To feel left out..... Again

[Ineedwine1]

I've done a post about this women before. General jist was about her behaviour at work. Throwing hissy fits if she was in a bad mood and people running to her. Her doing 1 to 1 lunches all of a sudden with people and setting up group lunches and leaving me out. I was the one who introduced her into the group when she first started as I knew her before and didn't want her feeling left out. Ironic now.
Tonight I've looked on social media and I see a guy I work with post a pic with the caption work pub quiz night and his laptop. Then a girl I work with posts a pic with her laptop and it has the people on her screen, quite a large amount of work people. It also says hosted by boss Susan (not her real name). So it's the girl who seems to be leaving me out hosting the quiz. The same women just now posted a screen shot of 2 of the guys saying looking after these 2 or something.
I just feel she's being a bit mean now. Also get the feeling she's trying to be the queen B and she's in charge which I don't like all of that. I don't like to exclude people because Ive had it done to me in my past.
Just feel shit now. I'm on my own in isolation anyway as my DS is with his dad for the week atm.
What is this women's problem?

It's bullying - low level but bullying nonetheless. It comes from a place of insecurity but that's no excuse. People think of the weaker ones in any situation as being targets of bullies but actually they're easier to manipulate so more likely to be swept up into the group. People who are nice, fair and level headed and represent anything the bully has insecurities about (could be anything, you'll probably never know) are the ones who get targeted. Because the target is, through no fault of their own, a threat. There's no point trying to untangle it, bullies don't change. But you can flag it with your boss or you can try and ignore it, give them nothing to work with, because there's every chance if they can't see they're having an impact they'll get bored and move on to someone else before long at which point it will start to unravel. It's not nice OP and it'll eat you alive if you think about it too much.

She sounds awful but I’m confused!

If everyone is ignoring you and people are leaving your chats, that doesn’t sound like just her!

You say you set up a chat then asked about an email and everyone just left? Was it a work email? The whole thing just sounds weird!

That is hurtful. Has she said something to the others? But agree really mean behaviour. I was so hurt few years back was excluded from a family thing book their flights and left me out of plans. It was just nasty

Well not everyone but the "click" group. So it's the main girl Susan, then she has a new "best friend" and her other best friend who left our work. Then Susan has roped in the guys at work into her circle too. One of which I used to be close to in a friend way. But now she's began going for lunches with him and becoming very close and pushed me away.
Yesterday I messaged the girl who left our work to ask if she's been watching the new season of this show we used to talk about at work. She's ignored me, been online and on social media but just ignored my message. No idea why, it's really mean.

Awful!!

I cannot believe that adults are so involved in this playground crap!

How was work yesterday?

I didn't work yesterday. I've been using holiday and im part time so only usually work some of the week. Today though I just feel very alone. I felt less alone yesterday doing stuff and not working. Working just makes me feel down now. I don't know if I should say anything to the manager because what can he do? If he has words with Susan then she will know it's getting to me which she prob wants and I think it makes me look a bit pathetic.

But if you don’t say anything you’re left feeling like this when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong!

It might help to talk to your manager who seems to already know something is up! If only to have a listening ear.

It’s not fair that you’re being made to feel like this. It’s really not.

I guess so, part of me just feels it will make things worse. I don't want people to speak to me because they're forced to. Just bit rubbish really because I haven't done anything wrong

You say this has happened to you before?

Has it been a single person who’s messed things up or do you just find it difficult to maintain friendships?

I ask because that could be something that you could work on with, for example, counselling.

But if you’ve been the victim of a nasty bully then there’s not a lot you can do except not let them away with it!

I don’t think your manager would go sending memos saying “you must talk to wine” or anything but if there’s a problematic dynamic in the workplace that is something that they can address in a more subtle way!

It's hard to know if the others are excluding you intentionally. I quite often ignore questions put into work groups and leave group chats when I'm busy; it's nothing personal.

@ohcaptain not in a work setting it hasn't but my "friends" in the past have treated me badly, stabbed me in the back. Not been there when I needed them but always been there for them. Yes I was having counselling before this pandemic thing. For various reasons. Relationships romantic and platonic have come up. I just seem to attract certain people in my life. I know the reasons why. Although I was never really close with Susan, she has just taken a dislike to me and excluding me.

I know people say ignore but its hurtful. They sound an awful click. I worked in a tennis it was clicky click the in crowd. Your group seem like that. Feel for u

It is very hurtful. Even though stuff isnt being said to me it's horrible being excluded

OP I feel for you, something similar happened to me a couple of years ago. I knew something wasn't right and that I Was being left out but no one would say anything to my face.

I put my phone on record and went to the bathroom. My phone picked up all sorts of crap they said about me as soon as I left the room. Literally things that are 2+2=6 type based on little to no information. I was livid.

From then on I realised I don't want to be friends with them. I kept it strictly work related and didn't offer anything else in terms of personal life. I hated it because it wasn't me, but I'd be damned if I'm begging for a friendship with these people.

Their close relationships lasted for about 8 long months, then they had a massive fall out over something and decided I was the person they both tried to win over and be the new friend.

I put in my notice and left. Never been happier.

That's awful dontjump it sounds all so childish.
The only thing I can think of is I've been off work now and then because of my DS health issues. They don't have children so I doubt they understand. What they don't see is me not getting paid for this time off and struggling. Yet they may assume oh its OK for her she hasn't been at work.
Really can't think of anything else that might annoy them.

If the office is small or there's not much going on in their own lives, they look for drama in other people's lives. To gossip or bully.

Two suggestions come to mind In your situation OP
Call them out on it, again and again. "hey Where's my invite". Or if someone ignores you, repeat it again and again. Or say "looks like your phone is broken because you didn't read x". If you start being confrontational and borderline rude, they will see you're not someone to push about (that's if you can handle that type of thing).

Or don't act like it bothers you. I'm not saying ignore it, I'm saying act glad that you're not part of the group for whatever reason. They went out for drinks... Where? Uegh that place is so horrible. They met for a virtual quiz, urg how boring! Belittling what they are doing will take Susan down a notch.

Also if you're speaking, speak loudly and try to not be ignored. It will feel awkward if you're assertive and and susan changes the subject without addressing it. Or if she has an opinion "Susan I wasn't talking to you"

I started to become like this when I realised
These are all very hard things to do. It might seem petty to some, but from my experience people like this know what they are doing and enjoy it. No amount of having a conversation or saying sorry will do anything.

Stop letting her enjoy what she is doing, and she won't do it.

Take a look at your social media settings shut it down so she can't see what you are posting. Dont give her anything of you. But yes its shit.