To keep DS here with me

[user47000000000]

I live with DH, DS (11) from a previous relationship and “our” 2 DC.

My elderly parents moved in with us last October while they were relocating to our area so they could look for a house.

DS sees his Dad often and we get on ok. Ex lives with his DP and usually things go smoothly.

Along comes corona with my high risk parents (both over 70 & have underlying although not had a shield letter.)

Because of this I feel very concerned about DS moving between houses. Ex feels that my parents shouldn’t be dictating contact (I’ve explained they’re doing anything but and it’s my anxiety about them picking it up.) Ex thinks I should tell my parents to stay in their bedroom here if I’m worried and why should he miss out on time with his son.

I really understand the pain of him not seeing DS but I feel so torn as I want to protect my parents, and kids grandparents as much as possible. Their house purchase has slowed up so there’s not exact end in sight.

I’ve given DS a phone and he can make / receive calls whenever he likes. DS also says he is absolutely fine being here. I said if he wanted he could go to his dads but it might be for an extended period and he didn’t want to do that. Also we have a large garden and Ex lives in an appartment with shared grounds so DS could run out there but not as easily as he does here.

Ex is sending messages saying I’m only thinking of me and not of DS’ family life at his dads but I’m really not! I like that he has a happy time at his dads. In any case I haven’t seen any of my family as been self isolating in my own room with symptoms.

So, AIBU to say DS needs to stay here for the next few weeks? I don’t want to do that but feel it is safer for all and importantly DS says he’s absolutely fine with that.

I should also add that me, DH, Ex H and his DP all wfh so I have thought that DS moving between houses is low risk in that sense

Secondly (sorry)
Ex H has said he wants a week on week off pattern with DS. Usually we do eowkend and a night in the week with his Dad. My thinking was that we could keep eowkend and as DS not at school he could be with dad 2 week days and me 3. Apparently this is not ok as Ex says he needs to have time to settle in both homes. He’s never said this before and the cynic in me thinks it’s only cause he’s bored and can’t go to all his normal socials/clubs etc.

Plus I work part time so I think it would make sense for DS to be with me on my non working days so I can help him etc.

The gov says ok for child to continue seeing parents. ExH dp are his issue not yours. A wk on wk off pattern would mean less travelling so makes sence.

At 11 I think your son is old enough to be consulted (which you have done). It seems clear he doesn't want to go to his dad's at the moment which is fair enough and you have ensured that he can have unrestricted contact via phone. YANBU

It's not fair to forbid one parent from seeing their child for an unknown amount of time however practical the reasons or good the intentions. If you feel very strongly about no movement between houses, suggest your son lives with his dad full time until this is over.

-june- it’s my parents. Not Ex’s

I should add that they are very much a part of our immediate family, very close to the kids, very hands on, have had our DS on Ex’s time if he’s wanted to go away and I haven’t been able to get time off work. We do usually all function pretty well together.

-the useless one- I asked DS if he wanted to and he said no

If it was likely to just be for the 3 weeks then this might be sensible and reasonable but the reality is we have no idea how long this situation will last and so you could potentially be looking at months of him not seeing his dad which doesn't seem fair on either of them

Although the government has advised contact can still continue I think you should judge the situation yourself based on your own concern for your parents.

Must be hard not seeing your kids and I can totally sympathise wholeheartedly but it’s not going to be forever and there are other forms of contact. Imagine how upset your ds or exp would be if he unknowingly passed anything into the household and there was a serious outcome.

I personally wouldn’t send him but others may think it’s okay but that’s my opinion.

If ExH is working from home and following guidelines then there isnt much additional risk to your parents.

I wouldn't agree to more time unless son wants that, 4 nights in a 14day period and ideally altogether but split if that is ex or ds preference.

Although I understand your concerns, I do think contact should continue as from a legal standpoint you would be wrong not to and it isn't fair on your ex either. You have to emphasise to your ex the importance of keeping himself virus free for the sake of DS's family if contact is to go ahead.

I don't think there is any need to change the normal schedule to the one your ex suggested. There aren't reasonable grounds for it. Your suggestion sounds better for your DS.

Appreciate it's hard on your ex, but ultimately the health of DS and all of you should be the top priority here. Rules are kids can go between parents but if you think about it, that's not necessarily the best move.

I would keep him with you. As a parent you have to make sacrifices to ensure the safety of your child. It's really a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned.

I think it depends on how much contact your ex has with other people.
Is he out working with lots of people every day or does he stay in with just his parents? If him and his parents WFH then I wouldn't have an issue.
Would your son be comfortable doing the one week at his and one week at yours? I think this is a good idea as it reduces the risk of spreading - if someone gets a cough your son will have to remain wherever he is for the 14 days. Maybe try it and see how it goes.