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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At war with my neighbours AIBU to think it' may not be resolvable?

30 replies

neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:09

So we've all fallen out with one of our neighbours. When I say "we" I mean my family who live one side, the neighbours the other side, the family that back onto his back garden and two other families in our l terrace of 5 house.
I can't say too much because it very outing, and if I put it in writing I doubt you'd believe me but I think its fair to say that amongst other things he is very quick to threaten legal action against all of us for fairly trivial things e.g. feeding the birds and that this upsets people.
Anyway we now largely ignore him. But one of my other neighbour is now deeply embroiled in a war with him. Now the police are involved. It's beginning to make everyone rather tense especially with this lockdown, we iive in village and it's just not possible to not see him.
Has anyone ever managed to successfully resolve a conflict with their neighbour? If so how? I don't want to be his best friend but this is becoming silly.

OP posts:
RonnieBarkingMad · 03/04/2020 23:12

It sounds like your ganging up on him, I wouldn’t like to be forced into a “feud” with a neighbour if I knew their family were also living all around me.

I would suggest ignoring him and leaving him alone, for a start, and tell your family members to do the same.

Imonlydoingwhatican · 03/04/2020 23:14

I moved.

And will hopefully will never see them again.
Shame really as the other neighbours were wonderful and still see them, but miss the community we had.
Sorry not alot of help

Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:16

I do my best to ignore him as do my family members but he doesn't leave us alone its too outing to explain why. I genuinely don't think anyone has ganged up on him, he's fallen out with people over the last few years all totally separate incidents.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/04/2020 23:19

Totally ignore him, blank him, don’t respond at all. If he gets no reaction, then he will eventually become bored and stop-hopefully.

Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:20

He's tried to sell up twice everyone was hoping he'd succeed but sadly not. Everyone else are just normal people going about their daily lives we are a friendly rural community people no one wants this hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:24

Cherrysoup ignoring him has been my policy for a couple of years but he's very persistent, writes to us, rings us, bangs on the door/wall, throws our parcels away or returns them to the sender (I tell everyone not to deliver to him but some still do). Now shouting at my other neighbour.

OP posts:
WotnoPasta · 03/04/2020 23:26

No we haven’t. We fell out with a neighbour. It’s a long story but the fall out was facilitated by her son who didn’t like her having relationships apart from with him.
It’s bad for her now as she is totally alone in the lockdown with no local support (only volunteers). I think she regrets it. However some of her behaviour last year was unforgivable.
If this had happened a few years ago I would have done all her shopping etc. Reap what you sow...
I don’t even acknowledge her now.

Samtsirch · 03/04/2020 23:33

Most disputes between neighbours or indeed between anyone are initially resolved by talking.
Has anyone tried talking to him or tried to strike up a friendship with him ?
Has anyone considered listening to his side of things ?
He may have unresolved issues none of you are aware of ?
It’s always worth a try.

Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:35

It seems so sad that people can't just live side by side amicably. I believe it's quite common but we've never encountered this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:41

We have tried talking to him but he's aggressive he's screams can be physically intimidating my last encounter I thought he was going to hit me and hurls abuse (not at men face to face ) and he's fond of threatening and sending solicitors letters. We were friendly or should I say neighbourly for quite a long time took in parcels smiled said hello when we saw him etc as have all the other neighbours at some stage.

OP posts:
RonnieBarkingMad · 03/04/2020 23:41

Just leave him alone and stop getting involved. You describe your neighbours “deeply embroiled” and in “a war” with him. Highly emotive and OTT language, like you want trouble from him. If he’s leaving you alone then do the same. Whatever involvement he has currently going on with the neighbour is absolutely nothing to do with you so mind your own business, unless you actually do enjoy the drama of it all.

yellowfishes · 03/04/2020 23:44

If all the relevant details are "too outing" I'm not sure how you expect anyone to advise you.

qazxc · 03/04/2020 23:46

Ignore,ignore,ignore. Don't answer the door to him, don't talk to him, ignore banging on walls etc...

Stefoscope · 03/04/2020 23:47

It's a shame when people act this way. I agree with the PP's who are saying ignore. If he changes his behaviour and backs off from the note writing and Police involvement then maybe in a few months time it may be possible to start to make ammends. If it's not just you he's fallen out with then he is the common denomiator and needs to reconsider his behaviour. In the meantime, I would put a note on your door asking for deliveries not to be left with him.

