To feel sad that I have two failed marriages behind me?

[Nailpolishhoarder]

I grew up in a practising Muslim household, so there was no dating boyfriend/girlfriend etc, you either got married or not. So I got married at age 19 to a guy same age as me, it lasted 12 months because it was long distance and he met someone else. I got divorced at 20, met someone else at 21 and got married literally 2-3 months later. I fell pregnant fairly quickly and stopped working, never went back. That marriage ended 18 months ago, because he was the typical man child. Worked 9-5, and when he wasn’t working he would play PS4 all night, watch sports or go out with his friends. I was on my own with three children, running around like a headless chicken doing everything whilst he did zero. I know I shouldn’t have had children with him, but I loved him and thought he would change, he told me he would. I couldn’t go on anymore, so I initiated the divorce.

My parents were not happy with me getting married so young, they are very much into education and getting your life sorted before marriage. My younger sister is a junior doctor and my brother works as an accountant with KMPG, so I know they are disappointed with me.

I also feel sad that I have two failed marriages behind me, and I’m only 30. I mean, who would want me? I would be wary of a guy with 2-3 failed marriages behind him, wouldn’t you? I’m currently working on myself, understanding where I went wrong and not rush in to marriage, and get to know the person properly. I would like to get married again in the next 5-7 years but until then I just want to work on myself.

I believe life is about learning from your mistakes - so if you think you have made some, you are growing as a person by having recognised this.

I would strongly advise you focus solely on yourself and children for now, very important in this day and age for them to have someone to look up to in all aspects. Don't really think getting married should even be in your mind at the moment.

Get yourself a career/vocation that you can be really proud of, get your self confidence back on track. Take care of yourself and your body. Keep working on these things until you are happy with yourself. Don't be afraid to start and get going. It is going to be tough, but once you are where you want to be and equally importantly the children are in a great position where they can handle mum being remarried. (with a husband that truly, truly does accept them and their existence) then think about remarrying, is what I would say.

I was told that I would be seen as "having something wrong with me and not understanding about emotions" for not having been married or divorces by late 20s. This was by someone who had been divorced twice. So there will be people out there who see your situation as a plus.

You are still so young. You have had your family, now go and get a career.

If you want to get married again in 5-7 years then it really doesn’t sound like you’re learning anything.

Marriage is not the be all and end all.

Why not focus on yourself, and your children?

On getting the education you missed? On building a career that you’d like?

If you meet someone and down the line want to marry, then great! But I don’t think it should be your goal. Is that why you rushed the last one? Because you just wanted to be married?

Why is it so important to be a wife?

No problem - focus on the positive. You have beautiful children who hopefully will reach adulthood when you're still in your early 40s. Even from that date you have at least 25 years left in the workforce, so this is a great time to work on your education, self love and mental wellbeing. Not for your parents but for yourself (which your children will benefit from by proxy).

Try not to focus on the failure but work on yourself, figure out what your core values are and align every area of your life with your values. And when it comes to picking your next partner, find one who has the same core values as you and take your time.

You are not a failure - you're just assessing your life on other people's opinions and standards. You successfully decided to walk out of a marriage that wasn't working for you or the children- a decision that will benefit you and the children in the long term.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. I think the personal growth you will achieve from working through all this will make you more inspiring and centred than anyone with a more 'standard' life story who was never prompted to grow like that.

Marraige is not the be all and end all. Focus on you and your children. Get skilled, go back to university. Don’t let a man define how successful you are in life

If you want to get married again in 5-7 years then it really doesn’t sound like you’re learning anything
Absolutely.
I have one failed marriage and would never marry again.
Why do you think marriage is so important?
Work on that.

Don't beat yourself up about the 2 marriages. They happened and you can't change that. Also, being married twice by 30 doesn't preclude you from still going off to have a dazzling career, should you wish that for yourself.

But for now I think it's really positive that you have decided to focus on yourself. I would extend that statement and suggest you shower yourself with huge amounts of compassion and kindness.

You say you feel sad when you think about anyone else wanting you after your failed marriages. Understandable, but I would suggest that thought doesn't really serve you. How about swapping out that thought for something that makes you feel better? For example, maybe you want to feel "hopeful" rather than "sad"? What would you need to think to feel hopeful? How about "I am courageous." (Because I would definitely suggest you are courageous - many others would have sat it out with the man-child).

Or perhaps you want to feel "determined". What would you need to think? "I can rely on myself"? Something like that.

These are just examples of ways to help you starting to move from sad and I hope it helps. I have tons more to say but don't want to hog the screen! DM me if you'd like to hear more. I think you're off to a great start

You need to focus on yourself. Get to uni if you need to (a professional qualification would be better than an academic one at this stage as it may guarantee a job), focus on raising your kids right, and don’t even consider remarriage until your children are grown up.

@OhCaptain Because being married is the only way I can have a relationship as a Muslim. Obviously I’m talking about once I’ve done all the work on myself, I want to go to university and work, travel and make memories with my children and then hopefully find someone. I’m only 30, I don’t want to be alone forever. Marriage is not my main goal, but I’d like to find someone in the future. I’m not doing OLD or anything like that, I want it to happen naturally and if it doesn’t then not much I can do. But it’s not like I’m going to go out there and actively searching for it, I want to enjoy my life with my children first.

But honestly would you guys not be a bit if the guy had been married twice before? What would you think?

I think it would be much sadder if you had remained married to either of these men.
Your marriages didn't fail - your husbands were failures.

Tbh I wouldn’t even count the first marriage as a proper separation and divorce. It may have been legally, but realistically it was a standard “Got together too young and it just didn’t work out” situation that most people will have experienced at some point in their early adulthood.

You’re being really hard on yourself. You’re obviously very capable and you must have some ambition if you are envious of your siblings careers. Take the time to do something for yourself that you’re proud of, whether that’s retraining or going to college etc. The rest will fall into place.

I think it's your attitude that's causing you issues.

One woman's 'failed marriage' is another's "thank god i don't have to wake up next to him every day for the next 60 years!"

I think it would be much sadder if you had remained married to either of these men.

Also this x 100

I would focus on you. If mr right comes along that's great but don,t rush into anything. 2-3m isn,t long before getting married. The past is the past learn from it.