Completely Dysfunctional Family.

[DoNotGoSoftly]

I have Complex PTSD from concerted emotional, psychological and physical abuse over a period of three decades.

Now, the main perpetrator is dying of cancer at home, 200 miles away from me and my young family. He has had virtually nothing to do with me apart from preaching.

I had a severe mental breakdown, lost my career, was hospitalised voluntarily at one point and my siblings have never supported me or asked about my well-being apart from last year he did once or twice.

He had a breakdown after lots of trouble in his marriage and I was immediately available to him. I could relate to him, drove to be with him and stayed in the area to support him. He would never dream of doing this for me and indeed never did.

He kind of divorced us all when he joined his cult of a church and realised he could not convert family members. During this time he continued all the abuse, lying about it and manipulating my mother to hide it. She never, not once, stepped in to stop him.

Now he is dying I have been in-touch with him by msg, phone and letter. Due to the Corona Virus it would not be safe to travel, see him and go see my mum. He is immune compromised.

My wife and one of my kids are in the underlying conditions category, leaving them at this stage would be unthinkable anyway.

My sister from China has travelled to the UK to see him. She asked if I was going to go there. I made it clear that I would not my family is my priority. She had made it clear that she had a very low opinion of me.

So what ensued from her was a series of very long chat messages accusing me of all kinds. She called me many things too. I did not respond with insults or barbed comments but her tirade continued.
My mother doesn't care about that, not at all.

I told my brother not contact me again after he was preaching to me by msg and on the phone. I asked him to stop he said he woud then he didn't he is telling people he 'was looking forward to be with Jesus'.

He has been ignoring msgs from me anyway, and phoncealls too. I appreciate that he will not always be able to answer etc. But he continued to ignore me and my mother.

So I wrote to him, a heartfelt letter (by hand - more personal). I wrote him a poem. I made it clear that we have our different opinions but that I loved him, which I do. He did not even acknowledge it. I asked him did he get it all I got was 'Yes' on a message and he sent me what he had sent to his workplace on an email. This email told people how good they were - then in long form went on to preach to staff. He wanted it read out to everyone at a meeting . They refused to do that. I was really hurt by him. I had reached out to him and he did that.

I questioned what he had written. He said I was unfair. I said not to preach to me. He said he wouldn't, then sent the family and others a link to an interview for his church professing his faith in his glassy eyed way of the brainwashed. I pity his poor children I really do.

I had had enough of his duplicity, his hurtful actions and him thinking he can just preach and preach as he dies. I blocked him. My sister rages at me.

My mental health has been really quite bad lately. For the first time in years I started thinking that I need punishing through self harm because of what my sister wrote. I relive things a lot and cannot deal with stress as I have Complex PTSD. I am tired of being manipulated and I am 99% sure that I am right to protect myself from this situation.

I tried to work some of this out with my mum. But even now she sees only him as does my sister. I am always wrong. The 1% missing is because she has made me feel that maybe I am inventing all this (I am not). But in my distress I wonder because they are so against me.

Am I being unreasonable to protect myself in this way?

Has anyone had similar experiences? I write on here because I am looking for outside opinions that are relevant and helpful. This is killing me and my family have never cared about me enough to show it. I just end up hurt all the time. My wife and kids are suffering the backlash too and that is the worst thing. I am so sick of being hurt and of causing hurt to the wife and kids.

Please help. Please be kind.

OP

You are a far kinder person than I.

I would have been NC with him as soon as I escaped
and I recommend you go NC with him and any other destructive people in your life who drag you down

Look after yourself, especially now 💐

I really have to ask, why are you working so hard to stay in contact with these people?
I am the mother of a child who was abused by a member of my family. Luckily, she had the courage and sense to tell someone quite soon and I stood by her and we made a new life for ourselves elsewhere.
We never, ever spoke to the perpetrator and anyone who supported him ever again.
I now only consider my family to be myself, my children and other family members who supported me and my daughter.
I can only advice you to completely stop contact with anyone who has not supported you or doesn't believe what happened to you and live your life with people who matter and appreciate them too instead of letting them bear the brunt of your frustrations with horrible people who need to be cut out of your life.

Walk away, don't look back.

Oh OP, I know what this is like. I'm sorry. You keep hoping for some sign of change in their behaviour so you keep going back for more. They won't change, they're stuck in behavioural patterns that were set as their default in their own probably very dysfunctional childhoods. It's not you, it's them. For your own mental health you need to walk away & go no contact. I promise you, its actually a relief after a while . You mourn for the fantasy of the relationship you wish you'd had, then you move on. Counselling really helped me. I realised that calling them out wouldn't work either, you just get tantrums, gaslighting & minimising. I actually pity my DM now, she was so full of rage she couldn't express about her own life, that it left her puce, shrieking & nearly frothing at the mouth the last time we ever saw each other because I'd finally dared to challenge her. Her rage coloured our whole relationship. Put yourself first.

CSIblonde. Thanks so much, and thank you to all who have posted.

Your words are really good, helpful and wise. The relationships are toxic and harmful. I think that is the best reply to a post of this type I have ever read. Thank you!

I am going to cease contact for my family and myself.

Put yourself and your little family first OP x

OP, put your mental health and your family first. It is far easier said than done, I know. I think you should also look into therapy to help you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry they’ve made you feel this way x

When the mad virus is over, go to this org. You will meet your people there. It isn't just for adult children of alcoholics but insane families like yours (and mine).

The stuff they get up to will go on and on and on. Nothing changes, it drones on for ever. I'm so glad to hear you've decided to get out.

