Am I doing the right thing?!

[mw1985]

Hi, first time posting on here so hopefully I’m not duplicating another thread!

At the current time with everything that is going on, I have decided not to have my children over at my house (normally have them every other weekend).

Their mother has not taken this well and is saying that I’m ‘trying to get out of having them’ even though I have never missed a weekend of mine in the past.

I am trying to do the safest thing for everybody, she also has two young children with her new partner.

I just wondered what everybody else is doing in this situation and if I’m maybe going about it the wrong way?

Thanks

@mw1985 are you working out with the home? Are you doing anything your ex wouldn’t be doing?

So you’ve decided to opt out of parenting for the foreseeable? Yes YABU, children of separated parents can travel between homes.

YABU - the kid’s health is the most important thing

One of the rare times I feel a bit sorry for NRPs.
Those that want to see their kids are banned as they went to tesco a week last thursday and their mum sneezed in the same week
To the other extreme... those that dont want to due to health and advice are slated too!
If I was in your situation, I would have a rough calculation of "your missed time" and offer to take them away for a 2 week holiday at the end of this?

Yanbu my kids are at home safe with me. I don't know where there father has been, who he has come in contact with, if he has come in contact with the virus. He misses them but he can make up for it when this is over and see the kids more if he wants to.

My brother isnt seeing his son but its because he stays with my mum and she's had the shielding letter so it's more dangerous for her if his son comes back and forth from his mum's house. They're both really missing each other which is understandable.

Me, my oh and his ex are all key workers. We also have a toddler and his girls live 3 hours drive away. For the minute they are video calling because that is the safest thing

The government guidance is clear that shared custody arrangements are still permitted. I think it's sensible to have a conversation about that, given the current circumstances, and make sure that everyone is okay to continue as normal. But unless you are high risk and need to be shielded, no, I don't think you should be just deciding not to have your children any more.

What’s your reason for not seeing them?

TBH it does sound a bit of a cop out rather than about it being safer for all.

When the children are with you, you will be the only vector outside of their regular home that they meet. So posing a minimal risk to the rest of that family.

By using the same logic, the only vectors your children will meet in their regular home will be their mum, step parents and half siblings. Children are generally not going out for more than a walk around the block. I assume in the absence of other information, none of you are keyworkers and are working from home for the duration. So again, pose less risk to the children and therefore to you than parents who have to work.

The journey to and from each others homes is a permitted journey so there is no wriggling out using that as an excuse.

Right now everything has been turned upside down for your children. Unless you are symptomatic, ill or have an incredibly good reason as to why your children shouldn't see you once a fortnight, you should maintain the normal contact routine. It could well be that your ex is finding home challenging with trying to occupy a group of children of varying ages and your children being able to spend time with their dad would relieve some of that pressure.

Don't underestimate the effect living confined to quarters at the moment. DH and I are lucky in that we are both key workers. I look forward to my once a fortnight work day (we are on skeleton staff rota) as a change from the drudge of being home and trying to teach children who have no interest in school if they don't have to go. And I say this as someone who was a SAHM for 8 years, back at work just before all this kicked off. I didn't realise how much better I felt for being out of the home.

YANBU.

While yes, it’s “allowed”, obviously the spirit of lockdown is to stop movement between households.

However, you definitely should pay more maintenance to cover costs and put extra effort into seeing them online etc, and asking your ex how you can support her as she shoulders all the parenting.

We aren’t having my DSD as we have young children and so does her mum so all decided it was safer for her just to remain in one place; not easy but seemed safest

Also her mum is vulnerable and my DH works in London which is the main reason behind the decision

It really depends on the risks.

Kids are allowed to move between homes. If both parents are wfh and social distancing and aren’t in the vulnerable category then you probably should have them as normal.

But if one parent is vulnerable or if one parent is being exposed through work then it may be in the child’s interests to stay with one parent. Same if step parent or someone else in one household

If the risk is the same between houses then normality should be maintained as much as possible. Is any if the adults a key worker or is everyone working/staying at home?

If the latter then you should carry on.

Well my ex hasn't seen his kids for four weeks. Before that he regularly cancelled or brought them home early.
So I'm totally pissed off with him, but I'm not surprised at his getting out of parenting antics
His latest was to ask if the kids needed any food,asked me for a list, and replied that he didn't have time to run around doing my shopping and had a life to lead. So yeah.