moment) I just don't feel I could be hugely appealing to anyone.
Perhaps I am Just exhausted, overwhelmed and hormonal. I just can't see a future with the benefit of a lovely male companion and I would dearly love for that to come into my life without the fear of being fucked over again.

Thanks. Any more thoughts on this please?

Anybody?? Shameless bump

I don't have any podcasts/books to recommend...maybe you should consider talking to your therapist about this?

I think you need to give yourself a bit of time and trust yourself...you are a very different person than the one you were when you met you ex...

Focus on you. That is the only thing you can control. What can you do to make yourself feel good?

You sound lovely and I’m sure there are men out there who would appreciate you.

When you’re older though I think is better to open your mind a bit to potential partners.

Have your therapy (can be done over the phone) and start dating.

Have you read 'A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You' by Anne Dickson?

No I haven't . I will look for it.

Thanks

Maybe focus on what you want from a partner rather than on your imagined shortcomings?

Also: at the first hint of disrespect, get the hell out of there, no matter how lovely they are in every other way. People sometimes hurt each other’s feelings by accident, but if they respect you they apologise. Anyone who tells you you’re too sensitive is almost by definition insensitive.

Have you ever had a really good friend you could actually trust? A good relationship should feel like that, with extra erotic excitement. It’s not rocket science; it’s basically attraction + respect.

Thanks for your wise words

My dh is very very sensitive.
The only advice I can offer really is:
Now that you appear to know yourself very well, know your own boundaries and be open and honest with any potential partner about what you need or want. If you feel hurt, say so, and maybe you could add “Though I recognise that I may be taking it to heart too much”.
I sometimes eyeroll at dh’s sensitivity (depending on the circumstances) but in the main, I live and respect him, so I take it seriously when he says he’s hurt even if I don’t agree that I’ve said something hurtful. His feelings matter to me. I hope you can find someone who values your feelings.

Thanks