Take care

Walk away, go No Contact and protect your MH.
They maybe family, but they are toxic and you have tried your best with them, they are never goung to be the loving supportive family that you want.

You must look after your self , your health and your sanity, without them you have nothing in this world.

Get some counselling.

Buy the book by John Bradshaw called 'Homecoming '.

And the book by Pete Walker called From Surviving to Thriving Complex PTSD .

Richard Grannon on YouTube talks about CPTSD.

Stay strong😊

Definitely walk away and don't look back. I have a very manipulative family (mostly mother, father and one of my siblings) and the best thing I have ever done has been walking away, it isn't easy, and sometimes I have the same feeling you have to try and fix/mend/stay in touch but when family makes you want to harm/kill yourself, it is time to walk away.

I also feel pressure from other family members to stay in touch with one or the other, but I refuse, I am putting myself first because they never have and never will.

It also came up, last time I went to visit that my mother had only given partial accounts to the extended family as to what was happening behind close door (enough to portray her as a victim/survivor while totally and conveniently omitting the abuse caused to her children, she just never tried to protect and also inflicted as a result.) meaning that anyone who would have heard her story would think she is some sort of mother earth who's been dealt a bad hand in life and making sure that everyone who would decide to cut contact with her would be portrayed in a bad light.

I am glad some things she had purposefully hidden came out, meaning that people are starting to see she only shares what benefits her and lie about everything else, maybe in time, they will see what I see (they are all already no-contact with my brother and my father, so I can't be that crazy!) but even if they don't, I don't care.

I know what I know, and that's enough to know I have made the right choice by stepping away. When the only thing in life that makes you want to die is your own family, it becomes paramount to step away.

Family is the one you chose for yourself, not the one you were forced into and doesn't value you.

Sorry you are being painted as someone horrible for not putting up with abuse, just because the person is dying. It's manipulative and one more reason why you should stay well away.

i come from a dysfunctional family and going no contact has been the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s difficult because you have spent years trying to make that family work, but you have to walk away. You’ve done all you can. You have to protect yourself, wife and children from that toxicity.

My DF was not nearly as bad as yours but when he died I felt, literally, like a huge shadow lifted from my shoulders - I didn't expect this as his behaviour hadn't directly affected me for decades. Just saying.

I finally went NC with my F. When I was told he was very ill everyone said I should see him or I would regret it, I didn't and I don't, I regret inviting him to my 1st wedding, I disinvites him to my 2nd ( 25 yrs later). One of my stepsisters told my brother he would like to see me, I said it's a shame he didn't bother and see me all the years he was fit and well.

If you could look at Stately homes threads, you will probably find a lot of help and support from them.

@Linning - You wrote:

'Definitely walk away and don't look back. I have a very manipulative family (mostly mother, father and one of my siblings) and the best thing I have ever done has been walking away, it isn't easy, and sometimes I have the same feeling you have to try and fix/mend/stay in touch but when family makes you want to harm/kill yourself, it is time to walk away.

I also feel pressure from other family members to stay in touch with one or the other, but I refuse, I am putting myself first because they never have and never will.'

Thank you and for taking the time and energy for all of your post. I know it can be hard to write abut these things, sometimes it feels like re-living some of those times.

All of your post helped me and moves me a little further forward in my head. A lot of what you wrote my wife has said but knowing you have the experience of these things helps me gain some clarity to my thoughts.

There is no magic wand, but you guys on here of helped me to realise that it is now time to stay strong, because the pressure will continue (external and internal) to give in and give them what they want, rather than what is good for me.

So thanks for your post, thanks for helping. In a shortage of Primary Mental Health Services, coming on here is helping.

DNGSoftly

You are absolutely not at fault for the way you have chosen to protect yourself from abusers and from their enablers.

You have done nothing wrong, you are a good person, and you deserve to be safe and happy.

I hope your mother and sister realise the error of your ways, but it is not your job to be their punching bag until they do.

Error of their ways, not yours!

Sorry!

@mintyt You wrote:

'One of my stepsisters told my brother he would like to see me, I said it's a shame he didn't bother and see me all the years he was fit and well.'

Now that is exactly how I feel. My brother joined that cult in 1989 and since then has never wanted to be a part of my life at all. At least not in a positive way.

I don't understand the 'this person is dying' (he has up-to 6 months) 'you should go see him or phone him or whatever.' He abused me and I was trying to leave all my feelings aside by keeping contact with him at this time. But when he just kept on being the same as usual, and hurting me I had just had enough.

My sister was part of all abuse and has reverted to type. My wife said again yesterday that they are never going to be the family I want them to be. I cut them out years ago but suffered all the pain, she persuaded me to keep in-touch with them. She did this because of her own great family background. She didn't understand and it has taken her years to realise that the harm they do is massive.

@Clutterbugsmum

Thanks for page recommendation. I have been there earlier and read the landing page. I will be going back.

@BurgerQuean

You wrote that: 'I hope your mother and sister realise the error of their ways, but it is not your job to be their punching bag until they do.'

That really resonates. I don't think they ever will. But you are right I do not need to supply them with a target.

Going NC is the way to go because I feel a weight will shift in time, but right now it makes me feel anxious. I need to get over that by reasoning it out.

Thanks DNGSoftly

@lexiepuppy

Thanks for book recommendations.

I am also going to re-read 'F**ck it Therapy' by John C Parkin.

I think that taking his ideas on board, along with getting into a healthier place in relation to going no contact could really help. The emotional baggage, driving the psychological problems will be a lot slower to pass thru and beyond.

Small steps.
DNGSoftly