AIBU to stop ex seeing DD? (Not coronavirus related)

[gdrcclmn]

I've had a few different profiles on here over the years about my ex. We were together just under 10 years and had DD together, our relationship turned awful after she was born and involved domestic abuse. I thought he was horrible, controlling and narcissistic but I couldn't ever find the strength to leave (scared to do it all alone) anyway, he left last year and moved in with his new girlfriend pretty much immediately.

Various incidents have happened since then. He was arrested last year for smashing a window at my house, and twice now (once recently) he has refused to let me have my daughter back after she has been staying with him for 1-2 nights. Since the most recent one i have contacted mediators with the intention of trying to get a child arrangement order although it's not the greatest time to do anything like this so I feel like the process is going to be very slow to get any sort of court order in place.

I know if I was reading this id be telling the poster to absolutely keep their child away from him, my family tell me the same. But it's hard. My daughter adores him and whilst he's never been violent or aggressive to her, she still witnesses his outbursts and I'm worried what all of this uncertainty and us arguing is doing to her mentally. She is only young, preschool age, and hasnt taken our break up well. She still cries for him most days. He's also the only person I have to look after her and give myself a bit of a break, although obviously I'm more worried about my DD wellbeing than my own.

If anyone else has been in this position could they please let me know what they did, getting the child arrangement order etc? Thank you.

Face time him and keep child away at homr with you.

Even witnessing the outbursts can have a long term impact on her. The same as parents arguing in front of kids constantly has an impact. You should have kept her home after the first time and filed for an emergency hearing, which is what I did. Any sign of violence around the child and that's game over. There are a multitude of resources to show the emotional and mental impact on children when they are witnessing outbursts from caregivers.

I wouldn't be surprised if she still cries for him because he's telling her shite as that type of person has form for. He told you who he was, listen and safeguard your child. Typically there is only a matter of time between outbursts happening and kids getting hurt either by accident or on purpose - as I'm coming through.

Sorry op, but there’s no way he’d be getting her if she were mine. Witnessing his outbursts will be having a huge emotional impact on her. Let him go to court if he wants to see her.

I empathise. I’m separated and have toddler twins. My ex has significant MH issues that make me believe he isn’t fit to have our DC alone, so he doesn’t. That might change in the future but right now he’s also have to take me to court for more access and he knows it.

Being a single mother is very tough but you have to protect your children.

Ask yourself this: what is best for my child? Because I dont think being in the care of an abusive man who has twice refused to give her back to her primary carer is best.

Why are you pursuing contact? Dd has a right to a relationship but the responsibility is his.

Im reading the gift of fear atm. Its a bit victim blamey but something I read yesterday really struck me. If something happens once your a victim. If the same thing happens again youre a volunteer. You volunteered for not having dd returned.

I know thats because hes done a number on you and you dont know whats normal anymore. Please contact womens aid for help and do the freedom programme. Please get some professionals to help you through this to get the safest outcome for your dd and you.

Thank you everyone. I'm hoping I don't have to go through a mediator, because I need something in place where he would be breaking the law if he didn't return DD again if he was granted access in the future.

And honestly, I've pursued contact with him because I'm terrified of him. He's threatened to kill me, or "promised" rather, for things a lot less than me stopping him seeing his daughter, so I'm currently full of anxiety wondering what his next move will be when he messages to ask when he can next see DD.

I’d contact NSPCC for advice, he’s abusive and you need help to safeguard her. Given his history of violence I’d only be happy to allow supervised contact

His behaviour and the repercussions of that will be having an affect on her already whether it’s an obvious one or not. Keep her away from him completely for now and try and get that child arrangement order set up as soon as you can (pretty difficult right now though I imagine).

He's been refusing to return your child.

So in many ways the coronavirus is a benefit as you can state that it's not in your child's best interests.

You need to be strong.

Personally I would not apply for mediation or court. Let him. So he pays. Do not mediate due to the dv.

Just refuse. Refuse. Refuse.

Omg your update is chilling. Please get professional help.

@gdrcclmn. Hello - I am not clear from your post if you had support from any services when you left? (Women's aid or similar). Also if there is any court order in place now for contact with your DD.

First step either way is to contact a service like women's aid or nspcc as a PP suggested - anyone that can help you work through this.

You will have very a blurred (non-existent?) sense of boundaries coming out of this "relationship". You need to get them in place which and you need to put them in place on behalf of your DD. Children are hard wired to connect to a parent regardless of how awful they are. Her "loving" him and missing him is NOT a reason to keep an unhelathy and dangerous relationship going with her father.

She needs you to do that for her now.

@Griefmonster I haven't. The furthest I got was going to my GP, I was put on setraline and asked for counselling but nothing ever came from it. When he broke my window last year I asked to press charges so id be able to get some sort of restraining order but after months of no progress I was told that CPS said if he pays for the window there's no need to go to court, despite all the death and violence threats made against me, so I guess I've felt like I was making a big deal out of what other people didnt think was an issue.

I will contact some organisations though, thank you.

Don’t go to mediation, mediators shouldn’t take you if you have been a victim of domestic violence if the will they are a crap mediator with no morals,so you should avoid.

Keep your daughter with you. Make him take you to court if he wants to see her. You should be able to get a restraining order without a conviction.
This charity can help you.
www.dvassist.org.uk/

I have been in this position, it is hard but much better to keep your child away from him. She may ask for him but she must be frightened of his behaviour. He will try and abuse you through her which will do her a lot of damage in the long term.

You may be entitled to legal aid depending on your income. Have you heard of the freedom program? That can help you realise the strategies he used to control you. It is hard to say no to someone who has controlled you for so long.

@Elephantgrey thank you for all your advice. I don't have any proof of DV, the police were rang on a few occasions but I never ended up pressing any charges or taking it further when we were together.

I'm self employed but supplemented by UC so fortunately I'm not having to pay for the mediators. They are going to contact him soon, although when I explained the situation and told the ex that he wouldn't be seeing DD he threatened every member of my family and threatened to kill himself, so I don't know how well it will go down.

I'm a great believer in ensuring children still see their fathers when parents are estranged. From what you have said, I can't actually understand why you even sent your DD back after the first time he refused to bring her back. She would never be going back to his if he did this.
You've been given some very poor advice regarding his behaviour, I'm actually surprised the police have not taken things further. You need to see a solicitor, do not let your DD go to him, keep her safe.
You say she still wants to go, but you're the adult, it's up to you, not her. She has been exposed to DV and for this reason alone he is not a good parent. This will have a significant impact in her.
Do not send her, contact your local DV services and ensure you have support from your family. If he does come round, phone the police straight away and get a restraining order out against him.

You should still have a crime number and they will have a record that they came out so that can be enough proof.

Please don’t do mediation as this is not a suitable option for you. He can use it to bully you. The fact the mediator will still take you on is concerning given all the facts.

Get some help from a DV charity. They are over run at the moment but it is worth doing. Block him completely as he is a risk to you and your child.

That's reassuring to know, thank you. He's been messaging today completely fabricating past events, saying that I put him through domestic violence just as much as he did, as well as ringing 47 times so far today.

I'm trying to contact Women's Aid now so they might be able to help me more.