Please talk some sense to me

[simononsolway]

So this is the situation. I am divorced and my ex wife is a nurse. We normally share the custody of our children 50:50 without any problems. She has been working on the front line for the past three weeks, coming into daily contact with patients who are Covid positive. During this time I have been looking after our three kids (7,10,11) on Lockdown. I have encouraged her to have regular contact with the kids via video call and they have been in touch with her on a daily basis.

I realise that she must be missing them and they are also naturally missing her.

HOWEVER: As of tomorrow she has a week's leave from work and has decided that she wants to collect the children and take them to the house which she shares with her boyfriend in a village 15 miles away. Having stayed in touch with the Government's advice I cannot see any justification for this and I feel that it just puts the kids (and potentially other people) at an unnecessary level of risk. I have tried to include all the facts, am I being completely paranoid/unreasonable? I am worried that I might be. I just don't know what to do.

Unfortunately you can't stop her from collecting and keeping the DC. I agree that it would not be wise for her to do this especially if she is frontline nhs .
Could you talk to her about this and try and talk her out of it

My ex and his wife both work in A&E and I’m strongly suggesting our kids stay with me at the moment. So far he’s agreed but if he changes his mind I guess I can’t stop them going.

I agree from a logic point of view OP

Does she know about the risks of the virus and that it could put your children, her and many others in danger?

She's a front line nurse.. I'm sure she knows the risks [hmmm] given that it is for a, whole week, I would say yes they should go to her. For young children to be separated from a primary carer at this time is not a minor issue.

So if this goes on for another six months so you expect her not to see her children? It's not enough that she's working long grueling shifts in awful circumstances, for pay that in know way remunerates her appropriately, she can't even take a break and see her children? She will be well aware of the risks and how best to mitigate them, the vast majority of children who even get it show minor symptoms. YABU

I don't think YABU but I don't think she is either. It's a very hard situation and I can see it from both sides. She misses her children but symptoms can take 2 weeks to show. Hard one. She obviously knows the risks if she's dealing with it every day.

Not a chance would I be letting my children go. And if I was a frontline worker I’d be staying well away from my children!

I can see both sides. We don’t have an exit stately unless you count a vaccine in a years time so what is your plan? When does she get time with the kids ?- covid19 is not going away.

If your argument is that we haven’t flattened the curve yet and the hospitals might not cope then I see your point particularly if you live in London.

I'd separate it into these component parts:

1. Is it legal?

Yes, there is an express exception in the Coronavirus Regulations for children to move between households.

1. Is there a risk?

Yes, the risk is that she will infect the children (presumably there is far less risk that they could infect her if you have been locked down)

1. Is that risk able to be mitigated?

Yes, when they return to yours they will return to lockdown anyway so they will not be out and infecting anyone else.

1. Is the risk / mitigation proportionate?

Only you can answer that but if I were you I would answer yes, for children to have a week with their mother, in these extraordinary circumstances, it is proportionate. It's not a ten minute quick visit which wouldn't be worth the risk, it's a week, when they must be worried sick about her and she about them, and the law permits it. I'd say yes.

suggest she waits a few days then has them, to see if she has symptoms. average time for symptoms ot appear is five days. not completely reducing the risk of her having it.

it is really hard as she must miss them terribly.