Dh doesn't want to celebrate birthday with me

[Coffeeandcrumpets]

I'm fully prepared to be told i am being unreasonable and probably just need a reality check. In this current climate, like every one else, my anxiety is very up and im over thinking a lot.

Anyway, dh has a big birthday coming up much later in the year. We were discussing what to do for it. We have a lot of friends that are couples and i suggested just going out for drinks with everyone. He said, 'nah, boys night out. I'll just invite the boys.' he then suggested i should get together with the ladies, so not really depriving me of a night out. No doubt, we will still go out for dinner with the kids as well, but i think the night out will be the main birthday celebration.

Am i being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed he doesn't want to spend the occasion with me. On another note, occasionally, on our group night out, i would check in on him, making sure he was having a good night and he have said, 'why aren't you with the ladies?' which has also annoyed me.

I'm prepared to be told I'm unreasonable and may just need a kick up the bum!

The fact that he wants a boy's night out wouldn't bother me, especially as you say you'll probably celebrate by going out to dinner together as a family anyway. But when your social circle all go out together as couples he expects you to leave him alone and stay with the "ladies"? That is really odd. It's like Downton Abbey where the "ladies" all have to retire to the drawing room after dinner so the men can smoke cigars and talk about important men's things

I had my 50th earlier this year. It was a lunch for 10 of my friends Dh and the kids were not invited. On my birthday we celebrated as a family with a lovely day. didn't occur to me. They would mind (and I just asked and they are all. Were no why would I mind?).

I would be upset.

No I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting to celebrate your husbands birthday with him at all. He also isn't unreasonable wanting a lads night out. Can you do both? My DH loves any excuse for a lads night out and would always want one with them for his birthday, and I'd always want the same with my friends, but birthdays we always take each other for a meal (other person organises restaurant, bar for after etc and to be honest that's a birthday present in itself in my eyes!)

It's fine for him to want a night out with just his mates, but are you celebrating separately just the two of you and/or as a family? If it was my partner and that was the only way the birthday was being marked but I was excluded, I wouldn't be thrilled.

As a side note I find the 'ladies' / 'lads' thing so dated and cringe especially when you're no longer in your teens / twenties. Does he have a different persona when he's just with the 'boys'?

I have a big birthday later in the year and my husband suggested we all go out as couples. The thing is as much as his friends partners are my friends, I'm not that keen on his friends! Would much rather have a night with my husband, and a separate night out with my friends (which actually would include a lot of his friends partners) Maybe he feels similar

But you'll also be celebrating with a meal with family? So he's doing both - something with you and something with the boys.

Sounds like he feels a bit crowded by you. Does he get much opportunity to go out with his friends?

@Coffeeandcrumpets I really wouldn’t message OH when he’s on a night out, checking he’s having a nice time. In the nicest way possible, he’s not your child at a birthday party.
I’m not saying my way is the right way, but I do think it’s better to leave someone to it when they’re on a night out

I think people's daydreams of What They'll Do When They Can Finally Go Out can be a bit bizarre at the moment and may not always closely correspond to what they'll actually do when the time comes. So things may change. Anyway, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with his wanting both a night out with his friends and a meal with you and the family. It's not as though he didn't want a meal with you at all. It may be that he doesn't feel relaxed with some of your friends/ his friends' partners, rather than anything to do with you. Having said all that, all these references to 'the boys' versus 'the ladies' do seem a bit odd in the 21st century. If it's part of a general sexism, I'd worry; otherwise not.

YABU - it’s his birthday, so his choice. Also, he’s going to have a meal with you and the kids. I don’t think there’s any problem with that

Thank you for all your replies so far. Tbh, he doesn't normally have a 'boys night out' and we do more couple things. It just so happens that's how our friendship group has formed. hes thinking, 'ohh its a big birthday. Excuse for a boys night out. Haven't done that in ages.' There is probably a need there for him to have more 'quality bloke time' which is underlying all this.

YABMostlyU

• it’s his birthday, so he should be able to choose how he celebrates it. I personally hate couples things. It is so forced because the wives of my husbands mates are NOT my friends or women I’d choose to be friends with. Similarly, the husbands of my friends are not friends with my husband. So celebrating with his friends should be ok by you.
• he is still going to do a celebration with just you and family, so that is good. Because if he were just celebrating with friends, then YWNBU to feel left out or ignored.
• YABU to text him while he is out “checking he’s having a good time” that’s really annoying to be honest. My husband doesn’t check up on me when I go out with my friends. They’re my friends, of course I’m going to have a good time!

YABU texting him on a night out unless its communicating something. Nothing wrong with 'hope you're having a good night' but I wouldn't expect a response. You live together right?

Unless you mean while you're actually out together? In which case that's a really weird set up!

Sorry, i probably wasn't clear. I check in on him, as in, go up to him, make sure he is ok etc on a night out together.