Aloe6 · 03/04/2020 23:48

You could ask the council or police to facilitate mediation.

Samtsirch · 03/04/2020 23:48

Hé perhaps has mental health issues, paranoid schizophrenia or something similar, and the current situation is exacerbating his problems.
Not sure if you would be able to contact the / his mental health support team at the moment ?

GabsAlot · 03/04/2020 23:50

If police are involved let them deal with it

Original poster
neighbourwars · 03/04/2020 23:51

Actually it's not highly emotive OTT language its actually true I just cant go into details. I don't want trouble for him or anyone else for that matter it would suit me if he ignored us. But if you read what Ive written up thread he doesn't leave us alone and its got worse on the last 4-5 months. For the last couple of years Ive totally ignored him and his letters etc and the issues between him and my other neighbour which are becoming very serious but now its becoming increasingly difficult.

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Cherrysoup · 03/04/2020 23:53

Have you spoken to the police about him harassing you? Have you looked into a non mol?

AreYoubeingserious123 · 03/04/2020 23:55

Same as pp we moved. I was renting a 1 bed flat on my own and loved it. The original neighbour below me was a guy who worked and had his kids at the weekend, gf coming and going who was lovely but they got pregnant and had to move I was gutted. Then the neighbour from hell moved in and I started getting all sorts of abuse from my alarm going off in the morning ( I work full time, they didn’t work at all ) to their friends who were off their head on drugs pushing my buzzer at all sorts of times of day and night, my flat constantly stank of weed ( I don’t touch the stuff ) and would bang the door 5 times after I came home from work. My dp moved in with me and it stopped for a while but it ramped back up again for no reason what’s so ever and I was miserable. Called the council as it was a council flat they were in and they said that the neighbour below him had already filed a complaint but this had been the 3 flat they had moved him too because of similar issues, to keep a diary of the things he was doing and send it to them. I couldn’t take it anymore and luckily came into a bit of money and me and dp have now managed to by our first home. I feel for you op I really do Sad

PersonaNonGarter · 04/04/2020 00:02

Don’t ignore him OP. Get legal support.

You cannot live with the aggression and you shouldn’t have to. All the other stuff about the neighbours is irrelevant. What is really serious is his abuse of you. You should ask a lawyer to draft a letter on headed paper (most of which you should write to keep costs down).

Make sure that you keep it to under two pages.

Say ‘following recent incidents, including: [four or five very short examples, dates, bullet pointed] we regret that you are causing nuisance/verbally and physically abusing/causing criminal damage’ Discuss this with solicitor as this will obviously depend on specifics that you aren’t listing here. ‘For these reasons we request that you no longer - [reasonable bullet points - approach any member of the household when they are out and about, accept or involve yourself in post for the household, enter our property’ etc etc. Be concise, reasonable and calm.

Send letter to him, copy to local police, copy to council.

Original poster
neighbourwars · 04/04/2020 00:02

I'm sorry the details are too outing partly because his behaviour is so bizarre.
I have advised all parcels not to be delivered to his house, we now don't take his in however much delivery drivers plead with us neither will any one else. I ignore him when I see him, he points and laughs or shakes his head when he see's all of us I still ignore it. If I see him coming where possible I turn and walk in the opposite direction. I dont answer the door when he calls and now my husband wont speak to him on the phone if he calls him at work he gets someone to say he's meeting. We put his letters/notes in the bin unread.
I guess well have to leave it at that and hope he sells his house.

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Original poster
neighbourwars · 04/04/2020 00:10

@PersonaNonGarter yup your right I legal action will have to be the next step it just seems ridiculous. As I said I don't want him as friend I just want to live and let live.
Sadly no stories of people successfully resolving issues with neighbours.

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Thinkingabout1t · 04/04/2020 00:24

There's a forum called Garden Law,
gardenlaw.co.uk
which I found very helpful when having trouble with an aggressive neighbour who was blocking a right of way.

Another forum I don't know so well but might be more relevant to your case is called Neighbours from Hell
nfh.org.uk

I hope these can help you sort out your problem. I know how horrible it is. Best of luck.

Singinginshower · 04/04/2020 00:28

I don"t think you'll get any positive stories from anyone who has lived with a similar neighbour sadly