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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not report my neighbours?

47 replies

PikachuAndMe · 08/04/2020 01:06

My elderly neighbours (80+) have had family visiting. Their daughter, her husband and their son (who live in Sussex, we're in London) arrived in the morning and were still there late afternoon as I could see them relaxing in the garden so it wasn't a quick stop to drop essentials.

AIBU to not report them as it is mainly their own health they are putting at risk?

OP posts:

user1635896324685367 · 08/04/2020 08:16

Under the CV legislation over 70s are defined as "vulnerable" and people are permitted to travel to vulnerable people to provide care, food, medicine, household maintenance and upkeep...

I'd love to know why all this enthusiasm for reporting the neighbours to the police for trivialities and things that aren't crimes isn't there when people are witnessing domestic violence. Hardly anyone bothers to call the police for help for their neighbour or to give a statement then - "none of my business".

mooboy · 08/04/2020 08:17

My brother and sister in law visit my parents - very elderly, very fragile health - they clean, do the laundry and stock the fridge - without them my parents could not cope.
The carers are in twice a day - up to 14 different carers every week - with no PPE - I'm more worried about them to be honest)

Bluetrews25 · 08/04/2020 08:42

They didn't all need to come if it was a genuine welfare check.
This sounds like a barbie in the garden - a social visit - but without the barbie, and people get very upset about those happening now - with reason.
But they have probably long gone now so no point reporting anyone.

SureTry · 08/04/2020 09:39

You don't know what their circumstances are. I remember seeing a lady on the news who had a terminal illness. They were discussing the government advise for those who had 6 months left to live and how they can choose whether they self isolated or not.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 08/04/2020 09:45

How do you know all this, do you watch your neighbour's every move and who comes and goes?

Doesn't everyone at the moment, not much else to do!

HerLadySheep · 08/04/2020 09:53

Our lovely neighbours have "consolidated" households, their mother had moved in due to a sudden tragic non-Covid death. They all needed additional support, spoke to Dr who agreed that it was ok and told us just in case we thought they were flouting rules.

There are sometimes good reasons why the rules cannot be absolutely followed to the letter.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/04/2020 09:54

Personally my adult children dont visit me, they have made brief calls and spoken to us throf contact through a closed window. I wouldnt report them but if I was friendly enough with them and you are able to speak(from a suitable distance) I think I woud say something to the effect that I was concerned that the family had visited and maybe it would be a good idea to talk to them about a safer way. Concern rather than report. To those who sa its ok to visit for a welfare check, no sadly it is not. I am not yet 80 but all my family know this and we are no longer helping with childcare

Alrightharry · 08/04/2020 09:56

You don't know the facts, stay out of it.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/04/2020 09:56

I wouldn't, I can't see the police making this a priority

dannydyerismydad · 08/04/2020 10:00

My elderly neighbour had a house full of visitors on Saturday. On Sunday they passed away. The family may not have followed the rules, but if I had been notified my parent had less than 24 hours to live I'd probably ignore guidance too.

thegcatsmother · 08/04/2020 13:01

I visit my Mum once a week to pick up her shopping list, do her shopping, then take it to her. There is no one else but me to do it as my brother is abroad with HM Forces.

clareOclareO · 08/04/2020 13:08

Report them.

Riojasmoothy · 08/04/2020 13:18

I find all this eagerness to "report" people absolutely repugnant.
What could it possibly achieve?
You don't know the circumstances.
My elderly neighbours have their daughter visit for a couple of hours a day. Sometimes with her child.
I know, but other neighbours probably are unaware that it is because the daughter cares for her mother, bathing her, changing her dressings, and cooks for them both. They sometimes sit in the garden if she is well enough and have (heaven forbid) a cup of tea. Should they resort to a troop of carers from an agency instead with a far wider spread of social mixing?
They would be incredibly upset to be reported.
I know of another lady who visits her daughter because she struggles with her mental health and is often suicidal. Should she also #staythefuckathome and hope a phonecall is enough?
Worry about your own behaviour and stop gaining smug enjoyment from this novelty of grassing people up.

Macncheeseballs · 08/04/2020 13:21

Report the feckers

Alrightharry · 08/04/2020 13:30

Well said @Riojasmoothy

Pipandmum · 08/04/2020 13:33

Not sure what the point of reporting them is. But for all the posters who say 'sounds like they were socially distancing in the garden' I cannot believe it. Did they walk through the house? Did they go to the loo? If it was ok to visit whomever but just keep apart then what it the point of lock down. There was no reason to visit. You can drop things at the door. You can call some one to find out if they are ok. Any one of those visitors could have had the virus, and now they have surely deposited some trace of it within the home. People wonder why there keeps on being new infections despite lock down? This is why.
As for saying several carers go in to a house so what's one more, well those carers are carrying a risk. But now so are you and have more chance of catching it from any one of those carers and spreading it yourself the next time you go out. Minimising risks is the key. Every one can come up with some reason they are exempt from following the rules - quite a few in this thread alone. If you think your relatives cannot cope on their own, move in and STAY THERE.

Riojasmoothy · 08/04/2020 13:41

"If you think your relatives cannot cope on their own, move in and STAY THERE."

Simplifying a problem that can be far more complex. Would you suggest my neighbour's daughter moves her family in with her to the elderly couples bungalow, leaves her children alone or move the parents into her two bed terrace?
If you don't know the circumstances then you don't have the solution.

Original poster

PikachuAndMe · 08/04/2020 14:03

Looks fairly even with not reporting having the edge. I shall stick to my feeling of not reporting them unless they have repeated visitors.

The neighbours are totally self sufficient normally and the daughter usually only visits once a month so I was surprised to see her especially with the rest of the family and as the grandson is late teens (he drives) he did not need to come. I hope they stay well.

OP posts:

sundaymorningfeeling · 08/04/2020 16:57

The point you are missing is that it's very likely they can't be self sufficient at the moment!

I'm driving my parents shopping on a 3 hour round trip next week as one of them is in the shielded group.

I'll put the groceries on the doorstep (having sanitised them before I come) and sit on a fold out chair in the garden 2m from them for a chat before they leave.

From your perspective, I'm doing something wrong?!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/04/2020 18:30

OP my next door neighbour is 67 and retired in fine health,I said at the start of this if she needed any shoppin gor anything to yell out and I wold gladly assist her in any way I could. So far today she has had her son there from 30 miles away with his 2 primary aged school kids,then her daughter and her 3 dogs then 2 of her adult grandsons...all for their own entertainment. I am beyond livid.I do see where you are coming from but her behaviour stinks.The whole I am ok Jack smugness is shocking.My husband said report her but I didnt.The reason I didnt was purely my fuck her attitude. If she wants to act like a total bell end then let her but he wont get my help when she comes knocking on my door.Her attitude and behaviour is scandalous. I have seen so many things with someof my neighbours ofwhom I would never have expected such daft behaviour it has literally made me sick their attitudes.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 08/04/2020 19:26

OP have you spoken with your neighbours to check they’re ok and have you asked if you can help with their shopping or picking up prescriptions? No? Then mind your own business, you don’t know how vulnerable your elderly neighbours are and how much they rely on those visits for basics like food and medicine.

Original poster

PikachuAndMe · 09/04/2020 09:31

@NorthernBirdAtHeart Actually I am on good terms with the neighbours and I have helped them out in the past with various things. I have spoken to them and checked if they need help. They are sorted as there is an amazing volunteer group here shopping and delivering food and medicines. I am shopping for my parents and in laws and another vulnerable person so would help them too (still observing social distancing).

OP posts:

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