Partner really struggles with emotions

[readyforachangemaybe]

Hi, I am in a long term relationship with partner who I love very much. The difficulty is, I have a few mental health issues and my partner just doesn't know what to do with emotion. He's great at fixing a problem, but hugs, reassurance, a comforting conversation... nope. I find it really makes things more difficult for me to deal with, and by extension puts more strain on the relationship. Does anyone else have this issue and what have you done? I'm wondering if something like an online counselling course would help. Thanks all!

Hi OP. Im sorry you are going through something like this. Its great that you are considering online counselling. It can really help to offload all of your thoughts and feelings onto someone who doesn't know you personally. I am seeing a therapist (now through facetime) and its helping a lot

Have you spoken to your partner about this? Sometimes people dont know how to react, or they dont realise its the little things e.g. a cuddle that can make a huge difference to your mood

Alot of people don't know what 'to do with emotion'. In my experience it's more of a Male trait but obviously namalt!

Hi thanks for your reply. I have spoken to him- he just says that he doesn't have an emotional bone in his body and he doesn't know what to do. Do you think it's unreasonable for me to want him to try and learn?

Mine too but we have realised its because he is most likely on the ASD spectrum. He has many other sure signs of it. I must take him as he is or leave, he cannot change that part of himself.

I am like him. I don't really do hugs etc. If someone is upset I get nervous, do a pat on their back and offer to send jokes on regular basis. I can offer practical solutions. If someone asks me for help I can sort them out, but not emotionally.

I am not on ASD spectrum. Not everyone who doesn't deal with emotions is...

Maybe he just has a different love language to you. He shows he cares by doing other things. Maybe look up love languages - it might help reframe it in your head - he does care, he just shows it differently.

Then talk to him and tell him exactly what you want to have more of. Give him practical examples like "if I'm crying, can you come and hug me before you ask me why I'm crying?" etc. It seems silly to have to spell it out but maybe it will help him.

And don't criticise if he genuinely is trying - it's quite difficult to step out of your box in emotional situations. If all else fails, counselling is a good idea, but I don't think it should be your first strategy, only because if he's genuinely a nice person and trying his best, it might make him feel like you think he's not good enough. Obviously that's not what counselling is about but I've known a few men people feel that way about it.

My husband is like this, he has openly said if he doesn't know how to deal with my emotions he just pretends they aren't there so if I'm having a very bad day and I'm tearful and pulling away from the family - what I really really need is reassurance from him and a cuddle - what I get is him closing the door of the room I'm in and him just leaving me alone. It's hard. He is a lovely man, but shit at this sort of stuff. I have told him what I need previously but he hasn't acted on it and I don't want to constantly repeat myself making me look like a whiny needy child.

To answer your question. I guess if you need emotional support and hugs, but he can't give it, maybe you are just not compatible? Non compatibility can happen for various reasons. It's shame if everything else is ok, but if one partner can't give to the other what they need, then it won't really work.

@Mistymonday how do you deal with it? Any tips?

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow
Fair point about asd. I did wonder if that played a part but beyond an ability to almost hyperfocus (for several hours or me, COMPLETELY uninterrupted) he has no symptoms either. What would you do in my position? I realise I can't rely on him, I need to take responsibility for my own mental health, but it sometimes makes it really, really hard...

In my case I think it's combination of character and how we were brought up. No one in my family is lovey dovey emotional person We are more like "Oh. You are upset. Erm. Uh. Yeah. Will steak make you feel better or smth. I will come back later. Yeah". I myself like to deal with my emotions alone. I rarely cry too. Funerals I do. I did drop a tear or two at one wedding. That is actually still talked about by the couple😂
Some people just don't do emotions. Doesn't mean we don't feel them. Or that we are bad people. We don't like to hug it out. But we can usually help practically with "What's upset you? I will sort it". That's how we show affection. I am very caring. Just not... Huggy caring?

Also, let's not forget the men emotions are basically always wrong 🤷🏻
"I am upset he didn't do something" "Aww well be upset, don't worry. Emotions are fine"
"He is upset I didn't do something" "uh. Manchild sulking. So unattractive"

Men grow up with "boys don't cry" and "don't be such a girl". No wonder men in general have issues with emotions. Same way women have issues with their stereotypes.

Do you think it's unreasonable for me to want him to try and learn?

Yes, YABU, sorry. It is quite reasonable for you to want a partner who has these abiities but he has told you very clearly that he doesn't have them and (implicitly) that he has no interest in trying to learn them. If he did, he would be looking for online counsellors for himself. You cannot make him learn and you cannot make him want to learn. He is who he is and it is unreasonable for you to try to change him.

Ad for what to do - an online counsellor might be useful for you, so that you can get some of the emotional support for yourself that your partner can't give you, and so that you can think through your options.

I don't think you can "learn it" tbh. He could maybe pretend, but that would most likely make you both feel shitter than now.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay is right also a really pretty plant!. Maybe the counseling would help as a support more you rather than him?

Thank you for the comments. @AmaryllisNightAndDay thanks for the perspective. I think you're right, it's not fair to expect him to change.