I cannot cope

[Cannotcope4223]

Hi. Long time lurker, name changed but first time poster here... and I think I’m finally about to break.

My thoughts are zooming about all over the place and I don’t want to drip feed but I just cannot cope with everything that’s happened in my life this last few years. I just keep going over situations that continually keep going wrong and it must be my fault.

I’m a 36 year old single Mum, lovely 7 year old DS. Separated from a controlling, lazy twat whom I co parent ok with but finally getting divorced and awaiting a Decree Absolute but thats now gone up the creek with everything thats going on.

Today I was let go with immediate effect by my bully of a boss. We’ve had our run ins and I’m senior finance staff but the only one asked to come in and not furloughed. After a miscommunication about something (he has spent virtually all of the small business profits this year in his hobby) he decides he can’t retain me and told me I’m no longer needed. I’m in shock. I’m skint and reliant on my part time role and tax credits. I’m massively in debt from mistakes from my marriage and have been actively looking for a better job but where I live (rural Ireland) theres nothing doing.

I’m studying and had just got a bursary before the colleges shut but struggling to concentrate and catch up on the reading while my little boy is home. Just met my dream man after a 2 year abusive relationship, and he really is a wonderful person. I’m very wary and cautious of men and was happily single but he really stepped up - we live a long distance apart but he has made every effort to get to know me and is lovely in the first few weeks. I then ask very directly about his history and guess what? He’s married. On the verge of separating. Fucking twat.

I various other ways I’ve just had bad luck, lost some dear friends and relatives in the last year and had a pretty shitty childhood. I hate pity and I’m intelligent, strong and I can usually pick myself up after my setbacks.

However right now I just hate myself. I feel like a complete failure and my little boy deserves a Mum so much better than me.

You have had a real run of bad luck! I think it is very understandable that you are feeling down about it all. But turn it around - you got rid of the horrible ex and he is well on his way to be out of your life, you are studying as well as working and bringing up your son which is a huge achievement, you found out this new guy was a jerk before it got any further. Losing your job is a blow and it will be hard at the moment to find anything, but this time will pass and hopefully you will find something better with a nicer boss. I think you sound like you have made a lot of good decisions when faced with the shit life has thrown at you. Not a failure at all.

Are you in Northern Ireland or Eire OP? asking as i'm not sure what the Eire HR rules are over this.

If NI - Can you ask your boss to reconsider furloughing you? Do this via email so you have a paper trail.
Even he does do this - write everything down re how the "let go" happened and contact ACAS to see what they can suggest.

Then have a re read of your OP:

• You have split from your lazy ex - the divorce is delayed but it will come

• You have been out there and there are other men, you picked a dodgy one, but you'll know better next time.

Everything is super shit at the moment and anxiety is flooding round all of us making everything seem shit.
You are a fantastic mum - you are doing your best in a scary time.

Get on the sofa with DS, have a cuddle and talk through what you want to do over the next few days together. This is what he'll remember about this time - all the things he got to do with you. Be that den making, rearranging his room (or the lounge) making interesting concoctions/recipes, reading together or chilling out watching tv together

Thank you *sonjadog your post made me cry. I just don’t know what to do any more... this lockdown and being worried all the time, I can’t sleep, I am the only one trying to keep it all together... how do people do it? I just want to go to sleep and not wake up

Wishing you well op and I lack time to write a better reply but (without taking away from your feelings/situation) just wanted to say you are definitely not alone with struggling to cope right now. Me too, for various reasons, although you'd have no idea if you walked past me. Just trying to say you're not managing worse then others, sounds like you're doing a cracking job caring about your son and trying to keep everything together. Best of luck x

Thank u chocolate. My little man’s just been dropped off after being with his dad.

I have worked all of my life, and quit school at 16. I studied accountancy at night school (part qualified) and I have never not had a job and I had to pack my things up today like a bloody criminal and leave. He has never liked me as I’m one of the few in the office not afraid of him and he was just waiting for his chance to let me go. I was supposed to be furloughed from 2 weeks time but no official letter had been issued.

Does your boss own the business, OP? I'm really sorry you're having such a bad time.

We have had years when it’s felt like all we did was lurch from crisis to crisis (redundancy, MH issues, parenting, etc.) and then it eased off. Other times it’s been the bad things in 3s.

