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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice. Fast.

20 replies

2lovelylittlegirls · 04/04/2020 07:41

Ok so my dp has a ex with a 13 yo dd
Dh and ex text frequently about dd. Fine.
The other day i realised ex had text him memes, pictures off dd and the convo was definitely more close than normal. Ie. Dp saying he was crawling the walls etc and that no one listened to him. Untrue.
I said to dp remember to keep her at arms length.
She is dangerous.
So yesterday he was texting her. Alot.
I am ashamed to admit i snooped his phone.
The convo is deleted.
1.what do i do
2.am i paranoid
3.if i confrount him how do i tell him i snooped his phi e without dying of embarrasment.

OP posts:

Apirateslifeforme · 04/04/2020 08:00

Then have it out with him?
Hes obviously upto something if hes deleting his messages.
You saw enough when you saw he was saying that no one listens to him in my view atleast.

I'd not be impressed myself

LangSpartacusCleg · 04/04/2020 08:03

Dump him.

Not because of the messaging.

Because you do not trust him.

Choice4567 · 04/04/2020 08:03

Is the daughter his as well?

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2020 08:05

Did you mean to write he has a thirteen year old daughter with his ex? It reads like the daughter is not his?

Why is the ex dangerous?

Selfsettling3 · 04/04/2020 08:07

Is DD their shared child?

There is nothing wrong with texting pictures of his child and meme.

Why do you think this lady is ‘dangerous’?

There maybe something more going on or it maybe that he is fed up of having his phone read and been judged. Clearly you don’t trust him so it’s not much of a relationship.

footprintsintheslow · 04/04/2020 08:10

I wouldn't have it out with him. I'd just monitor the situation over the next few weeks. He could have deleted the conversation because it was more memes and chitchat and you've already said that isn't on.

If he's has something to hide, having it out with him will just make him deny everything and you will have no evidence. Monitor over time. Don't mention it at all and let him drop his guard.

You could be paranoid or t could be real.

How is he in general life? Does he have time or opportunity for an affair? Has his behaviour changed?

Noconceptofnormal · 04/04/2020 08:23

I would assume rather than an affair that he has moaned about you and probably said some not nice things about you and/or your relationship.

It's not ideal obviously, and by most would be considered quite disloyal, is she the sort of person to offer constructive advice or to join in bitching about you?

I'd probably monitor the situation, try and look at his phone again a few times, to see if it's a one off lapse of judgement or a regular thing. Take photos of anything as evidence.

PlywoodPlank · 04/04/2020 08:30

Sit down and tell him why you are worried. If he has complaints about your relationship, then he does not take them to his ex or or any other woman, unless she's a qualified therapist. The whole 'she doesn't understand me, not like you do' is not on, and especially not to his ex. If he is not interested in working with you on your relationship and communication, then your relationship won't survive.

PieceOfMaria · 04/04/2020 08:39

Why is she dangerous?

Original poster

2lovelylittlegirls · 04/04/2020 09:46

They share a dd
Shes dangerous because she has used there child as a weapon on numerous occasions.
She has tried her luck with him over and over.
She has threatend suicide in the past if he tried to end the realastionship

OP posts:

SecretsInSpitalfield · 04/04/2020 09:52

Op how did things end with them and we’re you on the scene? Or did you meet him when he was single and she was his ex?

I only ask as it seems you have trust issues and wonder if he has ‘previous’...

OpenWheelRace · 04/04/2020 09:54

Dump him.

Not because of the messaging.

Because you do not trust him.

This

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2020 09:56

You’re not paranoid. You are unhappy and in a bad relationship. You should break up with him.

heartsonacake · 04/04/2020 09:57

YABVU. You had absolutely no right to snoop through his phone; that is a massive violation of privacy and wholly unacceptable.

It is none of your business who he chats to, what he chats about and for how long. Nothing to do with you.

She is the not the problem here. Your relationship is dead in the water because you don’t trust him and have so easily violated his privacy.

AmelieTaylor · 04/04/2020 10:00

This is not ‘Urgent’

The guy is an idiot, but that’s not life threatening.

Kiss his arsey out to lockdown with her & save yourself years of crap.

Wattagoose90 · 04/04/2020 10:04

Sounds like he's finding some sort of excitement in messaging her, otherwise he wouldn't have deleted the messages.

Sit down and have a rational conversation with him. Tell him why the texting her bothers you (you don't have to tell him you've seen his phone). If he listens to your concerns and limits the contact to daughter related content then brilliant. If he doesn't, well...

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 04/04/2020 10:05

Is he a DH or a DP as you refer to him as both.

Original poster

2lovelylittlegirls · 04/04/2020 11:51

OP posts:

SecretsInSpitalfield · 04/04/2020 12:49

Why do you need advice ‘fast’ ?

Have you approached him today? And how did their relationship end? Did he cheat with you?

PieceOfMaria · 04/04/2020 14:00

How long have you been together? Do you live together and have kids together?

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