Newborn relationship woes

[cupofteaaa]

Anyone else felt as though the relationship with partner has hit rock bottom after new born?

All we do is bicker about the smallest stuff, don't kiss, cuddle on the couch, laugh, have sex etc. Feel as though we're just co existing as parents and there is no real feelings there atm. It's not just him, I'm just as bad and only have attention for DS.

I don't want to break up or anything as I still love him and our little family dearly.

Anyone felt like this and made it through and had a great relationship? AIBU to not tell partner how I feel in hopes it will get better? Is this normal due to sleep deprivation and having a baby attached to me 24/7?? Any advice?

Yup. This is totally normal. It peeked for us a year in. Then slowly got better. Bub is 2 in 3 months and we are back to normal...ish

When my daughter was born I felt this huge surge of love of my partner, he never wanted children so to watch him just take to fatherhood and see how much he doted on her made me love him even more. I would sit and watch him with her and just want to cry.
However, we had no time for each other, it was all about the baby. We slept in shifts so usually in the early days if one was awake the other was sleeping.

Our daughter is 1 now, she goes to bed at 7pm and sleeps through most nights so the sleep deprivation is less, we have our evenings together now. Before lockdown we’d try and go to the cinema once a week when she was in bed, one of the grandparents would sit with her while we went. We still bicker but I think that’s just life when you live with someone.
Parenting is hard, it’s hard in ways you never even realised. Be kind to yourselves, right now you’ve got a little one that needs your undivided attention and a good sort we will realise that and understand x

I really didn’t like dp when our son was a small baby. It turns out he isn’t good with babies and wasn’t very supportive. This caused a lot of resentment. Now my son is 15 months things are a lot better and dp is more involved now.

The sex and affection isn’t at the same level as before though. I don’t mind though. I’ve accepted it and I get plenty of affection from ds anyway so I don’t really miss it. We have a short cuddle at the end of the day. Relationship dynamics sometimes chan he and that’s not always an indicator of problems.

*change

It's normal. We were in quite a bad way for at least a year both times.
Sleep deprivation makes people crazy and post baby hormones and change in circumstances dont help.
If you had an otherwise good relationship before I'd ride it out.
Obviously pandemics don't help either!
Try and be kind to each other.

Thanks for replying everyone! Glad to know I'm not alone and it's normal

Perfectly normal under normal circumstances. I can’t even imagine going through the newborn stage whilst the pandemic is happening. It would just add an extra layer of stress to an already stressful situation. All I can say is try to be kind to each other, and seek out the positives whenever you can. My DH wasn’t great when DC was a baby, but completely transformed into an amazing dad around the 18 month mark. It would’ve been easy to give up during the first year, but I’m glad I didn’t. Just help each other whenever you can and you’ll get through it. Life will return to normal, I promise!

Pretty normal for this to happen. DS is two months old and DP & I are both learning how to be parents, sometimes we are good at supporting each other and sometimes we bicker and argue about petty things. It has highlighted our different approach to things - he thinks I am too regimented and spend too much time reading MN and other websites to find out what DS ‘should’ be doing. I think knowledge is power and as both of us are new to parenting, looking for basic tips about (eg) a bedtime routine is a good idea. We clash on stuff like this, and sleep deprivation is tough too.

I do miss him. Even though lockdown means he is at home more, all we do is watch TV together! I miss talking, doing things together other than walking with the pram, sex, meals out. Currently whoever isn’t holding the baby is asleep or doing housework I hope things do get easier and back to normal as time goes on!

It's as though parenthood is such a massive shock both parties have to retreat in order to cope. You look after yourself OP....cuddle the baby....try to find half an hour to bond with your DH now and then but don't sweat it.

I didn't like DH with our newborn as I saw a really nasty side to him (used to scream at me when baby was crying and said it was my fault the baby wouldn't stop crying). He's gotten better since the baby is older and I think it is normal for your relationship to be strained when you have a new baby.

For those of you whose DH weren't great with babies but got better when they got older, did you ever have another one?? I've always wanted two but after seeing DH's bullying side I don't think I want another one now.

The first year is really hard. Your focus has to be on this child who demands all of your attention. The division of labor never seems fair. Even when you find time for one another, if you have had a baby touching you for days on end, the last thing you crave is more contact. It’s all a normal part of the life cycle. Carve out the connections that you can and remember that as your child grows, you relationship will too.

When I was pregnant with DS a friend of ours said "you're going to hate each other for the first two years". We didn't hate each other but we bickered daily and had some huge arguments in the first 18 months or so. Around DS's 2nd birthday I realised that we had come out the other side and the relationship was better than ever. We currently have a 9 month old DD. Just waiting for DH to stop being so annoying again...

Yes definitely sounds normal to me. I also had PND. My son is now 19mths and things are so much better.

How old is the child?

And you both yet getting a decent nights sleep?

Sleep deprivation = bickering

Totally normal! We have a really strong marriage, but we had some vicious rows when our son was born!
He's 15 months now and it is fine again. I am having number two in July though, and we are both prepared for another rocky patch. It's just a blip!

Yep, I think this is completely normal. I literally wanted to murder my DH when DS was around 3-4 weeks old. He was back at work and was mostly sleeping right through the night whereas I was sometimes up breastfeeding all night. I was exhausted and resented him so much, we bickered none stop. Got better when DS started sleeping for longer stretches. We don’t usually bicker at all really.

What PP posters said - normal

But re AIBU to not tell partner how I feel in hopes it will get better?

I think you can gently broach what's happening in your relationship at a suitable moment - eg it's hard when we're tired, I'm looking forward to when we can snuggle again etc

Basically continue expressing that you value your partner, find him attractive, want to spend time together EVEN IF right now you're too tired and cranky to do any of it.

I think it can also help to say things like 'this is really hard, sometimes we snipe at each other because we're exhausted but it doesn't mean I don't love you'

I think talking about it helps, if you can avoid it becoming another argument! It won't last forever but things will never be exactly how they were before, so you're going to have to adapt and work at it.

I had the opposite, my husband did night feeds and let me rest, really looked after me and reassured me every single day. I think the newborn stage made our relationship stronger

@ChokkaBlock that isn’t normal at all that sounds abusive!

Yes, normal normal normal - although awful when you're right in the middle of it. Don't worry, things do get better.
See if you can think of a few things he could do each day that would really help you out and write them down as his tasks.

@ChokkaBlock Your husband sounds awful, I wouldn't have any more kids with him