Nothing you wrote came across as being your ‘fault’ but just the shittiness that life deals sometimes.

Contact Acas for advice.

Just remember, when you hit rick bottom, the only way is up!

Take it one day at a time, just look at this as an opportunity to stay safe with your little boy for now.

rock

I will contact acas... I think its just a shock. I am in NI and he does own the business. He pisses the money his wife earns (medical professional) on his hobby and they’re heavily in debt and I’d be the only staff member that deals with balancing that. He’s an arrogant wanker but a job was a job, amd handy around my sons school hours

OP
Maybe this is an opportunity to take a breath and take stock.
I am very driven, always working, studying, bouncing back and getting on with stuff.
Sometimes life has forced me to stop and reevaluate what I want and what really matters to me. What sort of life do you really want for you and your DS? What makes you happy?
Standing still is hard if you are a natural fixer and doer but it really can help you find your direction.

Great point Chazs. I have always been a fixer and found it better to focus on the next thing. I got rid of the ex husband; a guy whom I always considered my first love and the one that got away re enters the picture a year later and it left me devastated as he’s clearly a sociopath now that I can see it thru adult eyes. So I enter 2020 full of resolve and try to get a new job but just couldn’t win at 2 recent interviews; I think dickhead number 2 knackered my confidence way more than I thought.

However... the only common denominator in all this is me. It MUST be something to do with my shitty choices. So I’m trying my best to make changes and this happens. The recent guy I met was honestly such a great guy. He didnt lie but omission is just as bad. In fairness, he left his wife a week after and has since moved out, given me space, says all the right things and says he’ll wait as long as it takes until I may be ok to forgive him and move on. But - quite frankly - FUCK THAT DRAMA. Bloody men! I wouldnt mind but I’m the one that ends up sorting every family crisis, gives the advice, lends the money... but I’m a mess really. God I just thought I’d have so much more shit figured out by now. Anyone else ever feel like that? I do realise there are awful things happening right now but today, more than ever, I feel so sorry for any single parents in my position with zero help. Its terrifying.

Thank god for Mumsnet and thanks for all the nice comments. Just taken DS out for a bike ride, after checking my bank balance and seeing I’ve had no child maintenance paid again this week. I am in NI so will get in to ACAS website now, and Stepchange while I’m at it. I hope everyone’s doing ok xx

Forget men for now. Focus on yourself and your DS.
That bike ride was worth more than any shitty boss or lousy partner.
You are right to get some proper advice and make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to.

You have got shit figured out - you've educated yourself, you're strong enough to fuck off useless shit men, you're honest and unwilling to be bullied by an arsehole boss in to being anything less than the incredible woman you are.

And, do you know what, you're going to get through this shit storm too. Because you're a survivor, you're a fixer, you're better than all the shit that's happened to you, you're your child's role model and you won't let your child look up to a quitter.

Life is hard but you're harder, it's your life that has made you the person you are and you're awesome so you can't be sad about the life you've had.

What an awesome friggin bunch you lot are. I’ve had a quick cry and a hot sweet coffee with some painkillers. @Gatehouse77 thats how this last 3 years has seemed, fucking disaster after disaster - even small things my 11 year old car not passing MOTs to by entire central heating needing renewed last year. Sometimes it feels like it never ends. @walkwalk I’m so sorry you’re having a shite time of it and you made a great point. To the outside world all seems perfectly and people envy me my independence.

Men can totally do one for a while which has been my ethos in general for most of my life and thankfully my house was always in my name as I bought it at 23. I’m going to really struggle to clear the mortgage in the remaining 10 years as it was interest only for the first while but I’ll get there. For now me and DS will just enjoy a cuddle up tonight and everyone, including my 85 yr old dad are well.

I have two video job interviews that were already planned for tomorrow (Part time jobs) so I’ll have to do a bit more prep tonight even though I’m wrecked - fingers crossed

🤞 for you too!

Good luck for tomorrow

Just wanted to say @Cannotcope4223 that it seems to me you are doing a great job, raising a child on your own, despite all of the challenges life has thrown at you, very unfairly.

I wish you well for tomorrow x

I admire you. You aren't a failure at all. It will be tough at the moment, but you'll get there and I bet that DS of yours is super proud. X