to wonder if life would be easier without dh?

[Torfhinn]

Sometimes I feel like I have 3 children, not 2. I do the majority of the housework, he never cooks, cleans the toilet, changes the bed sheets, or does any laundry. I do the food shopping. He will do a few bits like loading the dishwasher. But he normally works full time and me part time.
Since lockdown, he's been furloughed. He's helping with some laundry and trying to tidy the house. He's struggling to manage with the kids (3 and 5), resorting to tv or tablets every day. He's snapping at them and missing time on his own. He says he can't cope, that every day (that I am at work) they'll be watching tv, eating crisps. Like he's giving up.
I feel so let down by him. I feel like this situation is exposing his worst qualities. I wonder if life would be simpler if I didn't have to look after him as well.
He has depression (on meds) so this make me feel mean being so demanding/ frustrated with him.
We get along but don't have much in common anymore.
I don't want to ruin our family, I don't want to split, but right now I feel like life would be easier without him. Would it?

Yes.

Sounds miserable.

Yes, it would probably be easier without him, sadly.

Yes. It would be easier.

Yes it would.

I really feel for you, that sounds really tough, but I also have sympathy for him if he's got depression - is he getting support? Is the medication helping?

If a woman was struggling with daily chores because she had depression, there would be sympathy for her.

I sometimes feel like that with DH; I think this situation is highlighting how many men are not used to looking after their children so much or spending so much time with them. My DH is stepping up but he’s not used to it and I don’t blame him for that as the way our lives have worked out that is that he works a lot so I’m naturally at home more.

Depression is fuck all excuse for inflicting misery on the people around you.

He sounds like deadweight, sorry.

I haven't read your post, but yes

His depression had been well managed with meds to the point where he's was considering lowering his dose recently. He's 'not interested' in other help I've suggested such as cbt or mindfulness.
We tick along ok while things are good but if I get sick or we get stuck in a global pandemic, the cracks show.
This is not the first time I've thought about whether our relationship is worth it, but the thought of destroying what we have built up is terrifying. And feels soooooo selfish 😥

It sounds like it would be. Making the decision to act on that isn’t an easy one though and you can’t even try being apart for a bit.

Yes.. I feel the exact same

Together for 17 years, married for 6 years

I think if we split I'd feel free.
But we have young kids, I'd be so selfish

It sounds like things are okay if you're okay, but as soon as you need the support from him, he lets you down and just doesn't/can't step up. I suppose it could be the depression, but equally it could just be his personality - what was he like pre-diagnosis? And wonder if something triggered his poor mental health?

Does he acknowledge his behaviour and how it affects you when you've discussed how you feel?

Sorry that's a lot of questions! It does sound really frustrating for you, you deserve to be supported.

@TheFutureMrsHardy look up male suicide rates, it's extremely tragic how many middle aged men kill themselves. I wonder how many of those killed themselves because they felt like dead weights and lost all hope. :(

Tell him to step up. Ask him to set up a routine. Give him a hand he needs it.
I know he shouldn’t need it but it’s better than what’s going on currently.
What hours do you need him to look after the kids?
Just think of a vague plan like 9-10 they do an activity like play doh or drawing
10-11.30 play in the garden or go for a walk
Then lunch and tv tablet time after that.
Same with chores.
Then suggest some personal alone time for the two of you.
Sometimes a plan works well and it gives you something to navigate back to when routines go out of the window.

Yes
A million times easier
I’ve done it and things are much happier and lighter and he is happier too .. even though he moved ages away and hardly sees his kids

He is the one who left though so decision taken or my hands, glad he did though 😂🙈

Stranger - I think it's his personality as well. He's not a doer or a coper. Quite introverted, doesn't have or need a lot of friends.
When I tell him how I feel he feels attacked. Like all I do is complain about him and make him feel inadequate.
Fog head- I have done this. I've suggested a routine, he dismissed it. I've suggested taking them for a walk, he just said 'not doing that'. He'll go if I'm there but won't take them on his own, finds it all too stressful.

I think it's his personality as well. He's not a doer or a coper. Quite introverted, doesn't have or need a lot of friends.

It sounds like you've done a great job of coping, and I don't think it's selfish whatsoever to consider your happiness (and sanity!).

While I do have sympathy for anyone suffering with depression please do remember, whatever he's going through, it's his responsibility to help himself and if you would feel freer without him, I don't think anyone could blame you at all for wanting to seperate.

Would it really be easier without one full time income?

I have depression and anxiety.

Sounds to me like he uses it as an excuse. Probably better off without him.

But we have young kids, I'd be so selfish

No. Think of the example that they are currently being set. Disinterested male role model. Overworked, underappreciated mother. If you left, this would change to overworked mother only (majority of DMs are overworked). Nobody there to underappreciate you, to bring you down and make you miserable. I know it's very Nethuns to say 'Happy mum, happy kids' but it's only a cliche because it's true.